three months...

I can't believe three months have passed by.

watching my little baby...


grow up so fast...



right before my very eyes...

breaking heart

A few years ago, the christmas before Jacob and I got married, my older brother who is bipoloar and an alcoholic, came into my room, grabbed me by the arms and threw me around. I stuck my heel (i was wearing high heeled boots at the time) in his face to prevent him from coming any closer.

I moved out, feeling unsafe in my own home, temporarily.

After we got married and moved into our own apartment, my dad told me they took my brother to the doctor and got him on medication to help with his bipolar.

I'm not one necessarily for medicating, but when it's necessary. and for him, it's necessary.

Things turned around! DRASTICALLY. he not only helped mom and dad around the house, he called and congratulated me on my baby; he played with my niece and nephew; he talked to me and jacob like we were human and not the next one down on the food chain (like he did before- to me).

i knew it was only a matter of time. Bipolar has a way of messing with the victim. just when they think they are doing well, they stop taking the medication. then they spiral downward, fast and hard. i've seen this and heard of this happening so much, there is an actual section in one of my psychology books all about this.

and that's EXACTLY what happened. This time, though, he attacked my little brother. Ran after him, and started choking him.

In talking with my mother, i learned that he felt much the same way i did.

part of me is thankful...my family called me a drama queen. they didn't believe me when i told them what happened. now i know i have a tendency to over-react, but i have never felt so alone as that moment. it's no excuse, but this lead to a down-ward spiral for me. i went into a deep dark place, far away from my Savior.

I feel very broken for my family right now. My older brother is staying in a hotel (which he can't afford, so it's only time until he's thrown out of there). my family is on pins and needles not knowing if he's coming back, and what he will do when he does. my mom is scared not knowing whether or not he's even going to come back.

my heart is breaking for them. it's breaking for that which I feel God designed for it to. my heart is breaking over broken marriages that i've been seeing all over facebook and in the church and in my "sphere of influence". it's breaking for those who are loyal and get taken advantage of. it's breaking for the family members who used to be close friends, and now refuse to even call unless they need money or a ride to work or something else. my heart is breaking over my son, who i sooo desire to grow up to be a man of God, and have a stronger relationship than the one i have. and finally, my heart is breaking over the relationship i have with God right now, knowing i have been soo unfaithful and unresponsive to my Savior. i have done the very thing i said i never would do...abandoned my faith. God is so good, yet i am so evil. and yet, He has already forgiven me. because i ask. i always say, "tomorrow, i'll read my Bible and really start all over." and i fail. i ALWAYS say it and i ALWAYS fail. it's not been a priority. Pray for me. Pray that it becomes my priority. that's been my prayer...pray with me; agree with me. God is good.

catching up

So, to catch up...my last blog portrayed the second most important day of my life.

the first being my wedding day.

now, most people (christians) would say, "what about when you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?? what about that day??"

well...it wasn't a day.

the day i "invited" him to be a part of my life, i wasn't sincere. i went home...and wasn't sure what i was going to do about that experience...

so, i did nothing.

several months later, i decided to be serious about it, and made the changes necessary.

so...it wasn't a day. it was a year. and if anything, it's been my lifetime. and it will probably always be my lifetime. I'm constantly being challenged; transformed; molded; tested; blessed.

and isn't that the way it's supposed to be??

meanwhile...

Matthew is sleeping peacefully in his bassinet, having just eaten his fill.

I decided to attempt to grab a few moments on here, while eating my breakfast, so i can update those that read my scribbles and rantings on what's been going on...

Matthew is doing well...

he isn't sleeping through the night, but he's doing his best. he did really well last night; woke up only for feedings and went back to sleep in a timely manner! made mommy VERY happy!

he's getting big! he's put on over a whole pound since his birth day!

my baby boy is getting big!

Joy unspeakable.

March 28th, we had a baby shower at my wonderful mother in laws. it was so much fun, as exhausted as i was and as "miserable" as i was. I was in a lot of pain. Baby had dropped, and was putting pressure on areas i didn't even know existed. After the baby shower, i took a detour to my sisters house to see my niece's TV debut: America's Funniest Home Videos!

Midnight: Jacob gets home from watching Wrestlemania at his Dad's house.

12:30 AM: We make it to bed. I had tried earlier to sleep, but was unsuccessful. I had Jacob rub my back for a bit before we went to bed, and that seemed to help some.

1:30 AM: my usual trip up to the bathroom. This was followed by some very mild discomfort, which i attributed to my unusual belly size and placement...I go back to bed and attempt to sleep.

2 AM: after experiencing some contractions that were increasing in intensity, i decided to attempt fate and see if they were real. I came out to the living room, where Jacob had brought in all of our things from the shower, and started going through it. I had had Braxton Hicks earlier on Sunday morning, but as soon as i stood up, they stopped. I had just come from my sisters where i told her and my mom: "I'm tired of having these fake ones...i want the real ones!"

2:30 AM: after successfully making a huge mess out of everything in our living room, bending down is no longer an option. i sit at the computer on my exercise ball, hoping to see if that either a) stops the contractions and helps with my back pain; or b) helps the contractions keep going.

2:45 AM: i decide to attempt to time contractions myself. I still had not gone to get Jacob up, b/c in my mind, i didn't want to wake him up for false contractions, only to have him go back to bed to get 2 hours of sleep for work.

3 AM: I tell myself: If i have another contraction in the next 10 minutes, i'll go and get Jacob up.

3:04 AM: i contract.

3:10 AM: I'm pulling myself off the floor and walking awkwardly to the bedroom. i stand at the door debating on what i'm going to say...

3:15 AM: Attempt number one to get Jacob up. His response: "I'll be out there in a minute."

3:30 AM: i'm still at the computer, attempting to time contractions by myself. I see they're roughly 7-9 minutes apart, but i can't tell if that's when the contraction started or when i looked at the watch...

3:45 AM: Attempt number 2 to get jacob up. His response: see above.

4 AM: Steam is coming out of my ears.

4:15 AM: my last attempt to get jacob out of bed was not only successful, but very rewarding.

5 AM: i feel a little silly, but Jacob looks over a list of the previous 45 minutes and concludes that the contractions are about 5-7 minutes apart, although they are not exactly steady. some were 5 minutes, some were 7; a couple were 2 or 3; and one was 10.

5:30 AM: we call my mom to ask for some advice. she says that she's getting ready for work, and to go on in to the hospital. "worst case scenario: they examine you and tell you to go back home."

6 AM: we're walking into the ER. I get put into a wheelchair (one of the funky looking ones, not the real ones), and they wheel me up to Family Birth place.

6:30 AM: after answering questions, the nurses go and ask the OB on call whether i stay or go...

7 AM: I stay. they start administering antibiotics as per my last test.

8 AM: they examine and see i'm dialated 3 cm and 80% effaced. I was surprisingly happy to hear that, since i didn't know if i was dialated AT ALL.

10 AM: another exam finds i'm fully effaced and 5 cm dialated. I call my best friend to wish her a happy birthday and ask if she minds sharing it. she doesn't!

12 Noon: STILL only 5 cm dialated. water still had not broken. Dr. wants to wait to break water but decides to start pitocin to get the contractions to be more regular. up until now: contractions were still very sporadic, and still only 5-7 minutes apart.

2 PM: starting to enter into "Active Labor". They up the anty on pitocin, and contractions go from 5-7 to almost 2-3. they lower the pitocin, and the contractions settle at 3-5.

2:30PM: i receive my only pain relief: an IV of some drug that i can't pronounce much less spell. it is designed to "take the edge off" and it only lasts 30 minutes. My mom and the nurse joke its my "martini".

3 PM: Round two of cocktail hour. I actually get to nap between contractions, which is probably the BEST part about my delivery...

3:50 PM: i feel an immense pressure...almost to start pushing....

4 PM: Dr. comes in: 10 cm dialated! "PRAISE GOD!" i shout. i had been praying for the last hour to get there...inbetween cocktails....lol...

4:05 PM: Dr. breaks my water. i push.

4:39 PM: Matthew Levi Dobscha comes crying into the room: weighing an astonishing 6 pounds and 15 ounces, 19.5 inches long.

I hear Dr. say, "bring me more sutres." at least twice. not a good sign.

i get lots of happy pain relief.

and only the most precious face ever. staring at me. even when he's crying, i'm overwhelmed with love.

Beautiful!

36 weeks

For being (almost) 36 weeks pregnant, I feel really good. I picked up a head cold from my dear mama, but other than that, I'm feeling really good! And if this is the ONLY sickness I've had all pregnancy (aside from morning sickness), I'm doing really well!!

The weather has turned warmer (Thank God!). I never really considered myself to become depressed during different seasons, but I think I was starting to. I hated having to cancel all my fun plans due to snow. I hated having to worry about getting to work because the roads were covered with snow.

But! It's over...for now! YAY!

I'm rejoicing today with the front door open, the heater is off...and I'm considering opening the windows...

On other news...

My grandmother and I went to Target this morning to get my stroller.

They didn't have it in the store. They said they "should" get it in, but are unsure if/when it will come in. They suggested going to Charlottesville......so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to Charlottesville and get the one I really want...from Babies R Us. :o)

What is funny is that this is only the 10th time it has happened...

My crib, maybe twice. My changing table, twice; stroller, twice; carseat, three times; rocking chair, twice!

ish.

The last few months have gone something along those lines.

::sigh::

I can't help BUT laugh every time I hear something I registered for is going to be discontinued or something...

But it's been a good morning despite that! My grandmother and I walked around target while she did her shopping, and she had my niece with her b/c she wasn't feeling well, so I got to see her for a little bit today.

LOVE LOVE LOVE the spring like weather!

Baby Update!

I suppose it's been a while since I posted any updates on baby and our progress....

So:

As of last Friday, I was 34 weeks. The doctor says he's looking a little big and could come early, but at my next appointment we'll do another ultrasound to figure out his size and everything.

The nursery is coming along! My mom and I went to Charlottesville to get a crib from Babies R Us, but they didn't have any in stock that we liked, so we drove to Richmond. On our way to Babies R Us, we stopped at Target thinking they would have more than what we have here. Sure enough, there was a Graco crib that I hadn't seen at the Target in Harrisonburg. We bought it and came home! Later we went to the Target in town to get the mattress, and sure enough, there was the crib!

Jacob and his mom worked hard on cleaning out the nursery and making room for the crib, and it looks amazing! There was so much junk in there that I wasn't sure what it was going to look like, but it looks great!

I'm still working, and will probably work right up until he comes. I'm debating on taking a vacation week the week of my due date, if he hasn't come by then, just to give me some extra time, but I'm not going to be getting paid maternity leave anymore. It's disappointing, because of all the work I did to try to make sure I got it, but it happens, and there's nothing I can do about it now. And I'm not going to wear myself out trying to get my hours up to where they need to be to get maternity pay. I can barely do all the hours I'm doing now, and the housework, so, working 40 hours the next several weeks is out of the question.

At the appointment today, the doctor came in and said everything looks fine!

"by the sweat of your brow"

Jacob and i work hard. we work hard to save up for a house, and, as we were talking last night, our new goal insight is for our 5 year anniversary: going on a cruise to either one of two places: Europe or the Caribbean.

Honestly, if one of us didn't work (as what happened last year at this time), we would very quickly get bored...out of our minds! We enjoy getting out of the house, and seeing people, meeting people and helping people through our jobs.

not only do we get a sense of reward, but satisfaction after a long, hard day, when we know we completed our tasks to the best of our ability. We experience frustration when we know we could have done better, or were prevented from whatever situation from doing our best.

do we always enjoy our job? no. do we always want to go to work? no. there are some days when we go in simply for the paycheck. those days are the hardest.

however, we also gain a lot of satisfaction when we don't have to go to family members every month asking for help for rent, or for groceries, or for gas money. it's also hard to not to gain a little bit of pride when family members come to us for the same thing...

but, i digress....

the last several months, we've had several family members come to us and tell us we need to sign up for government assistance. if it were a year ago, i'd consider it, because especially not knowing when Jacob would find a job again, it probably would've been helpful.

however, i've looked it up. we make too much for WIC. after talking with one of my sisters in law, she was concerned that if her husband got a job, their gov't assistance would decrease. I tried telling her, yes...but with a job, he could make more than what the gov't is giving him. they could save up for a car, a house, or a vacation.

i know what these well-intentioned family members are trying to do: help us come up with solutions so that i could stay home with our son.

yes...that would be ideal. but i also want our son to have the best of both worlds...and right now, that's exactly what he's going to have. i have a job where i can work 2o hours a week and we'd be financially fine! and still be able to put money in our savings! but i will still be home with him lots and lots!

will it be hard leaving him? HECK yes. but, i want our son to have the experiences i had growing up, and then some. my parents owned their own home, and while yes...at times money was scarce, my parents worked hard, and got ahead. now, they are more financially free than the majority of the country.

the meaning of this blog....

why settle for a handout, when you could be the one helping those who really need it?