painting pictures of Egypt

The song by Sara Groves came onto my radio leaving my best friends house after a bitter-sweet meeting with my cell leader.

The song "Painting Pictures of Egypt" describes EXACTLY how i feel right about now.

Lyrics:

"I don'ting to want to leave here
I don't want to stay,
It feels like pinch me either way.
The places I long for the most are the places where I've been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend.
It's not about losing faith,
It's not about trust,
It's all about comfortable when you move so much.
The place I was wasn't perfect but I had found a way to live.
It wasn't milk or honey but then neither is this.

I've been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what it lacked.
The future feels so hard and I want to go back.
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned
and those roads were closed off to me
while my back was turned.

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard.
I was longing for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go,
I am caught between the promise and the things I know.

I've been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what it lacked.
The future feels so hard and I want to go back.
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned.

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand.

If it comes too quick,
I may not appreciate it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand."

I never really heard this song...i mean...i've owned the CD for YEARS! and i thought the song was pretty...

but i've never really connected to the song. it's one of those songs that i listen to 10 years later and finally "CLICK".

I loved Cornerstone. it had/has its faults. but i loved it. even today, i was thinking about going back. i debated what would happen with Jacob and I if we went to separate churches.

i have serious doubts about bringing a baby into this current church.

when we announced our pregnancy, people who haven't spoken to me in two months were coming up and congratulating me. People who haven't spoken to me in six months were ignoring me and walking up to Jacob congratulating him.

I don't want to have a baby just to be considered apart of this church. And if those "certain" people think they can get near my baby just because they cherish JACOB as a member of that body, but completely ignore me....they are sadly mistaken.

I KNOW Jacob is special. I wouldn't have given him a second thought if I didn't think he was special, let alone marry the man. But, at a church, where one person is special....ALL are supposed to be special. I'm not special just because i'm connected to Jacob. that's ridiculous. I'm special because i'm a member of the family of God.

I know I've looked back too much at my old church, "painting pictures." I know that's wrong. BUT...when the future looks as scary as the present, it's near impossible to go forward, without wanting to run away.

The past is sooooo tangible. I can almost taste it. It was good. I grew so much. MUCH more than in the last two years even.

Yet, even the roads to my past are closed off to me.....while my back was turned. Cornerstone is a much different place now. Pastor Tim has left. My cell leader is stepping down. The familiar faces have disappeared. The few that remain are different than when I was there. maybe that's not a bad thing, but it's hard to go back to something that's completely different than you remember.

Lord, take my pictures. take me. take this church. transform it. mold it to be something that glorifies you. Let us radiate You. You know we have problems growing. let the problem not be that we don't shine You everyday. transform us to be more and more like you. give me wisdom. be with me. every sunday. I NEED You. More than water, more than life itself...i NEED You.