painting pictures of Egypt

The song by Sara Groves came onto my radio leaving my best friends house after a bitter-sweet meeting with my cell leader.

The song "Painting Pictures of Egypt" describes EXACTLY how i feel right about now.

Lyrics:

"I don'ting to want to leave here
I don't want to stay,
It feels like pinch me either way.
The places I long for the most are the places where I've been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend.
It's not about losing faith,
It's not about trust,
It's all about comfortable when you move so much.
The place I was wasn't perfect but I had found a way to live.
It wasn't milk or honey but then neither is this.

I've been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what it lacked.
The future feels so hard and I want to go back.
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned
and those roads were closed off to me
while my back was turned.

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard.
I was longing for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go,
I am caught between the promise and the things I know.

I've been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what it lacked.
The future feels so hard and I want to go back.
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned.

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand.

If it comes too quick,
I may not appreciate it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand."

I never really heard this song...i mean...i've owned the CD for YEARS! and i thought the song was pretty...

but i've never really connected to the song. it's one of those songs that i listen to 10 years later and finally "CLICK".

I loved Cornerstone. it had/has its faults. but i loved it. even today, i was thinking about going back. i debated what would happen with Jacob and I if we went to separate churches.

i have serious doubts about bringing a baby into this current church.

when we announced our pregnancy, people who haven't spoken to me in two months were coming up and congratulating me. People who haven't spoken to me in six months were ignoring me and walking up to Jacob congratulating him.

I don't want to have a baby just to be considered apart of this church. And if those "certain" people think they can get near my baby just because they cherish JACOB as a member of that body, but completely ignore me....they are sadly mistaken.

I KNOW Jacob is special. I wouldn't have given him a second thought if I didn't think he was special, let alone marry the man. But, at a church, where one person is special....ALL are supposed to be special. I'm not special just because i'm connected to Jacob. that's ridiculous. I'm special because i'm a member of the family of God.

I know I've looked back too much at my old church, "painting pictures." I know that's wrong. BUT...when the future looks as scary as the present, it's near impossible to go forward, without wanting to run away.

The past is sooooo tangible. I can almost taste it. It was good. I grew so much. MUCH more than in the last two years even.

Yet, even the roads to my past are closed off to me.....while my back was turned. Cornerstone is a much different place now. Pastor Tim has left. My cell leader is stepping down. The familiar faces have disappeared. The few that remain are different than when I was there. maybe that's not a bad thing, but it's hard to go back to something that's completely different than you remember.

Lord, take my pictures. take me. take this church. transform it. mold it to be something that glorifies you. Let us radiate You. You know we have problems growing. let the problem not be that we don't shine You everyday. transform us to be more and more like you. give me wisdom. be with me. every sunday. I NEED You. More than water, more than life itself...i NEED You.

Annnnnndddddddddd, We're off!

just got an email from jacob about all our weekends in september...

between that email and birthday weekends, i BETTER get the apartment cleaned because this is probably going to be my last opportunity to clean.....

annoying parts of being pregnant...

*Constantly being asked, "any weird cravings, yet?" if i have, what's it to you, and if i haven't, why are you so surprised?

*"What names are you looking at?" If we wanted you to know, we would've told you.

*people dismissing my morning sickness. if i can't stand upright...i may not be able to just "get over it."

*being "fat" not quite "pregnant" yet...

Every day is a revolution

ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JAH_V3gb5c

Brad Paisley has a new song out. I couldn't remember what it was called, so I had to do some digging.

It's called "Welcome to the Future."

It's full of irony (Brad Paisley style), and it's full of wisdom (Brad Paisley style).

There's a line in this song that says, "Everyday is a revolution."

Embrace it. Everyday is a revolution.

Are we ready?

Today is a revolution...if you let it..

long time...new news...

Many of you have heard, and if not, then you will hear now:

Jacob and I are expecting a baby in April 2010!

We are GREATLY excited.

I fight a little morning sickness just about everyday and purely exhausted 99.9% of the time. Other than that, I'm feeling fine!

We're about 7 weeks along; we've heard the heartbeat, and baby sounds healthy!!

I have been spending a lot of time wondering what kind of parents we will be...

Will I be stressed, like my mom? Or distant, guilt-ridden like my dad?

I know that Jacob will be a good dad. I'm not worried about him at all. But I do wonder if we will meet the needs of our children. How do we instill the Word of God in this being without pushing him or her away from Father God? Will we give each child the right amount of attention to avoid "middle-child-syndrome"?

Lord, You are good. I submit myself to You, asking You to shape me into the woman of God You desire for me to be... Help me to be the mother You desire for my children to see. Shape my character so that You are all they see. Show me Your ways.

back to the grind...

She stood there- Alone.

Hm- she thought cynically. There's that word again.

She has experienced a lot of that word--Alone.

As she thought back through the last year, the move from Paris, to the end of her relationships here, to losing her job - and her father (the only family she has ever known), she picked up the razor and touched it to her skin. The cold blade pressed down on her skin as the warm water ran off of her body.

"Tempting," she found herself saying out loud with a heavy chuckle. She pulled the razor up her calve as tears ran down her face, getting lost in the shower water.

OK guys. thanks for reading.

when i was younger, i always wanted to be a writer of some sorts. i LOVED writing short stories (longer than this little....THING), and when i was introduced to Jesus, i wanted to write things that glorified Him.

yet, a few years ago, i lost it. amibition, drive, creativity, you name it and i lost it. my short stories and notes i had went to a folder i have yet to find, but they stayed hidden for close to 5 years now.

so this morning when i started getting these phrases in my head, i HAD to put them on paper, and they started forming a story.

not a pleasant one, but one none the less.

for example, reading the above paragraphs make you scared, and saddened, right? they should! there are many people out there hurting in this manner, where they are tempted and follow through with self afflicted wounds, and who ARE alone.

who are we to them? are we companionship? are we love? are we listeners? are we pray-ers? what do we do for them? do we wrap our arms around them? do we give them hope?

now, this little snippet of words is no where near my best, and my ideal. it's the first thing i've written in 5 years!! i'm not expecting the Illiad and i hope you're not either!

also, this is NOT based on any particular person. Paris came from watching too much Gilmore Girls.

all this means is i'm more motivated...maybe....who knows? ;-)

i wish i could not be sick anymore...

So...

today at work, i worked for maybe 5 minutes, before having to sit down before i passed out. this hasn't happened in several years, but i basically knew how to handle myself when this DOES happen, however, b/c i was at work, i tried to push myself and pushed myself too hard.

i sat down on the floor of the cafe, which, no, isn't the ideal place to rest, but when i had cold sweats, it felt good. from where i was sitting, i crawled over to the phone to page Kris, the manager on duty. she came up, and i said, "i feel like i'm going to pass out." she told me to put my head between my legs and to sit still. i did for about 5 minutes, then crawled over to the trash can to get sick. now, i haven't done that in YEARS! i, in fact, never throw up. i can't even remember the last time i threw up....but today, was a first.

i sat there a few minutes, and couldn't stop. it was not fun. Kris came over, and she got me some crackers and water, and that helped a bit. i attempted to stand up to go to the bathroom, and that wasn't fun...had some trouble walking...but made it without hurting myself.

earlier this week, i battled a cold, with a runny nose, drainage, the whole nine yards....

two weeks ago, i had strep throat.

i am SO ready NOT to be sick anymore.

first of all: Heather, we are praying for Brandt, and his recovery. know this: i truly think you will be rewarded for your patient endurance and so will Brandt.

secondly: I am NOT pregnant. i am SURE Kris will ask me, but i am NOT. it was NOT morning sickness (Mother nature confirmed that tonight).....

meanwhile, this weekend, we are headed up to PA to see Jacob's cousin Katie's high school graduation party. we will be missing out on the actual graduation, as that is happening tonight, but we will be there for the party.

and in a few more weeks, we will be celebrating our one year anniversary. i hope and PRAY that i will NOT be sick for that! i want to ENJOY it more than i did our wedding day....

anyway, we will be praying for all who are sick...if you could pray for us! :o)