Many of you have heard, and if not, then you will hear now:
Jacob and I are expecting a baby in April 2010!
We are GREATLY excited.
I fight a little morning sickness just about everyday and purely exhausted 99.9% of the time. Other than that, I'm feeling fine!
We're about 7 weeks along; we've heard the heartbeat, and baby sounds healthy!!
I have been spending a lot of time wondering what kind of parents we will be...
Will I be stressed, like my mom? Or distant, guilt-ridden like my dad?
I know that Jacob will be a good dad. I'm not worried about him at all. But I do wonder if we will meet the needs of our children. How do we instill the Word of God in this being without pushing him or her away from Father God? Will we give each child the right amount of attention to avoid "middle-child-syndrome"?
Lord, You are good. I submit myself to You, asking You to shape me into the woman of God You desire for me to be... Help me to be the mother You desire for my children to see. Shape my character so that You are all they see. Show me Your ways.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
back to the grind...
She stood there- Alone.
Hm- she thought cynically. There's that word again.
She has experienced a lot of that word--Alone.
As she thought back through the last year, the move from Paris, to the end of her relationships here, to losing her job - and her father (the only family she has ever known), she picked up the razor and touched it to her skin. The cold blade pressed down on her skin as the warm water ran off of her body.
"Tempting," she found herself saying out loud with a heavy chuckle. She pulled the razor up her calve as tears ran down her face, getting lost in the shower water.
OK guys. thanks for reading.
when i was younger, i always wanted to be a writer of some sorts. i LOVED writing short stories (longer than this little....THING), and when i was introduced to Jesus, i wanted to write things that glorified Him.
yet, a few years ago, i lost it. amibition, drive, creativity, you name it and i lost it. my short stories and notes i had went to a folder i have yet to find, but they stayed hidden for close to 5 years now.
so this morning when i started getting these phrases in my head, i HAD to put them on paper, and they started forming a story.
not a pleasant one, but one none the less.
for example, reading the above paragraphs make you scared, and saddened, right? they should! there are many people out there hurting in this manner, where they are tempted and follow through with self afflicted wounds, and who ARE alone.
who are we to them? are we companionship? are we love? are we listeners? are we pray-ers? what do we do for them? do we wrap our arms around them? do we give them hope?
now, this little snippet of words is no where near my best, and my ideal. it's the first thing i've written in 5 years!! i'm not expecting the Illiad and i hope you're not either!
also, this is NOT based on any particular person. Paris came from watching too much Gilmore Girls.
all this means is i'm more motivated...maybe....who knows? ;-)
Hm- she thought cynically. There's that word again.
She has experienced a lot of that word--Alone.
As she thought back through the last year, the move from Paris, to the end of her relationships here, to losing her job - and her father (the only family she has ever known), she picked up the razor and touched it to her skin. The cold blade pressed down on her skin as the warm water ran off of her body.
"Tempting," she found herself saying out loud with a heavy chuckle. She pulled the razor up her calve as tears ran down her face, getting lost in the shower water.
OK guys. thanks for reading.
when i was younger, i always wanted to be a writer of some sorts. i LOVED writing short stories (longer than this little....THING), and when i was introduced to Jesus, i wanted to write things that glorified Him.
yet, a few years ago, i lost it. amibition, drive, creativity, you name it and i lost it. my short stories and notes i had went to a folder i have yet to find, but they stayed hidden for close to 5 years now.
so this morning when i started getting these phrases in my head, i HAD to put them on paper, and they started forming a story.
not a pleasant one, but one none the less.
for example, reading the above paragraphs make you scared, and saddened, right? they should! there are many people out there hurting in this manner, where they are tempted and follow through with self afflicted wounds, and who ARE alone.
who are we to them? are we companionship? are we love? are we listeners? are we pray-ers? what do we do for them? do we wrap our arms around them? do we give them hope?
now, this little snippet of words is no where near my best, and my ideal. it's the first thing i've written in 5 years!! i'm not expecting the Illiad and i hope you're not either!
also, this is NOT based on any particular person. Paris came from watching too much Gilmore Girls.
all this means is i'm more motivated...maybe....who knows? ;-)
Friday, June 5, 2009
i wish i could not be sick anymore...
So...
today at work, i worked for maybe 5 minutes, before having to sit down before i passed out. this hasn't happened in several years, but i basically knew how to handle myself when this DOES happen, however, b/c i was at work, i tried to push myself and pushed myself too hard.
i sat down on the floor of the cafe, which, no, isn't the ideal place to rest, but when i had cold sweats, it felt good. from where i was sitting, i crawled over to the phone to page Kris, the manager on duty. she came up, and i said, "i feel like i'm going to pass out." she told me to put my head between my legs and to sit still. i did for about 5 minutes, then crawled over to the trash can to get sick. now, i haven't done that in YEARS! i, in fact, never throw up. i can't even remember the last time i threw up....but today, was a first.
i sat there a few minutes, and couldn't stop. it was not fun. Kris came over, and she got me some crackers and water, and that helped a bit. i attempted to stand up to go to the bathroom, and that wasn't fun...had some trouble walking...but made it without hurting myself.
earlier this week, i battled a cold, with a runny nose, drainage, the whole nine yards....
two weeks ago, i had strep throat.
i am SO ready NOT to be sick anymore.
first of all: Heather, we are praying for Brandt, and his recovery. know this: i truly think you will be rewarded for your patient endurance and so will Brandt.
secondly: I am NOT pregnant. i am SURE Kris will ask me, but i am NOT. it was NOT morning sickness (Mother nature confirmed that tonight).....
meanwhile, this weekend, we are headed up to PA to see Jacob's cousin Katie's high school graduation party. we will be missing out on the actual graduation, as that is happening tonight, but we will be there for the party.
and in a few more weeks, we will be celebrating our one year anniversary. i hope and PRAY that i will NOT be sick for that! i want to ENJOY it more than i did our wedding day....
anyway, we will be praying for all who are sick...if you could pray for us! :o)
today at work, i worked for maybe 5 minutes, before having to sit down before i passed out. this hasn't happened in several years, but i basically knew how to handle myself when this DOES happen, however, b/c i was at work, i tried to push myself and pushed myself too hard.
i sat down on the floor of the cafe, which, no, isn't the ideal place to rest, but when i had cold sweats, it felt good. from where i was sitting, i crawled over to the phone to page Kris, the manager on duty. she came up, and i said, "i feel like i'm going to pass out." she told me to put my head between my legs and to sit still. i did for about 5 minutes, then crawled over to the trash can to get sick. now, i haven't done that in YEARS! i, in fact, never throw up. i can't even remember the last time i threw up....but today, was a first.
i sat there a few minutes, and couldn't stop. it was not fun. Kris came over, and she got me some crackers and water, and that helped a bit. i attempted to stand up to go to the bathroom, and that wasn't fun...had some trouble walking...but made it without hurting myself.
earlier this week, i battled a cold, with a runny nose, drainage, the whole nine yards....
two weeks ago, i had strep throat.
i am SO ready NOT to be sick anymore.
first of all: Heather, we are praying for Brandt, and his recovery. know this: i truly think you will be rewarded for your patient endurance and so will Brandt.
secondly: I am NOT pregnant. i am SURE Kris will ask me, but i am NOT. it was NOT morning sickness (Mother nature confirmed that tonight).....
meanwhile, this weekend, we are headed up to PA to see Jacob's cousin Katie's high school graduation party. we will be missing out on the actual graduation, as that is happening tonight, but we will be there for the party.
and in a few more weeks, we will be celebrating our one year anniversary. i hope and PRAY that i will NOT be sick for that! i want to ENJOY it more than i did our wedding day....
anyway, we will be praying for all who are sick...if you could pray for us! :o)
Monday, June 1, 2009
the first year
June 1st.
hard to believe, that in 27 days, we will have been married for 1 year.
1 year ago, at this time, i don't know if i can say exactly what i was doing. probably trying to avoid wedding planning. i can't understand why people do it for a living. my experience was less than desirable. the only thing i can say is this: Praise Jesus it's only once!
if i were to go back and go through it again (PLEASE, LORD! NO!), i would have done a LOT of things differently.
obviously, the 1 bridesmaid who didn't partake in anything, would be removed.
the two that talked about me behind my back would be different people.
and the one who did everything for me, would be held in higher honor.
and the one thing that i wished SOMEONE would've told me:
"The first year of marriage is the loneliest."
would i have listened?
Probably not. but i would've been fore-warned.
would i have cared?
Not too much. my thinking was: my friends will always be there for me!
yes, a few have stuck around. some have disappeared, and others are coming out of the woodworks, while others are running into the woodworks!
but i was naive. to say the least.
when i got married, i was very far from God. went to church for the main reason i knew if i didn't i would probably disappoint Jacob, and because i knew if i didn't, there would be no turning around. i still feared God. i just didn't care what He had to say about anything.
6 months later, i tried to turn my life around on my own. but that didn't work. i could say positive things. i could do good things, but that wouldn't mean anything if Christ wasn't behind it...and He wasn't.
4 months ago, Jesus finally grabbed ahold of me again. am i where i want to be?
NO.
am i happy where i am?
a little more-so.
am i still lonely?
yep.
do i have friends that love me?
yep.
does that really matter?
nope.
"only for the lonely, o Lord, i find that you are drawing me closer to this vine."
hard to believe, that in 27 days, we will have been married for 1 year.
1 year ago, at this time, i don't know if i can say exactly what i was doing. probably trying to avoid wedding planning. i can't understand why people do it for a living. my experience was less than desirable. the only thing i can say is this: Praise Jesus it's only once!
if i were to go back and go through it again (PLEASE, LORD! NO!), i would have done a LOT of things differently.
obviously, the 1 bridesmaid who didn't partake in anything, would be removed.
the two that talked about me behind my back would be different people.
and the one who did everything for me, would be held in higher honor.
and the one thing that i wished SOMEONE would've told me:
"The first year of marriage is the loneliest."
would i have listened?
Probably not. but i would've been fore-warned.
would i have cared?
Not too much. my thinking was: my friends will always be there for me!
yes, a few have stuck around. some have disappeared, and others are coming out of the woodworks, while others are running into the woodworks!
but i was naive. to say the least.
when i got married, i was very far from God. went to church for the main reason i knew if i didn't i would probably disappoint Jacob, and because i knew if i didn't, there would be no turning around. i still feared God. i just didn't care what He had to say about anything.
6 months later, i tried to turn my life around on my own. but that didn't work. i could say positive things. i could do good things, but that wouldn't mean anything if Christ wasn't behind it...and He wasn't.
4 months ago, Jesus finally grabbed ahold of me again. am i where i want to be?
NO.
am i happy where i am?
a little more-so.
am i still lonely?
yep.
do i have friends that love me?
yep.
does that really matter?
nope.
"only for the lonely, o Lord, i find that you are drawing me closer to this vine."
Friday, April 24, 2009
through adversity....greatness.
i don't typically watch the news; it's usually just too depressing and with all the scrolls going at the top, bottom and behind the news reporter, i can't keep up!
BUT i did hear something disturbing this morning. Secretary Janet Napolitano issued a report with Homeland security making aware of "Right-wing Terrorists." as i researched online, i learned that in a footnote, she described these "Right-wing Terrorists" as people "who oppose abortion and immigration".
The news reporter on TV reported that the footnote read as people who oppose abortion and are against gay marriage.
Jacob informed me that if you are among these "beliefs" (ie: religions that oppose abortion and gay marriage), then you are on a "watch-list."
My family came over to America in the late 1700's to escape very much similar religious persecution. they escaped Germany to the Netherlands, and from there, to America, where we've settled all across the country. we had families, because we cherish life.
we work hard, because we believe if you don't work hard, you don't eat.
we don't accept "hand-outs" because we believe in taking responsibilities for our mistakes.
I have a hard time thinking that there are people out there wouldn't take a baby dog (a puppy) to the SPCA because they know that the dog will be put to sleep if not found a good home. yet, because they choose to be irresponsible by having sex without some sort of birth control (they have IUDs....they last for 5 years. get one.), they punish a potentially great life by ceasing it!
yeah....its all about choice. you chose to have sex. you COULD have chosen not to. but you chose to.
or...if a woman is raped. yes. i see your point. it's a horrible thing that happened. i wouldn't know if i would have the strength in your position, but i would give it some serious thought. and know this: Greatness CAN come from adversity. and if i wouldn't have the strength to carry full term, i know someone who can give me that strength. His name, Jesus.
His mother became pregnant, and it wasn't from a wild night after partying and she wasn't raped. she said, "Ok, Lord, as you say, let it be."
however, she wasn't married. and she was pregnant in a time where if you were caught having sex before marriage, they'd take you out and throw large rocks at your head and body until you stopped breathing, and then they left your body for the birds and animals to consume.
BUT! because she chose to allow God to use her, even through this adversity, greatness came. NOW! ALL because of JESUS, we don't throw rocks at people as a form of justice. we don't have to take a lamb, a ram, or a dove to some random high place and cut it open to sacrifice to God.
We have GRACE....all we have to do is ask Him for it.
Why does he give us grace?
He also faced every adversity that we can imagine! he was whipped with leather bands that has broken pieces of clay stuck in it so that when it wrapped around his body, it would grab pieces of skin and rip it off.
then, he had his head stuck inside a rosebush.....
then he had stakes hammered into each of his hands....and not at the same time, but one done at a time. first his right hand, then his left hand, then....they forced his feet on top of each other and ran a stake into both of his feet, right through the bones.
and on his mind......
was you.
not the pain of the torture.
or the pain of seeing his friends deny knowing him....
or the pain of seeing his friends run away.
or the pain of having God turn his back on him, as he took on ALL the sins of the world.
"MY GOD! MY GOD! WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME?!?!"
through this adversity, GREATNESS came. He suffered in Hell for three days! AWAY from his Father!
at his death, the earth shook and the curtain at the temple tore. the prophets rose from the grave. many were seen walking around.
i can't imagine looking beside me and seeing Jeremiah and Isaiah. or Ezekial. or Abraham. I would have so many questions to ask them.
It's all because of this, i have hope, i have a reason to live, and i'm also on a watch list for my country....the LAND OF THE FREE....because i cherish life? because i would rather keep the dog at my house, AND carry a baby to full term?
or because i believe in working hard? and RIGHTFULLY paying taxes???
or because i believe in the promises MY GOD has given me???
or is it because i believe in taking responsibility for my actions???
BUT i did hear something disturbing this morning. Secretary Janet Napolitano issued a report with Homeland security making aware of "Right-wing Terrorists." as i researched online, i learned that in a footnote, she described these "Right-wing Terrorists" as people "who oppose abortion and immigration".
The news reporter on TV reported that the footnote read as people who oppose abortion and are against gay marriage.
Jacob informed me that if you are among these "beliefs" (ie: religions that oppose abortion and gay marriage), then you are on a "watch-list."
My family came over to America in the late 1700's to escape very much similar religious persecution. they escaped Germany to the Netherlands, and from there, to America, where we've settled all across the country. we had families, because we cherish life.
we work hard, because we believe if you don't work hard, you don't eat.
we don't accept "hand-outs" because we believe in taking responsibilities for our mistakes.
I have a hard time thinking that there are people out there wouldn't take a baby dog (a puppy) to the SPCA because they know that the dog will be put to sleep if not found a good home. yet, because they choose to be irresponsible by having sex without some sort of birth control (they have IUDs....they last for 5 years. get one.), they punish a potentially great life by ceasing it!
yeah....its all about choice. you chose to have sex. you COULD have chosen not to. but you chose to.
or...if a woman is raped. yes. i see your point. it's a horrible thing that happened. i wouldn't know if i would have the strength in your position, but i would give it some serious thought. and know this: Greatness CAN come from adversity. and if i wouldn't have the strength to carry full term, i know someone who can give me that strength. His name, Jesus.
His mother became pregnant, and it wasn't from a wild night after partying and she wasn't raped. she said, "Ok, Lord, as you say, let it be."
however, she wasn't married. and she was pregnant in a time where if you were caught having sex before marriage, they'd take you out and throw large rocks at your head and body until you stopped breathing, and then they left your body for the birds and animals to consume.
BUT! because she chose to allow God to use her, even through this adversity, greatness came. NOW! ALL because of JESUS, we don't throw rocks at people as a form of justice. we don't have to take a lamb, a ram, or a dove to some random high place and cut it open to sacrifice to God.
We have GRACE....all we have to do is ask Him for it.
Why does he give us grace?
He also faced every adversity that we can imagine! he was whipped with leather bands that has broken pieces of clay stuck in it so that when it wrapped around his body, it would grab pieces of skin and rip it off.
then, he had his head stuck inside a rosebush.....
then he had stakes hammered into each of his hands....and not at the same time, but one done at a time. first his right hand, then his left hand, then....they forced his feet on top of each other and ran a stake into both of his feet, right through the bones.
and on his mind......
was you.
not the pain of the torture.
or the pain of seeing his friends deny knowing him....
or the pain of seeing his friends run away.
or the pain of having God turn his back on him, as he took on ALL the sins of the world.
"MY GOD! MY GOD! WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME?!?!"
through this adversity, GREATNESS came. He suffered in Hell for three days! AWAY from his Father!
at his death, the earth shook and the curtain at the temple tore. the prophets rose from the grave. many were seen walking around.
i can't imagine looking beside me and seeing Jeremiah and Isaiah. or Ezekial. or Abraham. I would have so many questions to ask them.
It's all because of this, i have hope, i have a reason to live, and i'm also on a watch list for my country....the LAND OF THE FREE....because i cherish life? because i would rather keep the dog at my house, AND carry a baby to full term?
or because i believe in working hard? and RIGHTFULLY paying taxes???
or because i believe in the promises MY GOD has given me???
or is it because i believe in taking responsibility for my actions???
Friday, April 17, 2009
word creations
so...
maybe there's a word out there for the SELECT few people who write people off for their "political affiliations..."
such as this PATHETIC status update i saw on facebook:
"[so and so] thinks torturers and those telling them to torture should be punished."
This in and of itself is not bothersome...as i am not necessarily "pro-torture".
However....one of their "friends" who is also a local politician who runs primarily for the democratic party (and despite that i DID actually vote for him) left a comment stating:
"force them to listen to a half hour of Glen Beck (a republican show host- TV and radio). oh wait! they probably already do. nevermind."
This insinuates that the torturers are republican.
first of all, coming from someone who has tried to get into politics...i'm GLAD this man didn't win.
NANANANABOO BOO!
secondly, i just want to call out RACIST!
now....i know it's not about race.
but what do you call it when people are judging you based on your political affiliations and wrongfully so?
any takers???
maybe there's a word out there for the SELECT few people who write people off for their "political affiliations..."
such as this PATHETIC status update i saw on facebook:
"[so and so] thinks torturers and those telling them to torture should be punished."
This in and of itself is not bothersome...as i am not necessarily "pro-torture".
However....one of their "friends" who is also a local politician who runs primarily for the democratic party (and despite that i DID actually vote for him) left a comment stating:
"force them to listen to a half hour of Glen Beck (a republican show host- TV and radio). oh wait! they probably already do. nevermind."
This insinuates that the torturers are republican.
first of all, coming from someone who has tried to get into politics...i'm GLAD this man didn't win.
NANANANABOO BOO!
secondly, i just want to call out RACIST!
now....i know it's not about race.
but what do you call it when people are judging you based on your political affiliations and wrongfully so?
any takers???
Friday, April 10, 2009
update from last blog
Thank you everyone for the encouragement!
I want to update from what i last said in my blog the other day...
the truth is, I love our church. it's small, and it has its faults, but it is a home for us right now.
the truth is I am very insecure! and every sunday, i push my insecurity down and "suck it up and get it over with"!
and sometimes in the middle of the week, my insecurity catches up to me, and i just...."blow up."
not ideal, but that's just how i am.
i apologize for what i said, and how i said it, and if you were made uncomfortable or upset, i apologize.
i really am fine, and i really do love our body and the people there.
i AM struggling to fit in, but that's more my fault as anyone elses!
I want to update from what i last said in my blog the other day...
the truth is, I love our church. it's small, and it has its faults, but it is a home for us right now.
the truth is I am very insecure! and every sunday, i push my insecurity down and "suck it up and get it over with"!
and sometimes in the middle of the week, my insecurity catches up to me, and i just...."blow up."
not ideal, but that's just how i am.
i apologize for what i said, and how i said it, and if you were made uncomfortable or upset, i apologize.
i really am fine, and i really do love our body and the people there.
i AM struggling to fit in, but that's more my fault as anyone elses!
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