christians make the worst customers...

I was talking with Jacob on my way home from my short little 3.5 hour shift at work. we chatted about little stuff and then jacob asked me, "How was your day at work?"

my response: "christians are the worst customers."

the worse part about knowing who is a "christian" is seeing what they are buying and then thinking, "wow. you could really use that Bible right about now."

Jacob said with all the stories i have regarding this subject, i could write a book.

but honestly, it'd be short. it really breaks my heart to see people, Bible in hand, ripping into a cashier, or a server at a restaurant. The ONE time i saw a "godly" man speak to a server at Applebees in an ungodly way, i no longer have any sort of interest in seeing this man speak or hear what he has to say.

i understand we are all human, and we are very impatient beings. but if you get impatient with someone who is trying to HELP you, APOLOGIZE. THAT, my friends, is what sets you apart.

PS. 4:3 "Know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself."

Matthew 7:2 "do to others the way you would have them do to you."

I don't really post a whole lot about this because i feel like i'm judging. but, really. when i feel like crap after you walk away, are you really showing Jesus to those who may not see Him? or are you leaving someone with the bad taste about what christianity is really like?

think twice before you start putting someone down. and if you are just tired of being pressured about this membership card or that promotion or this or that...just remember: we are doing our jobs. if i don't ask you a bazillion questions, i could lose my job.

creativity

ok...so, i just want to say thank you to all the people that follow my blog on a semi-regular basis.

and i also want to apologize. i started this blog b/c i really thought i had some creative juices to get flowing and thought, well..if no one sees this, then thats fine. this will be just for me.

but then, people started reading. and commenting. and giving advice. and...other things.

so i started censuring what i wrote. then i stopped writing.

wow. sounds all too familiar. i used to write. a LOT. i have journals from forever ago where i would write stories (short ones...) and where i would just write to write. but time got away from me, and then before i knew it, i was believing the lie that i had nothing worth writing.

even now. i don't have any witty commentary. i'm not a photographer...my camera doesn't even really work, so pics are hard to come by. and time is of the essence. for example. the thought going through my mind right now: laundry. food. food for baby shower. work. when am i going to make food for baby shower between work? baby. baby is sleeping. ::gets up to go check on baby:: he's so cute. can't wait to get his pics back...pics..money...need more money...gotta go to work...work...time with family...work nights...man, i work friday night. how am i going to make this food for the baby shower when i work friday night?!

when do i have time (in my mind) to sit down and write a witty commentary on anything?

[and for my husband who is probably reading this: the above thoughts are only 60 seconds of actual thinking.]

i am who i am. i'm not very creative. if anything, i'm lazy. yep. there it is. i am lazy.

thought i post quick

Work is calling, so this is going to be a quick post.

we are one month away from beach vacation, 3 weeks away from matthew turning 5 months old, and about 18 years away from getting a good nights rest.

one thing i've learned over the last few months:

take EVERYTHING and EVERYONE with a grain of salt. No matter what anyone says to you, you cannot put any weight in it.

for example: the stories i've heard from family members about someone saying horrible things about me behind my back may be completely false. where as, someone who i never would've thought, is saying things equally as bad.

to put any expectations on anyone is bad. for example: my friends who say they will show up at a certain time at a certain place...they will notoriously be late. and that's ok. or they may not show up at all. but...there is grace and understanding.

I plan on living my life with the expectations i would have for everyone else, but just for me. there is grace. people are human. they are imperfect.

although sometimes i just want to scream, "i'm tired of being so forgiving!" but, i remember...if Jesus hadn't been so forgiving...i wouldn't be here.

killing my fleshly desires, to be more like Jesus...

and to leave you with cuteness:

three months...

I can't believe three months have passed by.

watching my little baby...


grow up so fast...



right before my very eyes...

breaking heart

A few years ago, the christmas before Jacob and I got married, my older brother who is bipoloar and an alcoholic, came into my room, grabbed me by the arms and threw me around. I stuck my heel (i was wearing high heeled boots at the time) in his face to prevent him from coming any closer.

I moved out, feeling unsafe in my own home, temporarily.

After we got married and moved into our own apartment, my dad told me they took my brother to the doctor and got him on medication to help with his bipolar.

I'm not one necessarily for medicating, but when it's necessary. and for him, it's necessary.

Things turned around! DRASTICALLY. he not only helped mom and dad around the house, he called and congratulated me on my baby; he played with my niece and nephew; he talked to me and jacob like we were human and not the next one down on the food chain (like he did before- to me).

i knew it was only a matter of time. Bipolar has a way of messing with the victim. just when they think they are doing well, they stop taking the medication. then they spiral downward, fast and hard. i've seen this and heard of this happening so much, there is an actual section in one of my psychology books all about this.

and that's EXACTLY what happened. This time, though, he attacked my little brother. Ran after him, and started choking him.

In talking with my mother, i learned that he felt much the same way i did.

part of me is thankful...my family called me a drama queen. they didn't believe me when i told them what happened. now i know i have a tendency to over-react, but i have never felt so alone as that moment. it's no excuse, but this lead to a down-ward spiral for me. i went into a deep dark place, far away from my Savior.

I feel very broken for my family right now. My older brother is staying in a hotel (which he can't afford, so it's only time until he's thrown out of there). my family is on pins and needles not knowing if he's coming back, and what he will do when he does. my mom is scared not knowing whether or not he's even going to come back.

my heart is breaking for them. it's breaking for that which I feel God designed for it to. my heart is breaking over broken marriages that i've been seeing all over facebook and in the church and in my "sphere of influence". it's breaking for those who are loyal and get taken advantage of. it's breaking for the family members who used to be close friends, and now refuse to even call unless they need money or a ride to work or something else. my heart is breaking over my son, who i sooo desire to grow up to be a man of God, and have a stronger relationship than the one i have. and finally, my heart is breaking over the relationship i have with God right now, knowing i have been soo unfaithful and unresponsive to my Savior. i have done the very thing i said i never would do...abandoned my faith. God is so good, yet i am so evil. and yet, He has already forgiven me. because i ask. i always say, "tomorrow, i'll read my Bible and really start all over." and i fail. i ALWAYS say it and i ALWAYS fail. it's not been a priority. Pray for me. Pray that it becomes my priority. that's been my prayer...pray with me; agree with me. God is good.

catching up

So, to catch up...my last blog portrayed the second most important day of my life.

the first being my wedding day.

now, most people (christians) would say, "what about when you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?? what about that day??"

well...it wasn't a day.

the day i "invited" him to be a part of my life, i wasn't sincere. i went home...and wasn't sure what i was going to do about that experience...

so, i did nothing.

several months later, i decided to be serious about it, and made the changes necessary.

so...it wasn't a day. it was a year. and if anything, it's been my lifetime. and it will probably always be my lifetime. I'm constantly being challenged; transformed; molded; tested; blessed.

and isn't that the way it's supposed to be??

meanwhile...

Matthew is sleeping peacefully in his bassinet, having just eaten his fill.

I decided to attempt to grab a few moments on here, while eating my breakfast, so i can update those that read my scribbles and rantings on what's been going on...

Matthew is doing well...

he isn't sleeping through the night, but he's doing his best. he did really well last night; woke up only for feedings and went back to sleep in a timely manner! made mommy VERY happy!

he's getting big! he's put on over a whole pound since his birth day!

my baby boy is getting big!

Joy unspeakable.

March 28th, we had a baby shower at my wonderful mother in laws. it was so much fun, as exhausted as i was and as "miserable" as i was. I was in a lot of pain. Baby had dropped, and was putting pressure on areas i didn't even know existed. After the baby shower, i took a detour to my sisters house to see my niece's TV debut: America's Funniest Home Videos!

Midnight: Jacob gets home from watching Wrestlemania at his Dad's house.

12:30 AM: We make it to bed. I had tried earlier to sleep, but was unsuccessful. I had Jacob rub my back for a bit before we went to bed, and that seemed to help some.

1:30 AM: my usual trip up to the bathroom. This was followed by some very mild discomfort, which i attributed to my unusual belly size and placement...I go back to bed and attempt to sleep.

2 AM: after experiencing some contractions that were increasing in intensity, i decided to attempt fate and see if they were real. I came out to the living room, where Jacob had brought in all of our things from the shower, and started going through it. I had had Braxton Hicks earlier on Sunday morning, but as soon as i stood up, they stopped. I had just come from my sisters where i told her and my mom: "I'm tired of having these fake ones...i want the real ones!"

2:30 AM: after successfully making a huge mess out of everything in our living room, bending down is no longer an option. i sit at the computer on my exercise ball, hoping to see if that either a) stops the contractions and helps with my back pain; or b) helps the contractions keep going.

2:45 AM: i decide to attempt to time contractions myself. I still had not gone to get Jacob up, b/c in my mind, i didn't want to wake him up for false contractions, only to have him go back to bed to get 2 hours of sleep for work.

3 AM: I tell myself: If i have another contraction in the next 10 minutes, i'll go and get Jacob up.

3:04 AM: i contract.

3:10 AM: I'm pulling myself off the floor and walking awkwardly to the bedroom. i stand at the door debating on what i'm going to say...

3:15 AM: Attempt number one to get Jacob up. His response: "I'll be out there in a minute."

3:30 AM: i'm still at the computer, attempting to time contractions by myself. I see they're roughly 7-9 minutes apart, but i can't tell if that's when the contraction started or when i looked at the watch...

3:45 AM: Attempt number 2 to get jacob up. His response: see above.

4 AM: Steam is coming out of my ears.

4:15 AM: my last attempt to get jacob out of bed was not only successful, but very rewarding.

5 AM: i feel a little silly, but Jacob looks over a list of the previous 45 minutes and concludes that the contractions are about 5-7 minutes apart, although they are not exactly steady. some were 5 minutes, some were 7; a couple were 2 or 3; and one was 10.

5:30 AM: we call my mom to ask for some advice. she says that she's getting ready for work, and to go on in to the hospital. "worst case scenario: they examine you and tell you to go back home."

6 AM: we're walking into the ER. I get put into a wheelchair (one of the funky looking ones, not the real ones), and they wheel me up to Family Birth place.

6:30 AM: after answering questions, the nurses go and ask the OB on call whether i stay or go...

7 AM: I stay. they start administering antibiotics as per my last test.

8 AM: they examine and see i'm dialated 3 cm and 80% effaced. I was surprisingly happy to hear that, since i didn't know if i was dialated AT ALL.

10 AM: another exam finds i'm fully effaced and 5 cm dialated. I call my best friend to wish her a happy birthday and ask if she minds sharing it. she doesn't!

12 Noon: STILL only 5 cm dialated. water still had not broken. Dr. wants to wait to break water but decides to start pitocin to get the contractions to be more regular. up until now: contractions were still very sporadic, and still only 5-7 minutes apart.

2 PM: starting to enter into "Active Labor". They up the anty on pitocin, and contractions go from 5-7 to almost 2-3. they lower the pitocin, and the contractions settle at 3-5.

2:30PM: i receive my only pain relief: an IV of some drug that i can't pronounce much less spell. it is designed to "take the edge off" and it only lasts 30 minutes. My mom and the nurse joke its my "martini".

3 PM: Round two of cocktail hour. I actually get to nap between contractions, which is probably the BEST part about my delivery...

3:50 PM: i feel an immense pressure...almost to start pushing....

4 PM: Dr. comes in: 10 cm dialated! "PRAISE GOD!" i shout. i had been praying for the last hour to get there...inbetween cocktails....lol...

4:05 PM: Dr. breaks my water. i push.

4:39 PM: Matthew Levi Dobscha comes crying into the room: weighing an astonishing 6 pounds and 15 ounces, 19.5 inches long.

I hear Dr. say, "bring me more sutres." at least twice. not a good sign.

i get lots of happy pain relief.

and only the most precious face ever. staring at me. even when he's crying, i'm overwhelmed with love.

Beautiful!