back to the grind...

She stood there- Alone.

Hm- she thought cynically. There's that word again.

She has experienced a lot of that word--Alone.

As she thought back through the last year, the move from Paris, to the end of her relationships here, to losing her job - and her father (the only family she has ever known), she picked up the razor and touched it to her skin. The cold blade pressed down on her skin as the warm water ran off of her body.

"Tempting," she found herself saying out loud with a heavy chuckle. She pulled the razor up her calve as tears ran down her face, getting lost in the shower water.

OK guys. thanks for reading.

when i was younger, i always wanted to be a writer of some sorts. i LOVED writing short stories (longer than this little....THING), and when i was introduced to Jesus, i wanted to write things that glorified Him.

yet, a few years ago, i lost it. amibition, drive, creativity, you name it and i lost it. my short stories and notes i had went to a folder i have yet to find, but they stayed hidden for close to 5 years now.

so this morning when i started getting these phrases in my head, i HAD to put them on paper, and they started forming a story.

not a pleasant one, but one none the less.

for example, reading the above paragraphs make you scared, and saddened, right? they should! there are many people out there hurting in this manner, where they are tempted and follow through with self afflicted wounds, and who ARE alone.

who are we to them? are we companionship? are we love? are we listeners? are we pray-ers? what do we do for them? do we wrap our arms around them? do we give them hope?

now, this little snippet of words is no where near my best, and my ideal. it's the first thing i've written in 5 years!! i'm not expecting the Illiad and i hope you're not either!

also, this is NOT based on any particular person. Paris came from watching too much Gilmore Girls.

all this means is i'm more motivated...maybe....who knows? ;-)

i wish i could not be sick anymore...

So...

today at work, i worked for maybe 5 minutes, before having to sit down before i passed out. this hasn't happened in several years, but i basically knew how to handle myself when this DOES happen, however, b/c i was at work, i tried to push myself and pushed myself too hard.

i sat down on the floor of the cafe, which, no, isn't the ideal place to rest, but when i had cold sweats, it felt good. from where i was sitting, i crawled over to the phone to page Kris, the manager on duty. she came up, and i said, "i feel like i'm going to pass out." she told me to put my head between my legs and to sit still. i did for about 5 minutes, then crawled over to the trash can to get sick. now, i haven't done that in YEARS! i, in fact, never throw up. i can't even remember the last time i threw up....but today, was a first.

i sat there a few minutes, and couldn't stop. it was not fun. Kris came over, and she got me some crackers and water, and that helped a bit. i attempted to stand up to go to the bathroom, and that wasn't fun...had some trouble walking...but made it without hurting myself.

earlier this week, i battled a cold, with a runny nose, drainage, the whole nine yards....

two weeks ago, i had strep throat.

i am SO ready NOT to be sick anymore.

first of all: Heather, we are praying for Brandt, and his recovery. know this: i truly think you will be rewarded for your patient endurance and so will Brandt.

secondly: I am NOT pregnant. i am SURE Kris will ask me, but i am NOT. it was NOT morning sickness (Mother nature confirmed that tonight).....

meanwhile, this weekend, we are headed up to PA to see Jacob's cousin Katie's high school graduation party. we will be missing out on the actual graduation, as that is happening tonight, but we will be there for the party.

and in a few more weeks, we will be celebrating our one year anniversary. i hope and PRAY that i will NOT be sick for that! i want to ENJOY it more than i did our wedding day....

anyway, we will be praying for all who are sick...if you could pray for us! :o)

the first year

June 1st.

hard to believe, that in 27 days, we will have been married for 1 year.

1 year ago, at this time, i don't know if i can say exactly what i was doing. probably trying to avoid wedding planning. i can't understand why people do it for a living. my experience was less than desirable. the only thing i can say is this: Praise Jesus it's only once!

if i were to go back and go through it again (PLEASE, LORD! NO!), i would have done a LOT of things differently.

obviously, the 1 bridesmaid who didn't partake in anything, would be removed.

the two that talked about me behind my back would be different people.

and the one who did everything for me, would be held in higher honor.

and the one thing that i wished SOMEONE would've told me:

"The first year of marriage is the loneliest."

would i have listened?

Probably not. but i would've been fore-warned.

would i have cared?

Not too much. my thinking was: my friends will always be there for me!

yes, a few have stuck around. some have disappeared, and others are coming out of the woodworks, while others are running into the woodworks!

but i was naive. to say the least.

when i got married, i was very far from God. went to church for the main reason i knew if i didn't i would probably disappoint Jacob, and because i knew if i didn't, there would be no turning around. i still feared God. i just didn't care what He had to say about anything.

6 months later, i tried to turn my life around on my own. but that didn't work. i could say positive things. i could do good things, but that wouldn't mean anything if Christ wasn't behind it...and He wasn't.

4 months ago, Jesus finally grabbed ahold of me again. am i where i want to be?

NO.

am i happy where i am?

a little more-so.

am i still lonely?

yep.

do i have friends that love me?

yep.

does that really matter?

nope.


"only for the lonely, o Lord, i find that you are drawing me closer to this vine."