thankful

sometimes the bad things are actually good...and it may take years for us to realize it.

for example:

the reason i have been so easily hurt by "friends" over the last couple of years is that two of my very close friends from high school hurt me very deeply; spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically (meaning my self esteem, self confidence, etc.).

i know they didn't intend for it to happen...and in fact, i am pretty sure it was God's doing. not that He wanted me to be shaken up so much that i doubted my salvation...that was my doing. but...the experience did indeed shake me to my inner core.

yet, somehow, i knew i couldn't just walk away from Him.

anyway...

several times over the last several months, i have run into one of these persons on a number of occasions...innocent enough...once i was having coffee with some girlfriends, and other times, i was alone. i did always take the time to say hi, and make some sort of conversation. now...if it were a year ago...or even 6 months ago, it would've been an awkward situation for me. but now that i've run into them, it wasn't at all awkward. it was very....i dunno...peaceful? i was at complete peace while talking to them...i was comfortable? i even thought about maybe just meeting up for coffee or something light to catch up.

but i am TRULY glad that i have not done so. it would just lead to the same heartache as before. i do hope that our friendship can be restored...but it cannot be initiated from my end. THEY have to do it.

the day after i ran into this person the first time, i left a comment on their facebook saying how good it was to see them, and wished them an enjoyable week ahead.

no response. didn't expect one....didn't want one.

one week later, i see comments on several mutual friends pages from this person...i'm not sure why, as one of these persons lives out of the area, but as it was, obviously God layed them on their heart for some reason...

anyhow...

remember how i said i was having coffee with some girlfriends? well, one of my girlfriends had a comment....yet...not me.

this is a vicious pattern that i saw at the very end of our friendship. this friend would spend hours on the phone with other friends in "our circle" then neither of those friends would call me. after MONTHS of that happening, i began to feel like i was being "phased out." i wasn't attending their church or their "special services." what did we have in common anymore? i mean...really? they were so preoccupied with their ministries, they forgot that their friends were hurting....

at least, that's how i felt. like i said earlier, i feel like God had a hand in it.

the patterns...

though...

they are still there.

and as long as the patterns are still there, i can't put myself out there to these particular people.

i just can't.

but..i am truly thankful for God's protection. He is taking care of my heart where i would be foolish with it. Thank you, Lord...for your gentle protection...