It's amazing when the Creator of the universe wants us to talk with Him.
and it blows my mind...
Just like a jealous lover, He will do WHATEVER He can to keep us talking.
When we may not feel like talking, He will try to prompt us, by showing us a beautiful sunset, or by having an unexpected blessing show up on our door; all to get us to say, "Thank you, Lord. I see You haven't forgotten about me, and that You still care."
But what about when we're angry, upset, or feel abandoned?
Firstly, we're never abandoned. He is ALWAYS there with us...whether or not we see Him or sense Him. (Deu.t 31: 6, 8; Josh 1:5; 1 Kings 8:57). That's truth. That's not a theory, or a guess; it's TRUTH.
Secondly, it's perfectly ok to be angry with God. It's perfectly ok to be emotional with God.
Just whatever you do, don't close the communication with God. Even if all you say is, "God...I can't deal with You right now; I'm too angry, " then just say that. Don't let a communication barrier form with you and the Creator of all.
Yesterday morning, during worship at our church, I was experiencing some spiritual attacks. My mind was racing with all the reasons I didn't want to be in our church, and why I didn't want to be anywhere near this or that situation, and what has happened over the last two years.
I felt/feel completely and totally lost, abandoned, alone, and (the word that stuck out to me most) exposed.
I felt/feel as though God refused to protect me from the things I've experienced. I've had people gossip about me behind my back, turn their back on me when I went to them for prayer (literally), I've had people purposefully exclude me from activities, throw my past in my face despite the fact I'd repented and received forgiveness for it, among many other situations.
And I blamed/blame God. He brought me to this church. He wanted me to become involved. He wanted me to open my heart to these people only to have it trampled on and have people tell me that it will never work, and to have all support withdrawn!
Why God?! To show me that i was naive?! To help me to "grow up"? Where are You in this??
Before I go on any further, I will say this: He has given me some good and fruitful relationships at this place; but, yet, I still dread going every Sunday. For those who are real friends, Thank you. I plan on telling each of you what you mean to me and how you've shown Christ to me when I thought He was absent from my life. But each of you have. Wes and Margaret, Doris, Ellen, Kathie, and several others; you've really reached out to me...thank you!
I've experienced community in its truest form. I've been apart of home fellowship at the purest of times. It is in those times I've grown closest to God more than any other time. It is one of the healthiest form of growth.
Yet, over the last two years, I've wanted NOTHING to do with community. I didn't want to go to anyone's house and fellowship. A fellowship meal is more a burden to me than a joy. It makes me very sad to see the difference in healthy fellowship and unhealthy fellowship. It's always obvious when two people or families don't get along, and yet, they attend the same fellowship dinner, and are forced to be civil; yes...it's awkward.
I was ready to leave and go back to my old church over it. But I've been struggling over it because I knew God called me here for a reason, even though I have yet to see it.
God broke through the noise yesterday morning, and told me I was called here. And for the first time in two years, I didn't take a deep breath and say, fine...whatever, God. I said, "God...I'm SO angry with You!"
Tears flowed as they haven't in many many months...
The communication opened back up, and I was able to tell Him why I've been so angry with him.
The feelings...they're still there. It will take time for those to go away. But, it's the first step that's always the hardest...and I've taken it.
God, I'm no longer convincing myself to believe it when I say You are good. I now can proclaim that it's not only truth, but true in my life too. Thank You, Lord, for giving me time, and not letting me go.
Unspeakable. Lord, no words can define how I'm feeling now, but i love You!
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2 comments:
Jodi dear, I read this and wondered "why is it we put the blame on God for the actions of others?" We get angry and frustrated at Him when I am sure the actions that hurt us hurt Him all the more. I am glad you know where God was through all of that. He never left you, He never deserted you, and I know it breaks His heart to see His children treated badly by people who claim to also be His children. I love you girl.
i agree...whole heartedly. i don't know if what i felt was coming through 100%. i never doubted God's presence anywhere in any situation. I knew He was (and still is) there.
God is my Lover. He can ask something of me that hurts me to give over to him, and that can upset me. I'm not going to deny that obeying God is sometimes unpleasant. If i did that, i'd be lying. Especially in this situation, disobeying is a heck of a lot easier...but...Refine me, O Lord..lol.
also, to answer your question, I don't blame God for what other people did. I blame them. I also don't trust them. But i DO blame God for asking me to keep enduring it all, over and over again, which he has...to keep experiencing it all over and over again...I don't know what worse: having those same people do the same things to me over and over again, or to have the one who has the power to end it ask me to endure it over and over again.
make sense?
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