"by the sweat of your brow"

Jacob and i work hard. we work hard to save up for a house, and, as we were talking last night, our new goal insight is for our 5 year anniversary: going on a cruise to either one of two places: Europe or the Caribbean.

Honestly, if one of us didn't work (as what happened last year at this time), we would very quickly get bored...out of our minds! We enjoy getting out of the house, and seeing people, meeting people and helping people through our jobs.

not only do we get a sense of reward, but satisfaction after a long, hard day, when we know we completed our tasks to the best of our ability. We experience frustration when we know we could have done better, or were prevented from whatever situation from doing our best.

do we always enjoy our job? no. do we always want to go to work? no. there are some days when we go in simply for the paycheck. those days are the hardest.

however, we also gain a lot of satisfaction when we don't have to go to family members every month asking for help for rent, or for groceries, or for gas money. it's also hard to not to gain a little bit of pride when family members come to us for the same thing...

but, i digress....

the last several months, we've had several family members come to us and tell us we need to sign up for government assistance. if it were a year ago, i'd consider it, because especially not knowing when Jacob would find a job again, it probably would've been helpful.

however, i've looked it up. we make too much for WIC. after talking with one of my sisters in law, she was concerned that if her husband got a job, their gov't assistance would decrease. I tried telling her, yes...but with a job, he could make more than what the gov't is giving him. they could save up for a car, a house, or a vacation.

i know what these well-intentioned family members are trying to do: help us come up with solutions so that i could stay home with our son.

yes...that would be ideal. but i also want our son to have the best of both worlds...and right now, that's exactly what he's going to have. i have a job where i can work 2o hours a week and we'd be financially fine! and still be able to put money in our savings! but i will still be home with him lots and lots!

will it be hard leaving him? HECK yes. but, i want our son to have the experiences i had growing up, and then some. my parents owned their own home, and while yes...at times money was scarce, my parents worked hard, and got ahead. now, they are more financially free than the majority of the country.

the meaning of this blog....

why settle for a handout, when you could be the one helping those who really need it?

God...I'm so mad at You!

It's amazing when the Creator of the universe wants us to talk with Him.

and it blows my mind...

Just like a jealous lover, He will do WHATEVER He can to keep us talking.

When we may not feel like talking, He will try to prompt us, by showing us a beautiful sunset, or by having an unexpected blessing show up on our door; all to get us to say, "Thank you, Lord. I see You haven't forgotten about me, and that You still care."

But what about when we're angry, upset, or feel abandoned?

Firstly, we're never abandoned. He is ALWAYS there with us...whether or not we see Him or sense Him. (Deu.t 31: 6, 8; Josh 1:5; 1 Kings 8:57). That's truth. That's not a theory, or a guess; it's TRUTH.

Secondly, it's perfectly ok to be angry with God. It's perfectly ok to be emotional with God.

Just whatever you do, don't close the communication with God. Even if all you say is, "God...I can't deal with You right now; I'm too angry, " then just say that. Don't let a communication barrier form with you and the Creator of all.

Yesterday morning, during worship at our church, I was experiencing some spiritual attacks. My mind was racing with all the reasons I didn't want to be in our church, and why I didn't want to be anywhere near this or that situation, and what has happened over the last two years.

I felt/feel completely and totally lost, abandoned, alone, and (the word that stuck out to me most) exposed.

I felt/feel as though God refused to protect me from the things I've experienced. I've had people gossip about me behind my back, turn their back on me when I went to them for prayer (literally), I've had people purposefully exclude me from activities, throw my past in my face despite the fact I'd repented and received forgiveness for it, among many other situations.

And I blamed/blame God. He brought me to this church. He wanted me to become involved. He wanted me to open my heart to these people only to have it trampled on and have people tell me that it will never work, and to have all support withdrawn!

Why God?! To show me that i was naive?! To help me to "grow up"? Where are You in this??

Before I go on any further, I will say this: He has given me some good and fruitful relationships at this place; but, yet, I still dread going every Sunday. For those who are real friends, Thank you. I plan on telling each of you what you mean to me and how you've shown Christ to me when I thought He was absent from my life. But each of you have. Wes and Margaret, Doris, Ellen, Kathie, and several others; you've really reached out to me...thank you!

I've experienced community in its truest form. I've been apart of home fellowship at the purest of times. It is in those times I've grown closest to God more than any other time. It is one of the healthiest form of growth.

Yet, over the last two years, I've wanted NOTHING to do with community. I didn't want to go to anyone's house and fellowship. A fellowship meal is more a burden to me than a joy. It makes me very sad to see the difference in healthy fellowship and unhealthy fellowship. It's always obvious when two people or families don't get along, and yet, they attend the same fellowship dinner, and are forced to be civil; yes...it's awkward.

I was ready to leave and go back to my old church over it. But I've been struggling over it because I knew God called me here for a reason, even though I have yet to see it.

God broke through the noise yesterday morning, and told me I was called here. And for the first time in two years, I didn't take a deep breath and say, fine...whatever, God. I said, "God...I'm SO angry with You!"

Tears flowed as they haven't in many many months...

The communication opened back up, and I was able to tell Him why I've been so angry with him.

The feelings...they're still there. It will take time for those to go away. But, it's the first step that's always the hardest...and I've taken it.

God, I'm no longer convincing myself to believe it when I say You are good. I now can proclaim that it's not only truth, but true in my life too. Thank You, Lord, for giving me time, and not letting me go.

Unspeakable. Lord, no words can define how I'm feeling now, but i love You!

God provides...

this week has been a crazy week! we've had funerals, and viewings, and i've had things to do to get ready for baby, when he decides to grace us with his presence!

Made an appt to meet a pediatrician, to get pre-registered at the hospital, lots and lots of doctors appts.

as well as getting registered for baby stuff!

it only took me 4 hours!

I went to target and JCPenney and registered there. I'm trying to stay away from the newborn things, since if i get too many, i won't use them, and i know i'll need 3-6, 6-9, and 9-12 months more!

one thing that i noticed was something similar as when i registered for wedding gifts. "what if we don't get what we need and can't afford to buy it?!"

what if we don't get a crib, or a carseat, or a stroller, or whatever...

the most expensive things always weigh heavy on my mind!

God provided for us when we got married. i mean...we got an apartment only 2 weeks after we got married, and jacob had only gotten ONE paycheck from his new job....

we actually have some money saved up now...God is good! how can i doubt his provision??

Lord, forgive me for doubting your goodness! you are our provider and we will rely heavily on you to provide. if you don't give us a house we still have a roof over our heads...

if you don't give me a new job..i'm still working..

Lord, you have provided for us in every way imaginable, and then some ways not so imaginable...

could i forget when Jacob was laid off of work for two months, we didn't know how bills were going to get paid and a mysterious envelope of money was dropped off at our front door??!!

Lord, you are good! you provide for us in every way! we believe you will not only provide for us this time, but that you will draw our son to You, and let him serve You in a way only You can dream up for him! place dreams in his mind even NOW.

use him for your kingdom, Lord. that is my hearts desire! help me to be the mom you created me to be! help Jacob to be the dad you created him to be! Lord, you are good!

Happy New Year!

We rang in the new year at a friends house, came home and was in bed and asleep by 1 am!

woke up to be at work by 9...worked all day, came home, and was in excruciating back pain.

My hip has been popping out of place, squeezing some very tender muscles. I now know what it is, and desire to fix it, but my chiropractors office is closed until the 4th. so...i wait.

in pain.

this morning, i FEEL better, but i know it's temporary because as soon as i go to work and am on my feet for longer than 5 minutes, it will start hurting all over again.

today, my husband is on his way to winchester to take medicine up to his grandfather, and visiting with him. i'm going to work, again, and looking forward to the weekend....(MY weekend). Sunday we're going to look at a few houses after church, and then monday, i have off of work. i work only tuesday next week and then am taking VACATION. i never thought the time would come! it's great! i need it after the holiday and work.

Happy new year everyone!

We're looking forward to the new year:

A baby...

Maybe a house...

and maybe a job change for me...

good stuff is happening. it's exciting!