::WHEW:: i finally have a minute...

Okay, these are the rules -

Link to the person who tagged you.

• Paste these rules on your blog post.
• Respond to the following prompts (in bold).
• Add a prompt of your own and answer it.
• Tag a few other bloggers at the bottom of the post.
• Leave "Tagged You" notices on their blog/Facebook.
• Let the person who tagged you know when you've written the post.

1) The best investment you ever made:

investment? I'm not sure I'm too familiar with that word.....j/k.

probably my car. although i didn't really invest too much into it. but our car we have now is a great investment. geez. i haven't invested anything....

2) If you could’ve written any book, directed any movie, and composed any song, which three would you pick:

Book: Little House on the Prairie.

Movie: TOUGH. um...You've Got Mail/Pirates of the Caribbean/Signs....three way tie.

Song: UGGGH...even tougher....um. hm. mamama.....bababa.....Happy Birthday. Think if i could copyright that baby.

3) Weirdest quirk:

i'm pretty ditzy. I dropped my phone in my cereal. no really. if you don't think it's possible....let me try. I'm sure i can amaze you with my "graceful stupidity." LOL.

4) One wish immediately granted:

An amazing job where i can stay at home with my son/future children and be perfectly cared for...(mommy brain...can't think of the word i'm looking for. and as always, it is on the tip of my tongue.)

5) Most expensive hobby:

um. shopping? movies? i don't have a particular hobby...hm.

6) An inexhaustible gift-card at which store:

HAHA. just one?? Kohls. no...bed bath and beyond. no....target. ugh. think of all the baby clothes...and mommy clothes (NO...NOT the mommy jeans from SNL).....and christmas presents! OH THE CHOICES!!! .......hm. k..i'm awake now...

7) In another lifetime, you’d be:

um...probably an author. or an actress...cuz its who i want to be but don't have the cajones to do it.

ok....so...now i'm going to tag some of you...

TAG:

Jacob, Leslie, Morgan, Kristin, and Margaret.

This will truly be a test to see WHO reads my blogs in actuality.

:-)

exhausted

it has been the house of sickness here.

i started it off with a cold: runny nose, cough, sore throat...the works.

Matthew started next with the cold, assuming he got it from me, which then turned into an ear infection and pink eye in both eyes.

then i took over on saturday evening/sunday morning with a severe sore throat. Jacob took me to the hospital and they gave me a prescription for strep.

5 days later, my throat is still sore, and i've developed a cough. i'm told to gargle cough syrup and spit it out (the crazy things you do when you're breast feeding), run a humidifier in our bedroom (which would be great, but we only have one, and the baby takes precedence over me), or i can chew half of a mucinex.

i am sooo ready for this to be over!!

Fantasy

This is the second year where i am playing fantasy football. Last year I played with some people from church, and this year, I am tagging along with some co-workers.

I didn't think I would have enough time, but so far so good. I get on when Matty is napping and do what I need to do. So far, I rank in second place, which is pretty amazing! I never do well in this type of thing, so I'm super surprised!

other than working, i am trying to play catch up with some cleaning since coming back from the beach. we spent some time with my family in emerald isle, NC. Beautiful! but to go on vacation with a 5 and a half month old when you're still nursing...SUCKS. But i got out some, which was much needed!

slow day, not much to say!

Beachin'

We just got back from a beautiful trip to the beach. Emerald Isle, North Carolina. It was the most beautiful time to go. It rained a little bit the first day we were there, and got a little cloudy the day we left, but every other day was blue skies, mid 80s to low 90s, NO humidity, and bright sunny skies.

We lathered up with some SPF 50, and braved the sun for a little bit. Anyone who knows me knows if I'm exposed to the sun for longer than 30 seconds, I'm a lobster.

I only got a little sunburned on my legs the day before we left.

Matthew did really good. Well, better than expected. I started to get frustrated by Thursday because I spent more time inside wishing to go outside than I did...doing anything else. It is really hard to enjoy the "great outdoors" when you have a nursing newborn. While he is a FANTASTIC baby, THE LAST THING this momma wants is sand in places sand should not be...and having a child eating and rubbing....ugggggggggggh. PASS. So I would wait til after he ate. Well, then he would get sleepy, so I'd have to rock him to sleep. Then I wasn't about to leave him in the house when me or Jacob weren't in there. And there's no way I was going to enjoy myself in taking the monitor down to the beach; I'd be worried I couldn't hear it and so I would have it up to my ear the whole time.

If I was going to be miserable, I'd rather be miserable inside where the AC rained supreme and the food was plentiful.

The other great thing about vacation:

It COMPLETELY interrupted Matty's sleep patterns. He went from sleeping through the night to...maybe a few hours here and there...and if I was lucky, MAYBE to 4 am? Most of the time, I'd have to nurse him and PRAY he went back to sleep; for the most part, he did.

The CRAZY thing: Jacob slept through him screaming even when Matty was 6 inches from Jacob's head. HOW in the WORLD?!?!

Matthew is such a GREAT kid. We started him on rice cereal. He took to it pretty well, but since we got home, not so much. We will have to try again tomorrow...and by "we," I mean Jacob, because I'm working until 9:30. :o)

Have fun, babe!!

sanctus real

I have been hearing this song and I couldn't hear who the artist was. But the less I heard it the more I had it stuck in my head. Today on the radio, they were talking about the leader of the band and how he came to write this song. i nearly started to cry!

He had just come home from a tour, and his wife, who was feeling lonely, said he needed to be more of a spiritual leader in their household.

they repaired their marriage, and now are expecting a baby. while there's more of a story with the baby, i need to go and check on mine, so maybe the baby story will come later...if i can remember.

anyway, the song is called, "Lead Me."

"I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone"

christians make the worst customers...

I was talking with Jacob on my way home from my short little 3.5 hour shift at work. we chatted about little stuff and then jacob asked me, "How was your day at work?"

my response: "christians are the worst customers."

the worse part about knowing who is a "christian" is seeing what they are buying and then thinking, "wow. you could really use that Bible right about now."

Jacob said with all the stories i have regarding this subject, i could write a book.

but honestly, it'd be short. it really breaks my heart to see people, Bible in hand, ripping into a cashier, or a server at a restaurant. The ONE time i saw a "godly" man speak to a server at Applebees in an ungodly way, i no longer have any sort of interest in seeing this man speak or hear what he has to say.

i understand we are all human, and we are very impatient beings. but if you get impatient with someone who is trying to HELP you, APOLOGIZE. THAT, my friends, is what sets you apart.

PS. 4:3 "Know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself."

Matthew 7:2 "do to others the way you would have them do to you."

I don't really post a whole lot about this because i feel like i'm judging. but, really. when i feel like crap after you walk away, are you really showing Jesus to those who may not see Him? or are you leaving someone with the bad taste about what christianity is really like?

think twice before you start putting someone down. and if you are just tired of being pressured about this membership card or that promotion or this or that...just remember: we are doing our jobs. if i don't ask you a bazillion questions, i could lose my job.

creativity

ok...so, i just want to say thank you to all the people that follow my blog on a semi-regular basis.

and i also want to apologize. i started this blog b/c i really thought i had some creative juices to get flowing and thought, well..if no one sees this, then thats fine. this will be just for me.

but then, people started reading. and commenting. and giving advice. and...other things.

so i started censuring what i wrote. then i stopped writing.

wow. sounds all too familiar. i used to write. a LOT. i have journals from forever ago where i would write stories (short ones...) and where i would just write to write. but time got away from me, and then before i knew it, i was believing the lie that i had nothing worth writing.

even now. i don't have any witty commentary. i'm not a photographer...my camera doesn't even really work, so pics are hard to come by. and time is of the essence. for example. the thought going through my mind right now: laundry. food. food for baby shower. work. when am i going to make food for baby shower between work? baby. baby is sleeping. ::gets up to go check on baby:: he's so cute. can't wait to get his pics back...pics..money...need more money...gotta go to work...work...time with family...work nights...man, i work friday night. how am i going to make this food for the baby shower when i work friday night?!

when do i have time (in my mind) to sit down and write a witty commentary on anything?

[and for my husband who is probably reading this: the above thoughts are only 60 seconds of actual thinking.]

i am who i am. i'm not very creative. if anything, i'm lazy. yep. there it is. i am lazy.

thought i post quick

Work is calling, so this is going to be a quick post.

we are one month away from beach vacation, 3 weeks away from matthew turning 5 months old, and about 18 years away from getting a good nights rest.

one thing i've learned over the last few months:

take EVERYTHING and EVERYONE with a grain of salt. No matter what anyone says to you, you cannot put any weight in it.

for example: the stories i've heard from family members about someone saying horrible things about me behind my back may be completely false. where as, someone who i never would've thought, is saying things equally as bad.

to put any expectations on anyone is bad. for example: my friends who say they will show up at a certain time at a certain place...they will notoriously be late. and that's ok. or they may not show up at all. but...there is grace and understanding.

I plan on living my life with the expectations i would have for everyone else, but just for me. there is grace. people are human. they are imperfect.

although sometimes i just want to scream, "i'm tired of being so forgiving!" but, i remember...if Jesus hadn't been so forgiving...i wouldn't be here.

killing my fleshly desires, to be more like Jesus...

and to leave you with cuteness:

three months...

I can't believe three months have passed by.

watching my little baby...


grow up so fast...



right before my very eyes...

breaking heart

A few years ago, the christmas before Jacob and I got married, my older brother who is bipoloar and an alcoholic, came into my room, grabbed me by the arms and threw me around. I stuck my heel (i was wearing high heeled boots at the time) in his face to prevent him from coming any closer.

I moved out, feeling unsafe in my own home, temporarily.

After we got married and moved into our own apartment, my dad told me they took my brother to the doctor and got him on medication to help with his bipolar.

I'm not one necessarily for medicating, but when it's necessary. and for him, it's necessary.

Things turned around! DRASTICALLY. he not only helped mom and dad around the house, he called and congratulated me on my baby; he played with my niece and nephew; he talked to me and jacob like we were human and not the next one down on the food chain (like he did before- to me).

i knew it was only a matter of time. Bipolar has a way of messing with the victim. just when they think they are doing well, they stop taking the medication. then they spiral downward, fast and hard. i've seen this and heard of this happening so much, there is an actual section in one of my psychology books all about this.

and that's EXACTLY what happened. This time, though, he attacked my little brother. Ran after him, and started choking him.

In talking with my mother, i learned that he felt much the same way i did.

part of me is thankful...my family called me a drama queen. they didn't believe me when i told them what happened. now i know i have a tendency to over-react, but i have never felt so alone as that moment. it's no excuse, but this lead to a down-ward spiral for me. i went into a deep dark place, far away from my Savior.

I feel very broken for my family right now. My older brother is staying in a hotel (which he can't afford, so it's only time until he's thrown out of there). my family is on pins and needles not knowing if he's coming back, and what he will do when he does. my mom is scared not knowing whether or not he's even going to come back.

my heart is breaking for them. it's breaking for that which I feel God designed for it to. my heart is breaking over broken marriages that i've been seeing all over facebook and in the church and in my "sphere of influence". it's breaking for those who are loyal and get taken advantage of. it's breaking for the family members who used to be close friends, and now refuse to even call unless they need money or a ride to work or something else. my heart is breaking over my son, who i sooo desire to grow up to be a man of God, and have a stronger relationship than the one i have. and finally, my heart is breaking over the relationship i have with God right now, knowing i have been soo unfaithful and unresponsive to my Savior. i have done the very thing i said i never would do...abandoned my faith. God is so good, yet i am so evil. and yet, He has already forgiven me. because i ask. i always say, "tomorrow, i'll read my Bible and really start all over." and i fail. i ALWAYS say it and i ALWAYS fail. it's not been a priority. Pray for me. Pray that it becomes my priority. that's been my prayer...pray with me; agree with me. God is good.

catching up

So, to catch up...my last blog portrayed the second most important day of my life.

the first being my wedding day.

now, most people (christians) would say, "what about when you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?? what about that day??"

well...it wasn't a day.

the day i "invited" him to be a part of my life, i wasn't sincere. i went home...and wasn't sure what i was going to do about that experience...

so, i did nothing.

several months later, i decided to be serious about it, and made the changes necessary.

so...it wasn't a day. it was a year. and if anything, it's been my lifetime. and it will probably always be my lifetime. I'm constantly being challenged; transformed; molded; tested; blessed.

and isn't that the way it's supposed to be??

meanwhile...

Matthew is sleeping peacefully in his bassinet, having just eaten his fill.

I decided to attempt to grab a few moments on here, while eating my breakfast, so i can update those that read my scribbles and rantings on what's been going on...

Matthew is doing well...

he isn't sleeping through the night, but he's doing his best. he did really well last night; woke up only for feedings and went back to sleep in a timely manner! made mommy VERY happy!

he's getting big! he's put on over a whole pound since his birth day!

my baby boy is getting big!

Joy unspeakable.

March 28th, we had a baby shower at my wonderful mother in laws. it was so much fun, as exhausted as i was and as "miserable" as i was. I was in a lot of pain. Baby had dropped, and was putting pressure on areas i didn't even know existed. After the baby shower, i took a detour to my sisters house to see my niece's TV debut: America's Funniest Home Videos!

Midnight: Jacob gets home from watching Wrestlemania at his Dad's house.

12:30 AM: We make it to bed. I had tried earlier to sleep, but was unsuccessful. I had Jacob rub my back for a bit before we went to bed, and that seemed to help some.

1:30 AM: my usual trip up to the bathroom. This was followed by some very mild discomfort, which i attributed to my unusual belly size and placement...I go back to bed and attempt to sleep.

2 AM: after experiencing some contractions that were increasing in intensity, i decided to attempt fate and see if they were real. I came out to the living room, where Jacob had brought in all of our things from the shower, and started going through it. I had had Braxton Hicks earlier on Sunday morning, but as soon as i stood up, they stopped. I had just come from my sisters where i told her and my mom: "I'm tired of having these fake ones...i want the real ones!"

2:30 AM: after successfully making a huge mess out of everything in our living room, bending down is no longer an option. i sit at the computer on my exercise ball, hoping to see if that either a) stops the contractions and helps with my back pain; or b) helps the contractions keep going.

2:45 AM: i decide to attempt to time contractions myself. I still had not gone to get Jacob up, b/c in my mind, i didn't want to wake him up for false contractions, only to have him go back to bed to get 2 hours of sleep for work.

3 AM: I tell myself: If i have another contraction in the next 10 minutes, i'll go and get Jacob up.

3:04 AM: i contract.

3:10 AM: I'm pulling myself off the floor and walking awkwardly to the bedroom. i stand at the door debating on what i'm going to say...

3:15 AM: Attempt number one to get Jacob up. His response: "I'll be out there in a minute."

3:30 AM: i'm still at the computer, attempting to time contractions by myself. I see they're roughly 7-9 minutes apart, but i can't tell if that's when the contraction started or when i looked at the watch...

3:45 AM: Attempt number 2 to get jacob up. His response: see above.

4 AM: Steam is coming out of my ears.

4:15 AM: my last attempt to get jacob out of bed was not only successful, but very rewarding.

5 AM: i feel a little silly, but Jacob looks over a list of the previous 45 minutes and concludes that the contractions are about 5-7 minutes apart, although they are not exactly steady. some were 5 minutes, some were 7; a couple were 2 or 3; and one was 10.

5:30 AM: we call my mom to ask for some advice. she says that she's getting ready for work, and to go on in to the hospital. "worst case scenario: they examine you and tell you to go back home."

6 AM: we're walking into the ER. I get put into a wheelchair (one of the funky looking ones, not the real ones), and they wheel me up to Family Birth place.

6:30 AM: after answering questions, the nurses go and ask the OB on call whether i stay or go...

7 AM: I stay. they start administering antibiotics as per my last test.

8 AM: they examine and see i'm dialated 3 cm and 80% effaced. I was surprisingly happy to hear that, since i didn't know if i was dialated AT ALL.

10 AM: another exam finds i'm fully effaced and 5 cm dialated. I call my best friend to wish her a happy birthday and ask if she minds sharing it. she doesn't!

12 Noon: STILL only 5 cm dialated. water still had not broken. Dr. wants to wait to break water but decides to start pitocin to get the contractions to be more regular. up until now: contractions were still very sporadic, and still only 5-7 minutes apart.

2 PM: starting to enter into "Active Labor". They up the anty on pitocin, and contractions go from 5-7 to almost 2-3. they lower the pitocin, and the contractions settle at 3-5.

2:30PM: i receive my only pain relief: an IV of some drug that i can't pronounce much less spell. it is designed to "take the edge off" and it only lasts 30 minutes. My mom and the nurse joke its my "martini".

3 PM: Round two of cocktail hour. I actually get to nap between contractions, which is probably the BEST part about my delivery...

3:50 PM: i feel an immense pressure...almost to start pushing....

4 PM: Dr. comes in: 10 cm dialated! "PRAISE GOD!" i shout. i had been praying for the last hour to get there...inbetween cocktails....lol...

4:05 PM: Dr. breaks my water. i push.

4:39 PM: Matthew Levi Dobscha comes crying into the room: weighing an astonishing 6 pounds and 15 ounces, 19.5 inches long.

I hear Dr. say, "bring me more sutres." at least twice. not a good sign.

i get lots of happy pain relief.

and only the most precious face ever. staring at me. even when he's crying, i'm overwhelmed with love.

Beautiful!

36 weeks

For being (almost) 36 weeks pregnant, I feel really good. I picked up a head cold from my dear mama, but other than that, I'm feeling really good! And if this is the ONLY sickness I've had all pregnancy (aside from morning sickness), I'm doing really well!!

The weather has turned warmer (Thank God!). I never really considered myself to become depressed during different seasons, but I think I was starting to. I hated having to cancel all my fun plans due to snow. I hated having to worry about getting to work because the roads were covered with snow.

But! It's over...for now! YAY!

I'm rejoicing today with the front door open, the heater is off...and I'm considering opening the windows...

On other news...

My grandmother and I went to Target this morning to get my stroller.

They didn't have it in the store. They said they "should" get it in, but are unsure if/when it will come in. They suggested going to Charlottesville......so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to Charlottesville and get the one I really want...from Babies R Us. :o)

What is funny is that this is only the 10th time it has happened...

My crib, maybe twice. My changing table, twice; stroller, twice; carseat, three times; rocking chair, twice!

ish.

The last few months have gone something along those lines.

::sigh::

I can't help BUT laugh every time I hear something I registered for is going to be discontinued or something...

But it's been a good morning despite that! My grandmother and I walked around target while she did her shopping, and she had my niece with her b/c she wasn't feeling well, so I got to see her for a little bit today.

LOVE LOVE LOVE the spring like weather!

Baby Update!

I suppose it's been a while since I posted any updates on baby and our progress....

So:

As of last Friday, I was 34 weeks. The doctor says he's looking a little big and could come early, but at my next appointment we'll do another ultrasound to figure out his size and everything.

The nursery is coming along! My mom and I went to Charlottesville to get a crib from Babies R Us, but they didn't have any in stock that we liked, so we drove to Richmond. On our way to Babies R Us, we stopped at Target thinking they would have more than what we have here. Sure enough, there was a Graco crib that I hadn't seen at the Target in Harrisonburg. We bought it and came home! Later we went to the Target in town to get the mattress, and sure enough, there was the crib!

Jacob and his mom worked hard on cleaning out the nursery and making room for the crib, and it looks amazing! There was so much junk in there that I wasn't sure what it was going to look like, but it looks great!

I'm still working, and will probably work right up until he comes. I'm debating on taking a vacation week the week of my due date, if he hasn't come by then, just to give me some extra time, but I'm not going to be getting paid maternity leave anymore. It's disappointing, because of all the work I did to try to make sure I got it, but it happens, and there's nothing I can do about it now. And I'm not going to wear myself out trying to get my hours up to where they need to be to get maternity pay. I can barely do all the hours I'm doing now, and the housework, so, working 40 hours the next several weeks is out of the question.

At the appointment today, the doctor came in and said everything looks fine!

"by the sweat of your brow"

Jacob and i work hard. we work hard to save up for a house, and, as we were talking last night, our new goal insight is for our 5 year anniversary: going on a cruise to either one of two places: Europe or the Caribbean.

Honestly, if one of us didn't work (as what happened last year at this time), we would very quickly get bored...out of our minds! We enjoy getting out of the house, and seeing people, meeting people and helping people through our jobs.

not only do we get a sense of reward, but satisfaction after a long, hard day, when we know we completed our tasks to the best of our ability. We experience frustration when we know we could have done better, or were prevented from whatever situation from doing our best.

do we always enjoy our job? no. do we always want to go to work? no. there are some days when we go in simply for the paycheck. those days are the hardest.

however, we also gain a lot of satisfaction when we don't have to go to family members every month asking for help for rent, or for groceries, or for gas money. it's also hard to not to gain a little bit of pride when family members come to us for the same thing...

but, i digress....

the last several months, we've had several family members come to us and tell us we need to sign up for government assistance. if it were a year ago, i'd consider it, because especially not knowing when Jacob would find a job again, it probably would've been helpful.

however, i've looked it up. we make too much for WIC. after talking with one of my sisters in law, she was concerned that if her husband got a job, their gov't assistance would decrease. I tried telling her, yes...but with a job, he could make more than what the gov't is giving him. they could save up for a car, a house, or a vacation.

i know what these well-intentioned family members are trying to do: help us come up with solutions so that i could stay home with our son.

yes...that would be ideal. but i also want our son to have the best of both worlds...and right now, that's exactly what he's going to have. i have a job where i can work 2o hours a week and we'd be financially fine! and still be able to put money in our savings! but i will still be home with him lots and lots!

will it be hard leaving him? HECK yes. but, i want our son to have the experiences i had growing up, and then some. my parents owned their own home, and while yes...at times money was scarce, my parents worked hard, and got ahead. now, they are more financially free than the majority of the country.

the meaning of this blog....

why settle for a handout, when you could be the one helping those who really need it?

God...I'm so mad at You!

It's amazing when the Creator of the universe wants us to talk with Him.

and it blows my mind...

Just like a jealous lover, He will do WHATEVER He can to keep us talking.

When we may not feel like talking, He will try to prompt us, by showing us a beautiful sunset, or by having an unexpected blessing show up on our door; all to get us to say, "Thank you, Lord. I see You haven't forgotten about me, and that You still care."

But what about when we're angry, upset, or feel abandoned?

Firstly, we're never abandoned. He is ALWAYS there with us...whether or not we see Him or sense Him. (Deu.t 31: 6, 8; Josh 1:5; 1 Kings 8:57). That's truth. That's not a theory, or a guess; it's TRUTH.

Secondly, it's perfectly ok to be angry with God. It's perfectly ok to be emotional with God.

Just whatever you do, don't close the communication with God. Even if all you say is, "God...I can't deal with You right now; I'm too angry, " then just say that. Don't let a communication barrier form with you and the Creator of all.

Yesterday morning, during worship at our church, I was experiencing some spiritual attacks. My mind was racing with all the reasons I didn't want to be in our church, and why I didn't want to be anywhere near this or that situation, and what has happened over the last two years.

I felt/feel completely and totally lost, abandoned, alone, and (the word that stuck out to me most) exposed.

I felt/feel as though God refused to protect me from the things I've experienced. I've had people gossip about me behind my back, turn their back on me when I went to them for prayer (literally), I've had people purposefully exclude me from activities, throw my past in my face despite the fact I'd repented and received forgiveness for it, among many other situations.

And I blamed/blame God. He brought me to this church. He wanted me to become involved. He wanted me to open my heart to these people only to have it trampled on and have people tell me that it will never work, and to have all support withdrawn!

Why God?! To show me that i was naive?! To help me to "grow up"? Where are You in this??

Before I go on any further, I will say this: He has given me some good and fruitful relationships at this place; but, yet, I still dread going every Sunday. For those who are real friends, Thank you. I plan on telling each of you what you mean to me and how you've shown Christ to me when I thought He was absent from my life. But each of you have. Wes and Margaret, Doris, Ellen, Kathie, and several others; you've really reached out to me...thank you!

I've experienced community in its truest form. I've been apart of home fellowship at the purest of times. It is in those times I've grown closest to God more than any other time. It is one of the healthiest form of growth.

Yet, over the last two years, I've wanted NOTHING to do with community. I didn't want to go to anyone's house and fellowship. A fellowship meal is more a burden to me than a joy. It makes me very sad to see the difference in healthy fellowship and unhealthy fellowship. It's always obvious when two people or families don't get along, and yet, they attend the same fellowship dinner, and are forced to be civil; yes...it's awkward.

I was ready to leave and go back to my old church over it. But I've been struggling over it because I knew God called me here for a reason, even though I have yet to see it.

God broke through the noise yesterday morning, and told me I was called here. And for the first time in two years, I didn't take a deep breath and say, fine...whatever, God. I said, "God...I'm SO angry with You!"

Tears flowed as they haven't in many many months...

The communication opened back up, and I was able to tell Him why I've been so angry with him.

The feelings...they're still there. It will take time for those to go away. But, it's the first step that's always the hardest...and I've taken it.

God, I'm no longer convincing myself to believe it when I say You are good. I now can proclaim that it's not only truth, but true in my life too. Thank You, Lord, for giving me time, and not letting me go.

Unspeakable. Lord, no words can define how I'm feeling now, but i love You!

God provides...

this week has been a crazy week! we've had funerals, and viewings, and i've had things to do to get ready for baby, when he decides to grace us with his presence!

Made an appt to meet a pediatrician, to get pre-registered at the hospital, lots and lots of doctors appts.

as well as getting registered for baby stuff!

it only took me 4 hours!

I went to target and JCPenney and registered there. I'm trying to stay away from the newborn things, since if i get too many, i won't use them, and i know i'll need 3-6, 6-9, and 9-12 months more!

one thing that i noticed was something similar as when i registered for wedding gifts. "what if we don't get what we need and can't afford to buy it?!"

what if we don't get a crib, or a carseat, or a stroller, or whatever...

the most expensive things always weigh heavy on my mind!

God provided for us when we got married. i mean...we got an apartment only 2 weeks after we got married, and jacob had only gotten ONE paycheck from his new job....

we actually have some money saved up now...God is good! how can i doubt his provision??

Lord, forgive me for doubting your goodness! you are our provider and we will rely heavily on you to provide. if you don't give us a house we still have a roof over our heads...

if you don't give me a new job..i'm still working..

Lord, you have provided for us in every way imaginable, and then some ways not so imaginable...

could i forget when Jacob was laid off of work for two months, we didn't know how bills were going to get paid and a mysterious envelope of money was dropped off at our front door??!!

Lord, you are good! you provide for us in every way! we believe you will not only provide for us this time, but that you will draw our son to You, and let him serve You in a way only You can dream up for him! place dreams in his mind even NOW.

use him for your kingdom, Lord. that is my hearts desire! help me to be the mom you created me to be! help Jacob to be the dad you created him to be! Lord, you are good!

Happy New Year!

We rang in the new year at a friends house, came home and was in bed and asleep by 1 am!

woke up to be at work by 9...worked all day, came home, and was in excruciating back pain.

My hip has been popping out of place, squeezing some very tender muscles. I now know what it is, and desire to fix it, but my chiropractors office is closed until the 4th. so...i wait.

in pain.

this morning, i FEEL better, but i know it's temporary because as soon as i go to work and am on my feet for longer than 5 minutes, it will start hurting all over again.

today, my husband is on his way to winchester to take medicine up to his grandfather, and visiting with him. i'm going to work, again, and looking forward to the weekend....(MY weekend). Sunday we're going to look at a few houses after church, and then monday, i have off of work. i work only tuesday next week and then am taking VACATION. i never thought the time would come! it's great! i need it after the holiday and work.

Happy new year everyone!

We're looking forward to the new year:

A baby...

Maybe a house...

and maybe a job change for me...

good stuff is happening. it's exciting!