God...I'm so mad at You!

It's amazing when the Creator of the universe wants us to talk with Him.

and it blows my mind...

Just like a jealous lover, He will do WHATEVER He can to keep us talking.

When we may not feel like talking, He will try to prompt us, by showing us a beautiful sunset, or by having an unexpected blessing show up on our door; all to get us to say, "Thank you, Lord. I see You haven't forgotten about me, and that You still care."

But what about when we're angry, upset, or feel abandoned?

Firstly, we're never abandoned. He is ALWAYS there with us...whether or not we see Him or sense Him. (Deu.t 31: 6, 8; Josh 1:5; 1 Kings 8:57). That's truth. That's not a theory, or a guess; it's TRUTH.

Secondly, it's perfectly ok to be angry with God. It's perfectly ok to be emotional with God.

Just whatever you do, don't close the communication with God. Even if all you say is, "God...I can't deal with You right now; I'm too angry, " then just say that. Don't let a communication barrier form with you and the Creator of all.

Yesterday morning, during worship at our church, I was experiencing some spiritual attacks. My mind was racing with all the reasons I didn't want to be in our church, and why I didn't want to be anywhere near this or that situation, and what has happened over the last two years.

I felt/feel completely and totally lost, abandoned, alone, and (the word that stuck out to me most) exposed.

I felt/feel as though God refused to protect me from the things I've experienced. I've had people gossip about me behind my back, turn their back on me when I went to them for prayer (literally), I've had people purposefully exclude me from activities, throw my past in my face despite the fact I'd repented and received forgiveness for it, among many other situations.

And I blamed/blame God. He brought me to this church. He wanted me to become involved. He wanted me to open my heart to these people only to have it trampled on and have people tell me that it will never work, and to have all support withdrawn!

Why God?! To show me that i was naive?! To help me to "grow up"? Where are You in this??

Before I go on any further, I will say this: He has given me some good and fruitful relationships at this place; but, yet, I still dread going every Sunday. For those who are real friends, Thank you. I plan on telling each of you what you mean to me and how you've shown Christ to me when I thought He was absent from my life. But each of you have. Wes and Margaret, Doris, Ellen, Kathie, and several others; you've really reached out to me...thank you!

I've experienced community in its truest form. I've been apart of home fellowship at the purest of times. It is in those times I've grown closest to God more than any other time. It is one of the healthiest form of growth.

Yet, over the last two years, I've wanted NOTHING to do with community. I didn't want to go to anyone's house and fellowship. A fellowship meal is more a burden to me than a joy. It makes me very sad to see the difference in healthy fellowship and unhealthy fellowship. It's always obvious when two people or families don't get along, and yet, they attend the same fellowship dinner, and are forced to be civil; yes...it's awkward.

I was ready to leave and go back to my old church over it. But I've been struggling over it because I knew God called me here for a reason, even though I have yet to see it.

God broke through the noise yesterday morning, and told me I was called here. And for the first time in two years, I didn't take a deep breath and say, fine...whatever, God. I said, "God...I'm SO angry with You!"

Tears flowed as they haven't in many many months...

The communication opened back up, and I was able to tell Him why I've been so angry with him.

The feelings...they're still there. It will take time for those to go away. But, it's the first step that's always the hardest...and I've taken it.

God, I'm no longer convincing myself to believe it when I say You are good. I now can proclaim that it's not only truth, but true in my life too. Thank You, Lord, for giving me time, and not letting me go.

Unspeakable. Lord, no words can define how I'm feeling now, but i love You!

God provides...

this week has been a crazy week! we've had funerals, and viewings, and i've had things to do to get ready for baby, when he decides to grace us with his presence!

Made an appt to meet a pediatrician, to get pre-registered at the hospital, lots and lots of doctors appts.

as well as getting registered for baby stuff!

it only took me 4 hours!

I went to target and JCPenney and registered there. I'm trying to stay away from the newborn things, since if i get too many, i won't use them, and i know i'll need 3-6, 6-9, and 9-12 months more!

one thing that i noticed was something similar as when i registered for wedding gifts. "what if we don't get what we need and can't afford to buy it?!"

what if we don't get a crib, or a carseat, or a stroller, or whatever...

the most expensive things always weigh heavy on my mind!

God provided for us when we got married. i mean...we got an apartment only 2 weeks after we got married, and jacob had only gotten ONE paycheck from his new job....

we actually have some money saved up now...God is good! how can i doubt his provision??

Lord, forgive me for doubting your goodness! you are our provider and we will rely heavily on you to provide. if you don't give us a house we still have a roof over our heads...

if you don't give me a new job..i'm still working..

Lord, you have provided for us in every way imaginable, and then some ways not so imaginable...

could i forget when Jacob was laid off of work for two months, we didn't know how bills were going to get paid and a mysterious envelope of money was dropped off at our front door??!!

Lord, you are good! you provide for us in every way! we believe you will not only provide for us this time, but that you will draw our son to You, and let him serve You in a way only You can dream up for him! place dreams in his mind even NOW.

use him for your kingdom, Lord. that is my hearts desire! help me to be the mom you created me to be! help Jacob to be the dad you created him to be! Lord, you are good!

Happy New Year!

We rang in the new year at a friends house, came home and was in bed and asleep by 1 am!

woke up to be at work by 9...worked all day, came home, and was in excruciating back pain.

My hip has been popping out of place, squeezing some very tender muscles. I now know what it is, and desire to fix it, but my chiropractors office is closed until the 4th. so...i wait.

in pain.

this morning, i FEEL better, but i know it's temporary because as soon as i go to work and am on my feet for longer than 5 minutes, it will start hurting all over again.

today, my husband is on his way to winchester to take medicine up to his grandfather, and visiting with him. i'm going to work, again, and looking forward to the weekend....(MY weekend). Sunday we're going to look at a few houses after church, and then monday, i have off of work. i work only tuesday next week and then am taking VACATION. i never thought the time would come! it's great! i need it after the holiday and work.

Happy new year everyone!

We're looking forward to the new year:

A baby...

Maybe a house...

and maybe a job change for me...

good stuff is happening. it's exciting!

oh the joys!

Christmas has come and gone...

now on to the new year...

i don't think the new year will be as fun and exciting as last year. i work the entire week, opening both new years eve and new years day. not too fun.

the most exciting part of the next few weeks: i'm taking vacation time off of work!

My hopes for this time:

a) to get registered at target and walmart for baby stuff

b) to get the office cleaned out to make room for baby and all the baby stuff

c) to relax and de-stress after the holidays.

I have been told from some family members that I am WAY too big, and that i should ask my doctor to check for twins.

at my appointment this morning, i asked my doctor. he said, "People should just keep their mouths shut. You're perfectly normal size and measurement for the ONE baby that is in there!"

i know i shouldn't let it get to me...but when i already feel fat and gross and disgusting...the LAST thing i want to hear from people who supposedly love me is that i'm huge.

i really love being pregnant, but there is another situation that is ruining it for me:

i've had the same family members corner me in the kitchen on CHRISTMAS day...

to interrogate me about baby names.

We haven't come to any conclusions...we're trying to find SOME that we like and the meanings are something that will edify our son to be a man of God and someone that will help build the Kingdom of God.

yet...these family members cornered me and began asking me about what names we've chosen. when i explained that we haven't had any yet, they were saying, "what are they?"

"i just said, we haven't picked any out! we just started talking about it this week and seriously looking at BOY names this week!"

"ok...well...please just run them by us...we want to help you with...ya know...names and nicknames.."

"why?"

"we just don't want you to pick anything out that's too gay!"

"Gay?! like what?"

"like evan, or Owen, or..."

"HOLD up. Owen is a family name on my grandmothers side...that's not 'too gay!'"

now...i realize that yes...again, i may be taking this too personally...

but if these SAME people don't TRUST me or my husband to name our child something appropriate, then are they going to trust us to raise our child?

Doubt it.

and i'm not one to go to family functions only to be ridiculed for how i raise my children!

if this keeps up, i can't imagine myself even wanting to be with this family during get togethers!

i'm not one to push away advice, but if it's given with prejudice, i dismiss it almost immediately. and the only reason i say "almost" is that i have to remind myself every time that they mean well and that Godly advice can come in all forms...

i say "with prejudice" because these family members are assuming this is the first time i've ever cared for a child!

now...i admit, a boy is intimidating. but when my niece was born, i was there nearly every day, helping change her diaper...feed a bottle (when my sister was unable to breastfeed)...burp the baby...rock her to sleep. there was even a little joke that my mom made that if my sister had problems, give her to me, and i'll get her to sleep.

and i understand boys are different. i've changed my nephews diapers...helped him as much as i could, but with work and school wasn't able to be there QUITE as much. i regret that, b/c as it seems, i'm not as close with my nephew as i would like to be, but, it happens. i can only change the future.

plus...i believe God created me to be a mother. i never would have thought this before i was married. yet, i started to see in myself a nurturing, motherly side of myself that i never saw in myself before i got married. and since getting pregnant, it has increased 10 fold. i can not imagine myself without children now, and am MOVED beyond hormones for children other than my own!

for these family members to assume something about me is beyond hurtful. i know i'm currently more sensitive because of the hormones, but, it is hurtful that they don't trust me to name my own child let alone raise him!

and it is beyond hurtful that they would feel the need to tell me they don't trust me. i can handle gossip behind my back...i've been taking it since i could remember. whatever.

but...i am an adult...right? and jacob....he too, is an adult....right?

i mean...we got married. we own our own cars. we have our own place. we pay our bills; we have money in our account; we have some in savings...

and we don't ask a whole lot from our parents...

we don't ask them for money...or to take care of situations for us....

in fact, we do it for them!

we give our parents money!

we take care of our parents situations FOR THEM!

so in that way, aren't we more mature than they are?

so, let me get this straight.

i need to get approval from people who can barely make their own payments on their own purchases, who can barely stay faithful to their own families, because i'm incapable of making the decisions for myself?

it's hard not to be upset by this...but because i've had good blood pressure up to this point, i'm trying really hard to remain calm, and composed. but it's frustrating. everytime i go to their house, am i going to be bombarded until the baby comes?

our plan was to not tell anyone what names we picked out were. right now, our plan is to come up with the most ridiculous names we could think of, and tell them that's what we have decided on, just to see what kind of response we get.

sad that's how we have to do it, huh?

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

I had a wonderful Christmas...and I wasn't sure if i would until yesterday sometime. I was experiencing a lot of holiday stress and was letting it affect me. After talking with a very VERY dear friend, I spent some time praying (during work and after), and realized that Jesus doesn't care. He loves me. He lived and died for my salvation...not so that I can have a clean and organized home, or bake that perfect pie under the most imperfect of conditions, or be completely comfortable in the most uncomfortable conditions.

He came. He lived. He died. He conquered. He rose again.

What perfection!

There's a little girl I'm asking all of you to pray for, Mary Furr. Her mom is Margaret Furr and her blog is: http://margaret-robertslife.blogspot.com/2009/12/christmas-eve.html

Meanwhile, the spoiling continues! Jacob COMPLETELY spoiled me for Christmas!

I KNEW I was getting a Pampered Chef Deep Covered Dish Baker. And that alone was more than half our budget. But he COMPLETELY surprised me with a jewelry armoire! I have been wanting one since i was probably close to 12. it's about 2.5-3 feet tall, dark colored wood, and is absolutely wonderful! I did not expect that at all! i already put all my jewelry in it, and can't wait to fill it up!

our day was very full, but very relaxed and very enjoyable! i loved having the time to enjoy our family and really enjoyed hanging out with my in laws! i've been awake since 6 AM and it is now 10:30, and knowing i have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning (at the latest!), i'm wiped. but it's a good kind of wiped out. :-) I'm content!

a lesson learned...

one lesson i've learned over the years...

careful of what and whom you judge...

We judge others character...

the spiritual fruit we may see in others...

others reactions to various circumstances...

among many other situations...

when i was younger, i judged the men i dated, and wanted to date. i always said i would never date anyone younger than me....

i married a man younger than me...

a friend of mine and i lost contact after graduation. a couple of years later, i got a call from this dear friend, and discovered that in the 2 months previous, she had gotten married, and then discovered she was pregnant.

by this point, i took things from my friends as they told me. I don't know if that's really how it was, or if she was pregnant when she got married. who am i to judge? who am i to really care?

a mutual friend and i were discussing this event. i expressed wanting to get her a gift for the baby, her new husband, etc...

she called this friend of mine a 'whore' and then a liar and said that she was not only pregnant when she got married, but she was hiding that fact by lying to everyone about it.

i said, 'that's my friend. i don't appreciate you talking about her like that. i don't know if it's true or not, but still."

last year, this mutual friend of mine (we're not very close and haven't been since) had a baby with no man in sight.

i want to say "what comes around, goes around," but the more Biblical phrase i would think would be "a man reaps what he sows." or "do not judge, and you will not be judged."

Daddy-to-do list

My wonderful husband!

He likes to surf the web, and read blogs, and keep up to date with some of his favorite pastors.

One of these pastors is Mark Driscoll. He's written several Christian Inspiration books, and I've heard a couple of his sermons on podcasts. He's a very interesting pastor with a very interesting technique. But, he does have a heart for God and for families.

This last week or so, Jacob brought home a Daddy-to-do list for Christmas. I thought it was super special, and wanted to share it with all of you.

You can find this on Mark Driscoll's blog. However, I don't know what the address is, so if you search Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill Church, you should be able to find it....

The bold marks are as they are in his blog, too, by the way. I just want to thank Jacob for bringing this home and showing me. I'm saddened to know that this isn't the way I was brought up, but excited to know that this is the way my children will grow up.

Daddy-to-do List:

"Tis the season for Dad to drop the holiday ball, stress out as the money is being spent for presents, and miss yet another providential opportunity to lovingly lead his family. So, this blog is intended to help dads not fall into the same old rut of holiday humdrum, sitting on the couch watching football and eating carbs, but rather intentionally plan out the upcoming holiday season. Our children grow quickly and if we miss the sacred moments God opens up for us to connect with and bless our families, everyone suffers and we set in motion generations of missed opportunity.

1. Dad needs a plan for the holidays to ensure that his family is loved and memories are made. Dad, what's your plan?
2. Dad needs to check the local guides for what's going on to make fun holiday plans for the family.
3. Dad needs to carve out time for sacred events and experiences to build family traditions that are fun and point to Jesus. Dad, is your calendar ready for December?
4. Dad needs to not let the stress of the holidays, including money, cause him to be grumpy with Mom or the kids. Dad, how's your joy?
5. Dad needs to give experiences and not just gifts. Dad what special memories can you make this holiday season?
6. Dad needs to manage the extended family and friends during the holidays. Dad, who or what do you need to say "no" to?
7. Dad needs to ensure his family is giving generously during the holidays. Dad who in need is your family going to adopt and bless?
8. Dad needs to schedule a big Christmas daddy date with his daughter. Dad, what's your big plan for the fancy daddy date?
9. Dad needs to schedule guy time with his son. Dad, what are you and your son going to do that is active, outdoors, and fun?
10. Dad needs to help Mom get the house decorated. Dad, are you really a big help to Mom with getting things ready?
11. Dad needs to ensure some holiday smells and sound. Dad, is Christmas music on the iPod, is the tree up, and can you smell the cookies and cider in your house?
12. Dad needs to snuggle up and watch some fun shows with the kids, especially the little ones. Dad, is the DVR set?
13. Dad needs to take the family on a drive to see Christmas lights while listening to music and sipping cider. Dad, is it mapped out?
14. Dad needs to help Mom get the kids' rooms decorated. Dad, do the little kids get lights or a small tree in their room?
15. Dad needs to read about Jesus and pray over his kids. Dad, how's your pastoral work going with each of your kids?
16. Dad needs to repent of being lazy, selfish, grumpy, or just dumping the holidays on Mom. Dad, are you a servant like Jesus to your family?