three months...

I can't believe three months have passed by.

watching my little baby...


grow up so fast...



right before my very eyes...

breaking heart

A few years ago, the christmas before Jacob and I got married, my older brother who is bipoloar and an alcoholic, came into my room, grabbed me by the arms and threw me around. I stuck my heel (i was wearing high heeled boots at the time) in his face to prevent him from coming any closer.

I moved out, feeling unsafe in my own home, temporarily.

After we got married and moved into our own apartment, my dad told me they took my brother to the doctor and got him on medication to help with his bipolar.

I'm not one necessarily for medicating, but when it's necessary. and for him, it's necessary.

Things turned around! DRASTICALLY. he not only helped mom and dad around the house, he called and congratulated me on my baby; he played with my niece and nephew; he talked to me and jacob like we were human and not the next one down on the food chain (like he did before- to me).

i knew it was only a matter of time. Bipolar has a way of messing with the victim. just when they think they are doing well, they stop taking the medication. then they spiral downward, fast and hard. i've seen this and heard of this happening so much, there is an actual section in one of my psychology books all about this.

and that's EXACTLY what happened. This time, though, he attacked my little brother. Ran after him, and started choking him.

In talking with my mother, i learned that he felt much the same way i did.

part of me is thankful...my family called me a drama queen. they didn't believe me when i told them what happened. now i know i have a tendency to over-react, but i have never felt so alone as that moment. it's no excuse, but this lead to a down-ward spiral for me. i went into a deep dark place, far away from my Savior.

I feel very broken for my family right now. My older brother is staying in a hotel (which he can't afford, so it's only time until he's thrown out of there). my family is on pins and needles not knowing if he's coming back, and what he will do when he does. my mom is scared not knowing whether or not he's even going to come back.

my heart is breaking for them. it's breaking for that which I feel God designed for it to. my heart is breaking over broken marriages that i've been seeing all over facebook and in the church and in my "sphere of influence". it's breaking for those who are loyal and get taken advantage of. it's breaking for the family members who used to be close friends, and now refuse to even call unless they need money or a ride to work or something else. my heart is breaking over my son, who i sooo desire to grow up to be a man of God, and have a stronger relationship than the one i have. and finally, my heart is breaking over the relationship i have with God right now, knowing i have been soo unfaithful and unresponsive to my Savior. i have done the very thing i said i never would do...abandoned my faith. God is so good, yet i am so evil. and yet, He has already forgiven me. because i ask. i always say, "tomorrow, i'll read my Bible and really start all over." and i fail. i ALWAYS say it and i ALWAYS fail. it's not been a priority. Pray for me. Pray that it becomes my priority. that's been my prayer...pray with me; agree with me. God is good.