thankful

sometimes the bad things are actually good...and it may take years for us to realize it.

for example:

the reason i have been so easily hurt by "friends" over the last couple of years is that two of my very close friends from high school hurt me very deeply; spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically (meaning my self esteem, self confidence, etc.).

i know they didn't intend for it to happen...and in fact, i am pretty sure it was God's doing. not that He wanted me to be shaken up so much that i doubted my salvation...that was my doing. but...the experience did indeed shake me to my inner core.

yet, somehow, i knew i couldn't just walk away from Him.

anyway...

several times over the last several months, i have run into one of these persons on a number of occasions...innocent enough...once i was having coffee with some girlfriends, and other times, i was alone. i did always take the time to say hi, and make some sort of conversation. now...if it were a year ago...or even 6 months ago, it would've been an awkward situation for me. but now that i've run into them, it wasn't at all awkward. it was very....i dunno...peaceful? i was at complete peace while talking to them...i was comfortable? i even thought about maybe just meeting up for coffee or something light to catch up.

but i am TRULY glad that i have not done so. it would just lead to the same heartache as before. i do hope that our friendship can be restored...but it cannot be initiated from my end. THEY have to do it.

the day after i ran into this person the first time, i left a comment on their facebook saying how good it was to see them, and wished them an enjoyable week ahead.

no response. didn't expect one....didn't want one.

one week later, i see comments on several mutual friends pages from this person...i'm not sure why, as one of these persons lives out of the area, but as it was, obviously God layed them on their heart for some reason...

anyhow...

remember how i said i was having coffee with some girlfriends? well, one of my girlfriends had a comment....yet...not me.

this is a vicious pattern that i saw at the very end of our friendship. this friend would spend hours on the phone with other friends in "our circle" then neither of those friends would call me. after MONTHS of that happening, i began to feel like i was being "phased out." i wasn't attending their church or their "special services." what did we have in common anymore? i mean...really? they were so preoccupied with their ministries, they forgot that their friends were hurting....

at least, that's how i felt. like i said earlier, i feel like God had a hand in it.

the patterns...

though...

they are still there.

and as long as the patterns are still there, i can't put myself out there to these particular people.

i just can't.

but..i am truly thankful for God's protection. He is taking care of my heart where i would be foolish with it. Thank you, Lord...for your gentle protection...

down days

sometimes, i have what i call, "down days."

i had one of those today. i'm not fully convinced that i feel completely better...

i had a rough night last night.

combine that with waking up this morning to go to a place where i had to struggle to feel like i belong....didn't make for a promising morning...

i have a ministry idea, but am a little scared to attempt what i have in mind.

i have a desire to get involved, but with what i've experienced, i don't know if i can go through it all over again.

last christmas was wonderful at this place. now...i wonder what to expect for the christmas dinner this year.

we learned this morning to give thanks in all things:

"Thank you Lord for the family you have given me...and thank you for the husband you've given me. thank you for our disagreements as they make us stronger. and more importantly...thank you Lord, that i have someone who loves me...and that the generational curses being held onto my family are stopping with us. Thank you for your true faithfulness--even when we are so unfaithful!"

some news:

i'm learning more sign language. one thing that i would like to do in the new year is interpret for my sisters-in-law at church. so, i'm going through the process of learning the appropriate signs.

pray for me please! that i can retain the signs i learn!

thanks all!

i wonder...

i often wonder why we choose to live in the small things.

i do it. and i know why i do it. but i don't at the same time. the small things can make my day or make me want to shoot myself.

so what? why do we choose to live in the fact that someone disagrees with us? why do we just assume that they are an idiot b/c they voted democrat/republican (insert your own belief here)?

why do we treat them like they don't exist just because they are different from us?

why do we choose to not listen to their beliefs with an open mind just because they aren't our beliefs?

why do we say we're an open-minded group of people (church, political group, religious belief, etc...) when we barrage others with insults the first time someone disagrees with us?

why do we comment on people's blogs automatically assuming they believe what we believe and assume that is the ONLY way to believe?

why do we think we know the truth when we don't know the One who is true?

why do we automatically assume the worst about someone even though we have known them for years and at this point should know their heart...and even if the worst is true, why can't we still love them....because after all...isn't that what we should do?

just because Jesus is the only way to Heaven and He is true and the Bible is true, doesn't mean you aren't entitled to think differently. you can think whatever you want. but...there is absolute truth....his name is Jesus. he is absolutely true.

i wrote this blog and posted it on facebook a couple of days ago.

some might think it's because of what i've been through.

but actually it was based on a comment from a "friend" on my husbands facebook.

"oh...i thought you meant..."

seems to be a favorite saying of our "friends".

i think next time i'm approached with this saying, i'm going to simply reply with:

"of course that's what i meant! cuz i'd rather wish harm on you than prosperity....and i'd rather see you crumble than see you succeed. cuz...that's what being friends with you is all about, and i'll be darned if i see anything else!"

YAY!

i feel somewhat successful!

one thing i've been wanting to get done is to print off some of the wedding pictures. i finally got the ordered and now have them in my possession. tonight...i'm going to frame them as i wait for my bestest friend Kristin to come over. it's going to be our long-awaited margarita night. :o)

Jacob is taking his little cousin out to see a movie. originally, i was supposed to go, but i wasn't really feeling seeing this movie....again. jacob loved it so he's going to see it for his third time.

i cleaned all day at work...which is great! i feel GREAT about what i had done....but i also feel disgusting. cleaning at work usually means something along the lines of spoiled milk and coffee messes. so...i feel disgusting and am about to go take a shower before i do much else. :o)

holiday

where i work, i see lots of people who claim to be christians.

i'm not sure what they mean by that because how they treat me (as a server) makes me angry.

for example: today i had a woman buying a christian living book chastise me for offering her a member card.

it's my job to offer a membercard.

now:

i understand that we are to be stewards with our resources...and that includes our income...

however....

Fellow believers in the Almighty God...

don't forsake your witness just to save a dollar.

if you find yourself coming up with a hurtful comment to the cashier who just offered you something that would cost you an extra dollar or so...

DON'T SAY IT.

say, "no thanks! have a great day!"

a lot of people i work with know that i love Jesus. they don't necessarily understand it, but they come to me when people who are buying a Bible or a christian living book and complain about these customers who are hurtful and just down right mean.

in fact...Christians are usually the worst customers. which is ironic.

sunday is the worst time to work retail. especially after noon....when all the churches are let out.

maybe it's a good thing you're buying this stuff....cuz you sure could use it.

at least...that's how i look at it. my co-workers who don't believe in God or choose not to follow Him, think: "figures...if that's what their god is like, i don't wanna follow him."

this holiday season (thanksgiving, Christmas, and new years), let's show our service people that we have a God who is not only worth following, but loves them in a way they can't fathom.

it's late...

i don't really even know what day it technically is:

sunday night?

monday morning?

it's at that point in the evening when it all just kinda blurs together.

jacob and i have had a looong weekend, yet, that doesn't deter me from staying up late....

actually, it's because i feel like i have something to share with you guys, but for the life of me, i don't know what it is.

life has been....well...weird since my blog about church.

my husband read it, and was blessed by it, which in turn, blesses me.

yet, i can't help but feel that as i sit on my couch in my living room, with the giants/eagles game in the last 4 minutes, my husband in bed, sleeping...exhausted by our long weekend, and even longer day....that there is something out there.

i don't know how to explain it.

my heart is burdened, but not heavy...

my mind is racing, but focused.

my soul is searching, but knows i've found something....

i am not satisfied.

this may come off as "woe is me."

in reality...i'm not satisfied, b/c i know i'm created for something more. we all are. don't limit yourselves....i'm learning not to limit myself.

God is strong....

let's be strong by HIS strength!

church

on wednesday evenings, i attend what my old church calls a cell group meeting. if you are not familiar with this term, i'll try to BRIEFLY describe it to you.

Basically, it's like a small group--we get together and sometimes we study the word, or we gather around each other in prayer, or sometimes, we do some fun stuff to help us get through the week. the term "cell group" comes from the fact that the church is the body of Christ; each of these smaller meetings throughout the week is called cell because a cell is a smaller part of the body.

the thing i miss most about my old church is the emphasis on experiencing church like we read about in the new testament. when Jacob and i got married, i made the transition into his church. partly because i didn't want to fight about it, but mainly because he was already so involved; much more than i was in my old church.

less than a year of attending this church, i already regret that decision. first of all, it is a small church. coming from a big church, i really didn't think that it would be different. but, it really is. the dynamics of a small church are very different than that of a big church.

i'll give an example:

i had heard that someone was talking about me behind my back about things that weren't very...well...nice. and this person knew nothing of what they were saying. i know this because i don't particularly talk to them....ever. especially about the topic at hand.

the next morning, i went to someone i trusted, feeling hurt and needing some affirmation, BADLY. this person thought i was badmouthing, talking negatively, spreading gossip about this person, and basically did an "about-face." this just added to the hurt and insecurity i was already feeling.

now, the difference is here: i know this person didn't mean to cause hurt, but at my old church, the ladies that i commune with, they would KNOW that i wasn't trying to badmouth or spread negativity or gossip about someone....they would know that i was hurting.

in fact, they did. this past wednesday evening, they asked me how i was doing in the transition from one church to another....i explained the situation without any names, to be on the safe side, and just explained how hurt i was. they were the church to me.

they didn't judge me.

they didn't assume bad things about me, just because of what i was saying...

and nor did they talk to me like it was MY fault.

these are all things that i have felt non-stop since attending my husbands church.

instead, they gathered around me, and prayed for me and these relationships. they even said, "how ridiculous! of course you were hurting!"

it was such a blessing...and i will never forget it. it is something that i pray i can take to my current church and spread.

note on blog below

i have to write a disclaimer....

i just published a blog where i talked about my job and what i said to customers...

i in fact did not say that to customers about enjoying pike place on port republic. i mumbled under my breath after they walked away.

likewise, i only told them about the starbucks on port road if they asked.

i tried to offer them a cup of our coffee, but they never really stood around long enough for me to say: we have coffee for $1.83. so....forgive me for not pushing that enough....

election day and coffee...

i must say i hate election day.

when i was in school, i loved it b/c it meant going to my grandmothers for the day.

however, now, there are so many things involved with politics that has made me very cynical when i go to vote. now, i do feel very strongly that we should all be involved in our government and society, because we have to live in it, we should get a say about what happens.

however...

the politics (notice i use government and politics NOT interchangably....they are NOT the same thing.) of our society have made things very unfair. the whole voting process has never been fair and it doesn't matter who is declared victor tonight (or early tomorrow morning for us east coast folks), it will never be fair. there will always be something that this person does that will upset some group of people, or multiple groups of people.

we all think we know what the government needs....i do this too....however, if we all think we know and what we all think is not the same, then....who's right?

i think no one is and at the same time, we all are.

it's also become too much about the parties. "vote democratic" "vote republican" is written up on signs in multiple places in our city and county. for one election, i think we should not say a WORD about who's with what party, and show previous voting records (for congressmen) and previous failures and successes for those who desire to run for ANY government office--local or national.

how many people would be thrown off because of that? really? how many people have voted a certain party b/c that's all they've known for however many years?

for the most part this election season, i have avoided most conversations about politics that make me uncomfortable. i nod when anyone would talk about the candidate opposite of my choosing. and i would smile whenever talk turned to the candidate i preferred. but today has sent me over the edge.....

starbucks was offering a free cup of coffee to anyone who voted.

i work in a coffee shop that is NOT a starbucks....

but...i have been yelled at and chastised by these idiotic people for not offering them the free cup of coffee....

if only i could be sarcastic back without fear of losing my job....

and believe me, i was NOT in the mood today to take this crap from people.

in my head: "SHUT UP! TAKE YOUR FREAKIN CUP OF COFFEE! I HOPE YOU SPILL IT ON YOU AND BURN YOUR HAND!"

what came out: "go to port road. they're offering the worst cup of coffee i've had in years. pike place. enjoy."

Jacob dragged me to starbucks to get a free cup of coffee today. and it was seriously the worst cup i've ever had. i had one sip and had to pour it out. thank God it was free.

i don't get starbucks...given that i don't go there if i don't need to b/c why pay full price for coffee when i can get it 50% off? but...the few times i have been there (and maybe this is only the one here?? dunno!) they stopped brewing coffee after like 12 noon. meaning...when i WOULD'VE waited 5 minutes for a cup, there would be no waiting b/c they weren't making it.

but...you're a coffee shop.

then, their brewed coffee...literally sucks.

but you're an internationally known business.

can ANYONE explain this to me?

worlds apart

unfortunately, i am the only one to blame for this.

i was selfish.

i tried to be in a world that didn't belong to me and that i didn't belong in.

how can i start to sacrifice again? i know how hard it was to begin with....so to do it knowingly again; how hard it is!

i struggle with much, but to make the attempt to come back into God's will after being out of it for so long is harder than....just about anything.

"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
my sin soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart
halleluia"

Lord, I come before you knowing that You have so much more meant for me. Lord, i ask that You would take my world apart. Love the ones i despise....love those that mean harm for me. love those that talk about me behind my back...love those that don't understand me, and those i don't understand. Forgive them, Lord, for they have no idea how much i hurt.

Lord, break me. break my heart in such a way i have no choice but to come back to You. Lord, stay near to me. i need You. i can't live without You and don't want to. I love You Lord.

The image of Jesus being beaten beyond recognition, the idea that Jesus' skin being pierced with holes in His hands and feet, the spear that went through his side; his three days he spent in hell, paying for MY SIN...all that I DESERVE he took on himself. i can't fully comprehend. i have no idea. yet, he did it. and he'd do it all over again. How do i know this? well...he didn't have to do it in the beginning. he had the power to say no. to say, "you're not worth all this work and sacrifice i have to give." but he didn't. nope.

"Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay. if you're looking for this specific version, it can be found on the live cd on their Furthermore compilation.

"I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loved
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

and Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
so i pray...

take my world apart,
i am on my knees
take my world apart,
broken on my knees
on my knees, yeah...

Additional lyrics:

I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take my beauty, take my tears
my sin soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
take my beauty take my tears
sin soaked heart, make me yours
all the things i cannot hide
take my beauty take my tears,
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart
halleluia (repeated) "