The Life of a New Wife

newest update thus far

2011-09-18T22:35:00.003-04:00

The newest update, as I've realize I have been really bad at updating:

My mom is back home. She isn't CURED, YET.

They found a small cancerous tumor on her glands that were removed, so as soon as she is well enough from the surgery, she will start chemo.

I broke my foot. Discounting ugly, it's fine.

My sister had her baby girl, Lucy Jane. PRECIOUS. Almost makes me ready for another baby.....

Ahhhh....who am I kidding?? I'm ready....but not at the same time.

I go back to work tomorrow; hopefully I won't want to chop my foot off by lunch......

:o)

updates for all

2011-08-29T19:57:00.002-04:00

Since I've been posting most of my medical updates about my mom on facebook, I've not seen the need to post much on here.

So, for those who aren't on FB, I will post an update here.

Forgive me any mess-ups. I had a rather large glass of white wine with dinner, and I believe it has affected me WAY more than I had intended.

My Mom had her PET scan and bone scan. Both came back CLEAN. Meaning that as far as *they* know, the cancer has not yet spread. But they want to act fast.

Mom had a second opinion with UVA; one she rather liked. In fact, she is moving forward with the dr at UVA rather than RMH. UVA is offering her the option of an internal bladder in place of an external, which is an option she would rather deal with.

Basically:

All they have to do is remove her bladder. Then, as long as surgery goes as planned, and they do not find anymore cancer anywhere else, she will be CURED.

CURED.

As in, no more cancer.

as in, no chemo, no radiation, she will have all her hair and not be sick, and she won't have to worry about cancer spreading to other parts of her body.

CURED.

When they go in for the surgery (right now scheduled for Sept. 9), she will have her bladder and a few other non essential organs removed. So, pray that the cancer has not spread, and that the surgery goes well.

i kinda don't even want to bother with an update for my job b/c it seems all superfluous after hearing that my mom is going to be (speaking it out in faith) cured of cancer.

but, jobs going well. it's tough, and it'll take me several weeks/months to get the hang of it. but prayers for me during rush would be greatly appreciated. :o)

CURED!!!

"cancer is just a word, not a sentence"

2011-08-05T07:10:00.002-04:00

Last week, my mother notice some blood in her urine and decided to go to the doctor. He sent her to another specialist, who took some tests and did some scans and came back with the results that she had 2 tumors in her bladder. They performed a biopsy on Monday, and results came yesterday.

Cancer. Stage 4.

We had a feeling it was cancer. But we were hoping for stage 1....or 2. Not 4.

Apparently it is too far into her muscle, and they must now test to make sure it has not spread anywhere.

My mother is going to spend a week at the beach with my sister and her family, so when she gets back, she will have scans and more blood tests and surgery and chemo awaiting her.

Our prayer right now is that it has not spread anywhere else. If you are a praying person, please join us in prayer right now. We most certainly could use some good news.

It is easy for people who choose to do harmful things to themselves to say, "I'm not hurting anyone else; I'm only hurting myself. Let me choose for myself. It is my body; not yours."

Well, yes. It IS your body. But for those around you who love you, when you get news like this, it breaks us. My heart is BROKEN.

All it took was cigarette smoke and a weakened immune system. Flu. If she didn't have the flu or a cold last fall, we wouldn't be here.

Before you light up or pop the top or whatever, think. Is this something that can harm me to the point of death? Is this something that can take me away from those who love me? Is this something that can make me suffer in my last days?

Then think: is it worth it to those I love for me to quit?

Happy Memorial Day

2011-05-29T18:23:00.002-04:00

I refuse to be the kind of wife that nags.

And I refuse to be the kind of wife that complains.

But, by golly, if I feel a certain way, I don't think what I say should be twisted to make me feel badly for feeling that way.

I'm not going to write a blog bitching about stuff.

I just want somewhere that I can go to to say how I feel without it being twisted.

And I want to talk to someone who will listen....and HEAR.

I want to be REAL and not feel badly for being that way.

If that is too much to ask for, then I really don't know why I bother....

FINALLY!!!!!!

2011-05-28T12:14:00.001-04:00

After 3 days of not being able to log onto my blog, I finally have success! GEEZ Blogger. get it together!

I changed my password. More than twice. I can't remember how many times, actually.

But even with a new password, my screen would not leave the password screen.

::blows raspberry at google::

whoops. Day 14: 30 Day Photo Challenge.

2011-05-23T10:18:00.002-04:00

I knew this was going to happen.

My last post was actually the Day 15 topic. Day 14 is a picture of someone you couldn't imagine living your life without.

I have 2 someones.

silliness ensues with these two. <3!

Day 14: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-05-23T10:14:00.003-04:00

Day 14: Something you want to do before you die.

Pinterest

A silly goal of mine is writing a book. Doubt I could ever be published, but it's definitely a goal. I'm always scheming, planning, but never following through. One day......one day.

Day 13: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-05-08T20:33:00.002-04:00

Day 13: A picture of your favorite band/artist.

I really don't have a favorite. I like many songs and many different artists.

But since I need to post a picture...I'll post this one:

Norman Rockwell

http://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://www.infocera.com/pic/Norman-Rockwell-Saturday-Evening-Post-Photo-on-Google.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.infocera.com/Norman_Rockwell_painting_from_Post_magazine_inspires_Google_doodle_7795.htm&usg=__wDVCO7kl6uvpD3hqNOb3Fu2Qhu4=&h=200&w=164&sz=44&hl=en&start=197&zoom=0&tbnid=p_L7Z_zBklAzBM:&tbnh=104&tbnw=85&ei=0DbHTZn4B4eDgAfk4fXKBA&prev=/search%3Fq%3Dnorman%2Brockwell%2Bpaintings%26hl%3Den%26client%3Dfirefox-a%26hs%3DI0Z%26sa%3DX%26rls%3Dorg.mozilla:en-US:official%26biw%3D1600%26bih%3D783%26tbm%3Disch0%2C3420&itbs=1&iact=hc&vpx=150&vpy=485&dur=868&hovh=104&hovw=85&tx=76&ty=52&page=6&ndsp=38&ved=1t:429,r:29,s:197&biw=1600&bih=783

Day 12: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-05-07T20:13:00.004-04:00

Day 12: A picture of something you love:

Day 11: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-05-06T09:34:00.003-04:00

Day 11: A picture of something you hate:

I'm going to be a bit creative, because I DO NOT want to find an image of something I hate.

I LOVE children. I love how innocent children are, and they don't even know it!

What I HATE is when their innocence is robbed from them.

At first, I tried to find something on ignorance. But that didn't suffice.

And I don't want to post a picture of a child being robbed of his/her innocence. So...I made a compromise. The picture is something I LOVE, the explanation is what I hate.

http://www.cbcharlingen.org/188852

Day 10: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-05-06T09:18:00.004-04:00

Day 10: A picture of the person you do the most *messed* up things with...

truth be told...

I don't do that many "messed up things."

I spend my time changing diapers, washing laundry, cleaning dishes, and occasionally I will go to work.

Maybe once every few months I go out with the girls to dinner, got a pedicure one time, and did some gab talk.

So...

for my messed up things:

I figure my version of "messed up things" is playing with a colander in the living room. Really? He is just too cute to not post a picture of. :o)

taking a break

2011-04-26T21:20:00.002-04:00

Taking a break from the photo challenge (i will catch up...yes) to bring you a blog from real life.

My 23 year old brother is going into surgery tomorrow. If you could lift up prayers on his behalf, I would greatly appreciate it.

It's not so much the surgery he needs prayer for; it's the recovery.

I don't mind sharing; others might mind reading.

And to them I say, "Oh well."

I live my life according to rules that no one else may have to live by. I have cancelled trips to be home with my family, and said no to things that take me away from where I'm needed. I COULD have more in my life, if I really wanted those things. I have no desire to get a degree to work a job that I'm going to hate. "Just get a degree. It doesn't matter what you get."

Yeah. It kinda does.

Anyway...

Living with my parents is a mentally deranged, and a very violent person. This person refuses help, has spent a night in jail, and constantly threatens and carries out those threats. Where this person needs to be: not jail. He needs a mental institution...the kind where they are strapped down and given medication or left alone in a padded room....yeah...THAT kind.

This person has hurt me, has hurt my little brother, and won't even think twice about hurting him again. In fact, in this person's mind, THEY are the victim.

This frightens me beyond life. What is this person going to do with my lil bro getting all the attention??? Is this person really going to do it this time? How is he going to manipulate people?

Seriously. WHY can't the police do SOMETHING about this kind of a situation????? He is NOT well, but in the eyes of the state, he IS well. He can't be arrested until they see some bruises or blood, but by that time, IT'S TOO LATE.

God, I know You're here....somewhere. Where do You hide while this is going on? I'd REALLY love to see You in this mess. Please, show Yourself.

Day 9: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-04-21T14:18:00.004-04:00

I find myself already slipping down the slippery slope of neglecting my challenge to myself.

BUT! In my defense: I have been ILL. Almost 4 weeks ago (on a Tuesday), I went to the dr with what I thought was maybe an infected bug bite. It started out as a pimple and then my face BALLOONED up...embarrassingly. He said it may be an infection of some sort, though probably not a bug bite; took a swab and sent it off to the lab. In the meantime, he said I have a "strep-like infection" on my throat; gave me antibiotics, and sent me on my way.

10 days of antibiotics later, the infected part of my face (have I mentioned this is on my FOREHEAD?!?!) had not gone away, and I called the Doctor again. 13 days after my first appointment, I saw a different dr; one that I had not seen before. He took 1 look at my face and said, "it's a cyst. It needs to be surgically removed." He then gave me the name of an ENT who, he said, would be great at not leaving a scar. I made the appointment for May 10.

This was this past Monday. On Wednesday, my face again ballooned up, and I called the doctors office again. By this point, I'm really frustrated, because, I'm not sure if you noticed, but I never mentioned what that swab came back to say. That's because I did not hear until Wednesday. Yesterday.

Anyway, yesterday, I spoke with a nurse on staff, who then told me the swab came back for a staph infection, but the original antibiotic should've taken care of it. When I told her that nothing had changed, I heard a silence on the other end that made me think she was rolling her eyes at the phone or at least making faces.

Then she asked me a couple of questions about the infected area, and what it looks like, and put me on hold for a few minutes while she talked with the original doctor who took the swab.

She came back and said that they were going to try a stronger antibiotic, and see if that works. I asked about the cyst. Now here's the fun part:

There MAY be a cyst underneath this ooey gooey infected mess, but we can't know for sure until the infection is gone. I have taken my second dose of antibiotic, which has taken some of the ballooning feeling, and made me more EXHAUSTED, but, I don't yet see too much of a difference in my face.

I'm not a very beautiful person. My face should never and will never grace the covers of any magazine (unless that magazine is about an infected mass on a persons face), but I hope to God that I at least look somewhat normal. I almost don't care about a scar. Maybe I should. I don't know. I just want to be well!

And on that note:

My Day 9 challenge: A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most:

Jesus. While I don't know what he really looks like, I know what I envision him to look like. He doesn't look like any of the pictures that you pull up when you Google Jesus Christ images.

He also has been there for me through thick or thin. Even when I don't think he is, there He is.

Thank You for always being there for me. I love you Lord!

Day 8: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-04-20T08:24:00.003-04:00

Day 8: A picture that makes you laugh.

There are a couple. My son always makes me laugh with his funny grins or laughs, or whatever mischief he is getting into.

I just think this is funny. Not so much "funny-haha" but "funny-cute." I give a chuckle.

Day 7: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-04-19T23:07:00.001-04:00

Day 7: A picture of your most treasured item.

There really isn't an item I treasure that I could live without. Except my wedding rings. I love the fact I'm married to a great man. And I will be more than happy to show them off!

Day 6: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-04-18T16:03:00.002-04:00

Day 6: A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with.

I really can't think of anyone.

oh, wait. Except maybe this one:

Day 5: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-04-18T15:58:00.004-04:00

Day 5: A picture of your favorite memory.

This will do.

Day 4: 30 Day challenge

2011-04-18T15:56:00.002-04:00

Okay...so here's my Day 4 Post...

Yes...a few days late.

Feeding Matthew. We were actually at my husbands Great-Grandmothers 91st birthday party.

That's kind of how my nights are these days. :o)

Day 4: 30 Day challenge

2011-04-16T07:58:00.001-04:00

Day 4: A picture of your night...

i have to go take a picture. This one will probably not get posted until tonight or tomorrow. Sorry, folks.

Day 3: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-04-15T10:00:00.003-04:00

Day 3: A picture of the cast of your favorite show:

This is the cast from Grey's Anatomy. This has become my favorite show over the last 6 months or so. When the show started, I actually watched some, and hated it. I thought it was a cheesy emo show, and I wouldn't watch it. But, when my sister-in-law was watching Matty for me when I started back at work, I'd come home and she would have it on. I caught parts of it. It looked interesting. I watched some older episodes, and quickly fell in love. The characters were so real. It made me think that I could become a surgeon. And then the LOVE story between Meredith and Derrick! ::SIGH:: I got to re-live my love story through them!

It's a GREAT show! You should watch it. If you don't love it, something may or may not be wrong with you.

Day 2: 30 Day Photo Challenge

2011-04-14T09:42:00.005-04:00

Day 2: A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest.

This is my best friend, Kristin, and her sister, Rachell. This was WAY before we were all married (although I believe this was the weekend we were trying on your wedding dress, Kristin), and definitely way before our babies. This was fall break of 2006 in a Burlington Coat Factory in Virginia Beach.

Kristin and I are the bestest of the best of friends. It is her friendship that compares to no other. Yes, I have other friends, with many of whom I'm very close, as does she. But, Kristin and I; there's never been a time where we were not close. With many of my friends, we lose track of each other for a time. With Kristin, we may not talk for weeks, but we are still close.

Thank you, dear, DEAR friend. When many of my other "friends" were trash-talking me, or purposely leaving me out of things, you were the one person who was there for me, never judging, always listening, always praying and encouraging me.

I only hope I can do the same for you! :-)

First Birthday Party

2011-04-13T13:59:00.004-04:00

Okay...I know you guys are probably REALLY annoyed with me (thinking: GEEZ...3 posts in ONE WHOLE DAY! She needs a life!), but I totally just realized I have not posted pictures from Matthew's first birthday party!!! EEEK! In my family, that's like a mortal sin or something not to share pictures! Just kidding, mi madre!

Anyway, here's a few. Enjoy.

This one was actually a couple of days before. But it is just TOO CUTE to pass up!

He enjoyed his cupcake!

His new backpack from Aunt Jenny and family!

He was unsure about the whole cupcake thing at first, but he got the hang of it! (I know these are out of order)

A family shot.

MICKEY MOUSE!

The next day! He LOVES all of his new toys!!

Day 1: 30 Day Challenge.

2011-04-13T10:45:00.003-04:00

Post a picture of yourself with 10 facts.

Since the directions do not specify whether it is 10 facts previously unknown or not, I will simply share the first 10 random facts that pop into my head.

1. My greatest achievement in my life has been my son. He makes me laugh every day, even when my day contains nothing to laugh about.

2. My wedding day was the best day of my life. My life-partner, my best friend, the love of my life.

3. There are not many pictures of just me. Especially recent pictures. Hence #4.

4. I've joined a gym. Er...I'm joining a gym. I'm more shopping for a gym. I've had 1 workout, and am planning on going again tonight.

5. I LOVE bread. And brownies. And pasta. And any chocolate of almost any kind. Which is why diets will not work for me.

6. If I got the chance to stay home with my son, I'd take it in a heartbeat. The ONLY condition I would have is to have a play group once every couple of days so he can play with other kids. And so mommies can have mommy time.

7. I am very shy. (Okay, dear friends, you can stop laughing right now.) I'm more SECRETLY shy. I've not met many of you, but when I do, I will be shy. I get less shy with wine. So when we meet, let there be wine. :o)

8. Secretly, when I started college, I really had no desire to have a career. Yes, I like to work and get out there, but I think I secretly wanted to be a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom).

9. I love worship music. I love slow ballads, and most upbeat songs. But, a GOOD worship song speaks directly to my heart. A bad worship song is very insulting to me.

10. I love Jesus. More and more each and every day. While the last few years have been rough for my relationship with Him, I do love Him. He is the reason I'm alive today. He is the reason I exist. Without Him, I am nothing, and no matter how I attempt to improve my life, only He can make it better.

30 day challenge

2011-04-13T10:40:00.003-04:00

Lately, I'm all about challenging myself to be a better person. I'm joining a gym (My personal Lorelei is laughing very loudly), I'm looking at volunteering, and I'm thinking about starting a Mary Kay business. The last part is just to see how I do and where I go with it. I'm not in it to make $30,000 a year (although, I'm told, it's possible), but if it happens, great. If not, I get a lot of cool stuff. :o)

One thing I've been wanting to do is this 30 Day Photo Challenge from Facebook. I don't think I want to post it on Facebook, but instead, I'll post the pictures on here. If nothing else, it will get me to blog a little more.

Here is the initial post I will be coming back to to remind me of what I need to be looking for in a photo. I will post another post with day 1.

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with ten facts

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been closest with the longest

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show

Day 04 - A picture of your night

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most ****** up things with

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate

Day 12 - A picture of something you love

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity

Day 19 - A picture and a letter

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change

Day 25 - A picture of your day

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss

Day 31 - A picture of yourself

new morning, new day

2011-04-11T09:37:00.002-04:00

So...yesterday was rough. But the good part about yesterday:

IT'S IN THE PAST!!!!

Praise Jesus!

Today, is Monday. And while Monday's have the reputation for being evil, I'm choosing to see this day as new; fresh; clean; ready for the taking!

We (as in Matthew and I) have some errands to run. Target to meet with a friend of mine, across town for Mary Kay pick up, and then, darling Matty will be going to the sitters so I can go to the gym!

In recent news:

I have been sick! AGAIN!

Last Monday, I picked at my forehead at what I thought was a innocent pimple (TMI for some of you, but it's the truth). All of a sudden, by that evening, my entire forehead was in pain, and swelling. By Tuesday morning, my entire face was so swollen, I could barely open my right eye. I went to the doctor, and he said I also may have strep. He gave me an antibiotic that would "hopefully" kill the bacteria/infection on my face and in my throat. So far, it's working (Thank GOD!), but the antibiotic is KILLING my stomach. I swear, I think it'd just be easier if I rip my stomach out and flush it down the toilet.

It'd save the time, that's for sure!

And Matthew is attempting to get over a stomach bug, so in preparation, I lysoled EVERYTHING.

Thank God for Lysol!

why being a middle child made today an epic fail.

2011-04-10T21:55:00.004-04:00

When Matthew woke us up at 5 this morning, I literally had no idea what was going to happen. I mean, he wakes up at 5 am every couple of days, and it's usually no big deal. But throw into the mix that we had church (which always throws off his nap-times), a family dinner/birthday party 20 minutes away, and an all around grumpy baby, and today was destined since the early morning start to be an epic fail.

For example:

Had I known that Matty's early morning nap would've only been half the usual time and that would've made him a very inconsolable child, I would've skipped church. But since I lost my DeLorean in a bet that I should've known I was going to lose, I had no idea that Matthew's normal "happy-go-lucky" attitude would've been lost after the first diaper change.

Likewise, had I known that church was going to go as long as it did, I again would've skipped, or left early. I don't want to bad-mouth, and I don't think I am. I am expressing a personal opinion. If you do not agree with my opinion, that's fine! But I don't mean any ill-will, and I most certainly do not want to put down people who are amazing men/women of God. However, I [personally] cannot stand when they have alter-time at the beginning of the service. It drags on and on. I understand why they do it (so people don't leave before they have their chance at the alter), but I would benefit more from HEARING the word and then GOING to the alter. Again....PERSONALLY.

I also have a HARD time worshiping with music that was written before my grandparents were born. I LOVE the fact that I grew up in small town America. But, I have the HARDEST time focusing with songs that I've never heard of, and with that "Gospel-twang". I feel like I'm at an outdoor fair (For you locals, like the Bergton Fair). It's not worship music to me. It's a concert. And yes, I do need to pour my heart out to the Audience of One. But, I spend MORE time getting myself into the attitude (because I have to force it on myself) then I do actually worshiping.

Again...PERSONALLY. I know that there are people of the older generations who feel the same way should someone introduce a "new" song. The only thing I can say is...Maybe I need to find somewhere where that's not so much a problem.

[A little side-note: I really have no problem with "old songs of worship". I just can't stand when they are all done the same way....ya know...like at an old gospel concert].

Anyway, after forcing myself into worship for 5 minutes, twiddling my thumbs for almost a half hour while they have "alter-time", and then watching the clock tick....11:45. 12. 12:15. "We need to be at my parents in 15 minutes, and they are 20 minutes away, and we haven't started praying yet..."

Now, take these feelings of frustration from what's supposed to be a refreshing time in fellowship (don't even get me started on "fellowship"), and take that with an argumentative 10 minutes in the car to the ATM (we owed my mom 10 bucks), then home with a hungry child (we were eating lunch at my parents), all before getting back in the car to drive 20 minutes...we got to my parents 45 minutes late.

Finally we arrive at my parents and everyone's starting to chow down without us (which was agreed upon in our first year of marriage; they are not to wait on us). Matthew refused food and drink of all kinds, and started with a tantrum. In front of everyone. I felt the burning sensation of judgement fall on me.

I'm the middle child. Not a "true" middle child, but as middle as they come. I was born number 3 of 4. My sister who is 8.5 years my senior, my brother is 6 years older, and my "baby" brother who is 3 years younger. My sister is married, with 2 kids and one more on the way (YAY!). My brother growing up had so many problems that he will never be able to claim to have "middle-child-syndrome" even if he wanted. He received all the attention and then some. Given, not all of it was positive, but still....attention is attention. And my "baby" brother, he is the baby of the family. Always has been, and always will be.

So, as we sat around the dinner table, I tried telling stories of baby things to my sister at the other end, and to my mom across from her. My mother, later, told me she has no recollection of me trying to talk.

My siblings, on the other hand, all got their stories heard, and shared, even two or three times, but for shear pleasure, not because they didn't hear.

The only time the eyes were on me was when Matthew started acting out.

From there on, it progressed. Downhill. Fast. He screamed. FOR HOURS! We had to leave before my brother opened his gifts and before he blew out his candles to get Matthew home. He screamed the whole way home. Got him home and upstairs, rocked him with a bottle, and he was FINALLY a happy camper. I wanted to cry. I was so drained, emotionally, my throat hurt from trying to make myself heard, and I couldn't even get my own child to be happy for an hour. I felt so inadequate. Correction: FEEL.

What is it about being a middle child that does not go away, even when you're grown and have a family all of your own???

a test in customer service by a customer

2011-03-27T10:54:00.002-04:00

On Saturday, we were supposed to pick up Matthew's car seat (ya know, the evil forward facing ones that will grow with him).

We ordered it on March 14 from Walmart.com. I received an email confirmation stating that the order would arrive (site-to-store for free shipping) between March 18-March 25.

Sometime in that week, I received an email saying that the package was "delayed in transit".

I don't know what that means....but a few day later i got another email saying that the new expected arrival date was March 26. Yesterday.

at 6:17 am, i got another email (and i got all excited thinking that it was at the store), saying it was AGAIN delayed in transit. This time, it is delayed in transit 20 minutes away from my VERY HOUSE, and the tracking site says it is "in transit to store."

it has been in transit to the store since March 23rd. it is now, March 27. it does NOT take 4 days to go from Mt. crawford to harrisonburg.

Now, i'm very irritated. annoyed. frustrated. i have not received my car seat, and i kinda sorta need it.

BUT....i called the customer service number on the email, and explained the emails to her. after a couple of minutes, she told me that within 24 hours (that time is up, by the way) i would receive a call from the store (which i haven't), explaining where my package is.

she also gave me $10 off my order.

the ironic thing: i did not yell. or scream. or place blame. all i wanted to know was what was the hold-up.....

i still don't know where it is, but, i do know that when i call back, using a calm voice and using facts rather than letting my emotions get the best of me will get me more places, than yelling at someone who is just trying to provide for their family.

Thank you Walmart.com!

sickness

2011-03-21T12:41:00.001-04:00

I strongly dislike sickness.

in fact, i think it's safe to say....i HATE it.

and for this round, i FULLY AND ENTIRELY blame myself.

it involves food, and foods that Matthew probably wasn't ready to eat.

but i hate it when he hurts. :-(

FINALLY!

2011-03-20T20:28:00.004-04:00

I FINALLY have gotten the pics uploaded to the computer from the camera. Now if i can just do
the same with my PHONE!!!!!

these are just a few of my favorites!

"Spring Sale!"

2011-03-11T07:20:00.002-05:00

My inbox is filled with emails from Target, JCPenney, Gap, and other stores where I receive discounts on purchases for simply giving them my email address.

"Spring Sale! Flip flops 2 for $5!"

"Tank Tops 3 for $2!"

"Dresses for the stick figure: $2.50!"

i look outside, and I reach for my nice hot cup of coffee, watch the rain fall and turn to sleet/angry snow, and dream of a day when i can go outside, play with Matty, wear flip flops and have a body where i can wear those STUPID DRESSES THAT LOOK AMAZING ON EVERYONE ELSE!

a prayer from a broken heart

2011-03-08T10:40:00.003-05:00

today, i received in my inbox a devotional from RelevantMagazine.com.

[ps: thank you my darling husband for signing me up months ago]

Coming from RM, it's usually something theological. I've never been a theological Christian. I don't feel the need to sit around the table and discuss why Jesus may or may not like homosexuals, or drink wine, or where he ministered most. I find these conversations...well...dull. and you always get with people who think differently than you, and reality is: no one is changing their mind b/c of what you (or they) have said. it's pointless conversation.

I'm a full believer that if i'm going to sit around the table and talk about Jesus, I'm going to talk about what is He doing in your life. What is it in your life that makes you think/feel/believe this about Jesus? THAT is the extent of my theological conversations.

Rabbit trail.

Today's devotional is about Luke 7:36-50.

The woman anoints Jesus. Many scholars believe that she was anointing him for death. others believe it was her way of worship.

I believe it was both.

This woman, who those around the table knew as a whore, entered into the house with ONE purpose.

Her LOVE for the Lord.

many scholars believe that Jesus and this woman (who i think is mentioned as Mary in the other gospels), had an affair and produced an offspring.

those scholars also drink kool-aid.

This woman was not attracted to the MAN. she was attracted to the LORD. Elohim. El Shaddai. (PLEASE EXCUSE MY SPELLING. I've never taken a greek/arabic class, and so i'm going on pronunciations...doesn't work so well...lol).

She was in AWE of His Majesty!

There was a time where i felt that love and desire for Him. lately, i haven't. and i want it back!

This is not a time for being reserved. this is not a time for being ashamed!

Lord, you've created me for such a time as this! help me to be BOLD for YOUR Name! Let people talk about me....let them spread their lies and gossip. Set me apart. anoint me! Lord, i break this alabaster jar at your feet, and wash it with my tears! You are my first love! my only true love!

tame my tongue so that it only spreads encouragement! let everything else fall wayside, and only encouragement come forward!

heal my heart, and make it clean. bring peace where there is none.

purify me, O Lord! let your love shine through!

the last 48 Hours...or what i remember of them...

2011-02-19T16:22:00.003-05:00

The good thing about pain...

the pain KILLERS. ahhh...yes...

sweet delirium.

No idea of whether you're coming or going...

or what that nice lady with the pink smock is doing in your arm...

or what that red stuff is doing coming out of your arm....

it is GRAND!!!

Spent most of Friday morning in the emergency room...which i've noticed is no longer abbreviated ER. it's now ED. at first i kept thinking, "WHY are they abbreviating what has been known in over 100 years as the EMERGENCY ROOM the SAME abbreviation for Erectile dysfunction?!?!"

The Emergency Department (as it is now called), was actually nice. i had my own room, with a TV (so that Jacob could watch the rest of the Caps game), and my own light switch so i could turn the lights off and sleep for 30 minutes, or until the nurse came to get my vitals....again.

The best part of the....morning...was actually NOT the heated blankets they gave us...although that did help! it was the pain killers! i felt like my innards were exploding (which, in fact, they were) and not only did they "take the edge off"...but i could've been run over by a bus at high speed, placed under a 40 car train, then dropped off the side of the grand canyon, and still i would've felt no pain.

OHHHHH SWEET DELIRIUM!

the coming off of said meds, however, made me felt like i was hit by a moving bus, placed under a 40 car train, and dangling off the side of the grand canyon.

I know in the last 48 hours, i received lots of text messages and maybe phone calls, but i honestly can't remember. and if you are one of these people who messaged me in some fashion, but have not heard from me. just remember....i was busy dangling off the side of the grand canyon. i apologize! your well-wishes are appreciated!! :o)

ok...

2011-01-30T21:09:00.001-05:00

really.

now.

sooo over it.

we've all had the stomach flu this week.

Matthew started it...

and i'm ending it.

test post

2011-01-20T09:47:00.001-05:00

Omg!! Here I am at work playing on the nookcolor...and I can blog! Woot!! I REALLY want one now!!!!

just wanted to share.

2011-01-19T09:12:00.002-05:00

Garfield is my FAVORITE comic/cartoon. BUT not the new Garfield, where it's live animation. No, no, no, no. It HAS to be the original cartoon with "Garfield and Friends." The pigs and the farm animals aren't really my favorite part, but the story line and the voices are what I remember from my childhood. And therefore, the new live animation Garfield will never do.

Here's to 2011!

2011-01-01T07:17:00.002-05:00

This year I resolve:

to be a better wife
to be a better mother
to be a better human.

This year I strive:

not to hold grudges
to let go of the grudges i currently hold
to stop pretending that I'm ok
to stop settling for mediocrity when I know i'm called to something greater
to stop letting people get to me.

This year my goal is:

to write more
look at options for schooling
drink less
smile more.
drink more water

If I never achieve my resolution (which by definition i will never achieve), i can at least STRIVE. if i want to stop striving, i can never get to my goals....and my goals are pretty easy....so...i'll just keep on striving.

Happy 2011! May the next year bring happiness, joy, hurt, and love. Joy for when happiness doesn't seem to cut it; hurt to appreciate the happiness; and love to remind us why we are happy and joyful!

::WHEW:: i finally have a minute...

2010-11-05T23:02:00.002-04:00

Okay, these are the rules -

Link to the person who tagged you.

Paste these rules on your blog post.
Respond to the following prompts (in bold).
Add a prompt of your own and answer it.
Tag a few other bloggers at the bottom of the post.
Leave "Tagged You" notices on their blog/Facebook.
Let the person who tagged you know when you've written the post.

1) The best investment you ever made:

investment? I'm not sure I'm too familiar with that word.....j/k.

probably my car. although i didn't really invest too much into it. but our car we have now is a great investment. geez. i haven't invested anything....

2) If you could’ve written any book, directed any movie, and composed any song, which three would you pick:

Book: Little House on the Prairie.

Movie: TOUGH. um...You've Got Mail/Pirates of the Caribbean/Signs....three way tie.

Song: UGGGH...even tougher....um. hm. mamama.....bababa.....Happy Birthday. Think if i could copyright that baby.

3) Weirdest quirk:

i'm pretty ditzy. I dropped my phone in my cereal. no really. if you don't think it's possible....let me try. I'm sure i can amaze you with my "graceful stupidity." LOL.

4) One wish immediately granted:

An amazing job where i can stay at home with my son/future children and be perfectly cared for...(mommy brain...can't think of the word i'm looking for. and as always, it is on the tip of my tongue.)

5) Most expensive hobby:

um. shopping? movies? i don't have a particular hobby...hm.

6) An inexhaustible gift-card at which store:

HAHA. just one?? Kohls. no...bed bath and beyond. no....target. ugh. think of all the baby clothes...and mommy clothes (NO...NOT the mommy jeans from SNL).....and christmas presents! OH THE CHOICES!!! .......hm. k..i'm awake now...

7) In another lifetime, you’d be:

um...probably an author. or an actress...cuz its who i want to be but don't have the cajones to do it.

ok....so...now i'm going to tag some of you...

TAG:

Jacob, Leslie, Morgan, Kristin, and Margaret.

This will truly be a test to see WHO reads my blogs in actuality.

:-)

exhausted

2010-10-07T09:51:00.002-04:00

it has been the house of sickness here.

i started it off with a cold: runny nose, cough, sore throat...the works.

Matthew started next with the cold, assuming he got it from me, which then turned into an ear infection and pink eye in both eyes.

then i took over on saturday evening/sunday morning with a severe sore throat. Jacob took me to the hospital and they gave me a prescription for strep.

5 days later, my throat is still sore, and i've developed a cough. i'm told to gargle cough syrup and spit it out (the crazy things you do when you're breast feeding), run a humidifier in our bedroom (which would be great, but we only have one, and the baby takes precedence over me), or i can chew half of a mucinex.

i am sooo ready for this to be over!!

Fantasy

2010-09-24T10:06:00.002-04:00

This is the second year where i am playing fantasy football. Last year I played with some people from church, and this year, I am tagging along with some co-workers.

I didn't think I would have enough time, but so far so good. I get on when Matty is napping and do what I need to do. So far, I rank in second place, which is pretty amazing! I never do well in this type of thing, so I'm super surprised!

other than working, i am trying to play catch up with some cleaning since coming back from the beach. we spent some time with my family in emerald isle, NC. Beautiful! but to go on vacation with a 5 and a half month old when you're still nursing...SUCKS. But i got out some, which was much needed!

slow day, not much to say!

Beachin'

2010-09-19T21:33:00.002-04:00

We just got back from a beautiful trip to the beach. Emerald Isle, North Carolina. It was the most beautiful time to go. It rained a little bit the first day we were there, and got a little cloudy the day we left, but every other day was blue skies, mid 80s to low 90s, NO humidity, and bright sunny skies.

We lathered up with some SPF 50, and braved the sun for a little bit. Anyone who knows me knows if I'm exposed to the sun for longer than 30 seconds, I'm a lobster.

I only got a little sunburned on my legs the day before we left.

Matthew did really good. Well, better than expected. I started to get frustrated by Thursday because I spent more time inside wishing to go outside than I did...doing anything else. It is really hard to enjoy the "great outdoors" when you have a nursing newborn. While he is a FANTASTIC baby, THE LAST THING this momma wants is sand in places sand should not be...and having a child eating and rubbing....ugggggggggggh. PASS. So I would wait til after he ate. Well, then he would get sleepy, so I'd have to rock him to sleep. Then I wasn't about to leave him in the house when me or Jacob weren't in there. And there's no way I was going to enjoy myself in taking the monitor down to the beach; I'd be worried I couldn't hear it and so I would have it up to my ear the whole time.

If I was going to be miserable, I'd rather be miserable inside where the AC rained supreme and the food was plentiful.

The other great thing about vacation:

It COMPLETELY interrupted Matty's sleep patterns. He went from sleeping through the night to...maybe a few hours here and there...and if I was lucky, MAYBE to 4 am? Most of the time, I'd have to nurse him and PRAY he went back to sleep; for the most part, he did.

The CRAZY thing: Jacob slept through him screaming even when Matty was 6 inches from Jacob's head. HOW in the WORLD?!?!

Matthew is such a GREAT kid. We started him on rice cereal. He took to it pretty well, but since we got home, not so much. We will have to try again tomorrow...and by "we," I mean Jacob, because I'm working until 9:30. :o)

Have fun, babe!!

sanctus real

2010-09-09T12:03:00.002-04:00

I have been hearing this song and I couldn't hear who the artist was. But the less I heard it the more I had it stuck in my head. Today on the radio, they were talking about the leader of the band and how he came to write this song. i nearly started to cry!

He had just come home from a tour, and his wife, who was feeling lonely, said he needed to be more of a spiritual leader in their household.

they repaired their marriage, and now are expecting a baby. while there's more of a story with the baby, i need to go and check on mine, so maybe the baby story will come later...if i can remember.

anyway, the song is called, "Lead Me."

"I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone"

christians make the worst customers...

2010-08-18T18:05:00.002-04:00

I was talking with Jacob on my way home from my short little 3.5 hour shift at work. we chatted about little stuff and then jacob asked me, "How was your day at work?"

my response: "christians are the worst customers."

the worse part about knowing who is a "christian" is seeing what they are buying and then thinking, "wow. you could really use that Bible right about now."

Jacob said with all the stories i have regarding this subject, i could write a book.

but honestly, it'd be short. it really breaks my heart to see people, Bible in hand, ripping into a cashier, or a server at a restaurant. The ONE time i saw a "godly" man speak to a server at Applebees in an ungodly way, i no longer have any sort of interest in seeing this man speak or hear what he has to say.

i understand we are all human, and we are very impatient beings. but if you get impatient with someone who is trying to HELP you, APOLOGIZE. THAT, my friends, is what sets you apart.

PS. 4:3 "Know that the Lord has set apart the godly for himself."

Matthew 7:2 "do to others the way you would have them do to you."

I don't really post a whole lot about this because i feel like i'm judging. but, really. when i feel like crap after you walk away, are you really showing Jesus to those who may not see Him? or are you leaving someone with the bad taste about what christianity is really like?

think twice before you start putting someone down. and if you are just tired of being pressured about this membership card or that promotion or this or that...just remember: we are doing our jobs. if i don't ask you a bazillion questions, i could lose my job.

creativity

2010-08-17T11:41:00.002-04:00

ok...so, i just want to say thank you to all the people that follow my blog on a semi-regular basis.

and i also want to apologize. i started this blog b/c i really thought i had some creative juices to get flowing and thought, well..if no one sees this, then thats fine. this will be just for me.

but then, people started reading. and commenting. and giving advice. and...other things.

so i started censuring what i wrote. then i stopped writing.

wow. sounds all too familiar. i used to write. a LOT. i have journals from forever ago where i would write stories (short ones...) and where i would just write to write. but time got away from me, and then before i knew it, i was believing the lie that i had nothing worth writing.

even now. i don't have any witty commentary. i'm not a photographer...my camera doesn't even really work, so pics are hard to come by. and time is of the essence. for example. the thought going through my mind right now: laundry. food. food for baby shower. work. when am i going to make food for baby shower between work? baby. baby is sleeping. ::gets up to go check on baby:: he's so cute. can't wait to get his pics back...pics..money...need more money...gotta go to work...work...time with family...work nights...man, i work friday night. how am i going to make this food for the baby shower when i work friday night?!

when do i have time (in my mind) to sit down and write a witty commentary on anything?

[and for my husband who is probably reading this: the above thoughts are only 60 seconds of actual thinking.]

i am who i am. i'm not very creative. if anything, i'm lazy. yep. there it is. i am lazy.

thought i post quick

2010-08-13T09:31:00.003-04:00

Work is calling, so this is going to be a quick post.

we are one month away from beach vacation, 3 weeks away from matthew turning 5 months old, and about 18 years away from getting a good nights rest.

one thing i've learned over the last few months:

take EVERYTHING and EVERYONE with a grain of salt. No matter what anyone says to you, you cannot put any weight in it.

for example: the stories i've heard from family members about someone saying horrible things about me behind my back may be completely false. where as, someone who i never would've thought, is saying things equally as bad.

to put any expectations on anyone is bad. for example: my friends who say they will show up at a certain time at a certain place...they will notoriously be late. and that's ok. or they may not show up at all. but...there is grace and understanding.

I plan on living my life with the expectations i would have for everyone else, but just for me. there is grace. people are human. they are imperfect.

although sometimes i just want to scream, "i'm tired of being so forgiving!" but, i remember...if Jesus hadn't been so forgiving...i wouldn't be here.

killing my fleshly desires, to be more like Jesus...

and to leave you with cuteness:

three months...

2010-06-29T13:57:00.006-04:00

I can't believe three months have passed by.

watching my little baby...

grow up so fast...

right before my very eyes...

breaking heart

2010-06-08T18:22:00.003-04:00

A few years ago, the christmas before Jacob and I got married, my older brother who is bipoloar and an alcoholic, came into my room, grabbed me by the arms and threw me around. I stuck my heel (i was wearing high heeled boots at the time) in his face to prevent him from coming any closer.

I moved out, feeling unsafe in my own home, temporarily.

After we got married and moved into our own apartment, my dad told me they took my brother to the doctor and got him on medication to help with his bipolar.

I'm not one necessarily for medicating, but when it's necessary. and for him, it's necessary.

Things turned around! DRASTICALLY. he not only helped mom and dad around the house, he called and congratulated me on my baby; he played with my niece and nephew; he talked to me and jacob like we were human and not the next one down on the food chain (like he did before- to me).

i knew it was only a matter of time. Bipolar has a way of messing with the victim. just when they think they are doing well, they stop taking the medication. then they spiral downward, fast and hard. i've seen this and heard of this happening so much, there is an actual section in one of my psychology books all about this.

and that's EXACTLY what happened. This time, though, he attacked my little brother. Ran after him, and started choking him.

In talking with my mother, i learned that he felt much the same way i did.

part of me is thankful...my family called me a drama queen. they didn't believe me when i told them what happened. now i know i have a tendency to over-react, but i have never felt so alone as that moment. it's no excuse, but this lead to a down-ward spiral for me. i went into a deep dark place, far away from my Savior.

I feel very broken for my family right now. My older brother is staying in a hotel (which he can't afford, so it's only time until he's thrown out of there). my family is on pins and needles not knowing if he's coming back, and what he will do when he does. my mom is scared not knowing whether or not he's even going to come back.

my heart is breaking for them. it's breaking for that which I feel God designed for it to. my heart is breaking over broken marriages that i've been seeing all over facebook and in the church and in my "sphere of influence". it's breaking for those who are loyal and get taken advantage of. it's breaking for the family members who used to be close friends, and now refuse to even call unless they need money or a ride to work or something else. my heart is breaking over my son, who i sooo desire to grow up to be a man of God, and have a stronger relationship than the one i have. and finally, my heart is breaking over the relationship i have with God right now, knowing i have been soo unfaithful and unresponsive to my Savior. i have done the very thing i said i never would do...abandoned my faith. God is so good, yet i am so evil. and yet, He has already forgiven me. because i ask. i always say, "tomorrow, i'll read my Bible and really start all over." and i fail. i ALWAYS say it and i ALWAYS fail. it's not been a priority. Pray for me. Pray that it becomes my priority. that's been my prayer...pray with me; agree with me. God is good.

catching up

2010-04-19T10:09:00.003-04:00

So, to catch up...my last blog portrayed the second most important day of my life.

the first being my wedding day.

now, most people (christians) would say, "what about when you accepted Jesus as your Lord and Savior?? what about that day??"

well...it wasn't a day.

the day i "invited" him to be a part of my life, i wasn't sincere. i went home...and wasn't sure what i was going to do about that experience...

so, i did nothing.

several months later, i decided to be serious about it, and made the changes necessary.

so...it wasn't a day. it was a year. and if anything, it's been my lifetime. and it will probably always be my lifetime. I'm constantly being challenged; transformed; molded; tested; blessed.

and isn't that the way it's supposed to be??

meanwhile...

Matthew is sleeping peacefully in his bassinet, having just eaten his fill.

I decided to attempt to grab a few moments on here, while eating my breakfast, so i can update those that read my scribbles and rantings on what's been going on...

Matthew is doing well...

he isn't sleeping through the night, but he's doing his best. he did really well last night; woke up only for feedings and went back to sleep in a timely manner! made mommy VERY happy!

he's getting big! he's put on over a whole pound since his birth day!

my baby boy is getting big!

Joy unspeakable.

2010-04-01T06:40:00.002-04:00

March 28th, we had a baby shower at my wonderful mother in laws. it was so much fun, as exhausted as i was and as "miserable" as i was. I was in a lot of pain. Baby had dropped, and was putting pressure on areas i didn't even know existed. After the baby shower, i took a detour to my sisters house to see my niece's TV debut: America's Funniest Home Videos!

Midnight: Jacob gets home from watching Wrestlemania at his Dad's house.

12:30 AM: We make it to bed. I had tried earlier to sleep, but was unsuccessful. I had Jacob rub my back for a bit before we went to bed, and that seemed to help some.

1:30 AM: my usual trip up to the bathroom. This was followed by some very mild discomfort, which i attributed to my unusual belly size and placement...I go back to bed and attempt to sleep.

2 AM: after experiencing some contractions that were increasing in intensity, i decided to attempt fate and see if they were real. I came out to the living room, where Jacob had brought in all of our things from the shower, and started going through it. I had had Braxton Hicks earlier on Sunday morning, but as soon as i stood up, they stopped. I had just come from my sisters where i told her and my mom: "I'm tired of having these fake ones...i want the real ones!"

2:30 AM: after successfully making a huge mess out of everything in our living room, bending down is no longer an option. i sit at the computer on my exercise ball, hoping to see if that either a) stops the contractions and helps with my back pain; or b) helps the contractions keep going.

2:45 AM: i decide to attempt to time contractions myself. I still had not gone to get Jacob up, b/c in my mind, i didn't want to wake him up for false contractions, only to have him go back to bed to get 2 hours of sleep for work.

3 AM: I tell myself: If i have another contraction in the next 10 minutes, i'll go and get Jacob up.

3:04 AM: i contract.

3:10 AM: I'm pulling myself off the floor and walking awkwardly to the bedroom. i stand at the door debating on what i'm going to say...

3:15 AM: Attempt number one to get Jacob up. His response: "I'll be out there in a minute."

3:30 AM: i'm still at the computer, attempting to time contractions by myself. I see they're roughly 7-9 minutes apart, but i can't tell if that's when the contraction started or when i looked at the watch...

3:45 AM: Attempt number 2 to get jacob up. His response: see above.

4 AM: Steam is coming out of my ears.

4:15 AM: my last attempt to get jacob out of bed was not only successful, but very rewarding.

5 AM: i feel a little silly, but Jacob looks over a list of the previous 45 minutes and concludes that the contractions are about 5-7 minutes apart, although they are not exactly steady. some were 5 minutes, some were 7; a couple were 2 or 3; and one was 10.

5:30 AM: we call my mom to ask for some advice. she says that she's getting ready for work, and to go on in to the hospital. "worst case scenario: they examine you and tell you to go back home."

6 AM: we're walking into the ER. I get put into a wheelchair (one of the funky looking ones, not the real ones), and they wheel me up to Family Birth place.

6:30 AM: after answering questions, the nurses go and ask the OB on call whether i stay or go...

7 AM: I stay. they start administering antibiotics as per my last test.

8 AM: they examine and see i'm dialated 3 cm and 80% effaced. I was surprisingly happy to hear that, since i didn't know if i was dialated AT ALL.

10 AM: another exam finds i'm fully effaced and 5 cm dialated. I call my best friend to wish her a happy birthday and ask if she minds sharing it. she doesn't!

12 Noon: STILL only 5 cm dialated. water still had not broken. Dr. wants to wait to break water but decides to start pitocin to get the contractions to be more regular. up until now: contractions were still very sporadic, and still only 5-7 minutes apart.

2 PM: starting to enter into "Active Labor". They up the anty on pitocin, and contractions go from 5-7 to almost 2-3. they lower the pitocin, and the contractions settle at 3-5.

2:30PM: i receive my only pain relief: an IV of some drug that i can't pronounce much less spell. it is designed to "take the edge off" and it only lasts 30 minutes. My mom and the nurse joke its my "martini".

3 PM: Round two of cocktail hour. I actually get to nap between contractions, which is probably the BEST part about my delivery...

3:50 PM: i feel an immense pressure...almost to start pushing....

4 PM: Dr. comes in: 10 cm dialated! "PRAISE GOD!" i shout. i had been praying for the last hour to get there...inbetween cocktails....lol...

4:05 PM: Dr. breaks my water. i push.

4:39 PM: Matthew Levi Dobscha comes crying into the room: weighing an astonishing 6 pounds and 15 ounces, 19.5 inches long.

I hear Dr. say, "bring me more sutres." at least twice. not a good sign.

i get lots of happy pain relief.

and only the most precious face ever. staring at me. even when he's crying, i'm overwhelmed with love.

Beautiful!

36 weeks

2010-03-10T12:05:00.002-05:00

For being (almost) 36 weeks pregnant, I feel really good. I picked up a head cold from my dear mama, but other than that, I'm feeling really good! And if this is the ONLY sickness I've had all pregnancy (aside from morning sickness), I'm doing really well!!

The weather has turned warmer (Thank God!). I never really considered myself to become depressed during different seasons, but I think I was starting to. I hated having to cancel all my fun plans due to snow. I hated having to worry about getting to work because the roads were covered with snow.

But! It's over...for now! YAY!

I'm rejoicing today with the front door open, the heater is off...and I'm considering opening the windows...

On other news...

My grandmother and I went to Target this morning to get my stroller.

They didn't have it in the store. They said they "should" get it in, but are unsure if/when it will come in. They suggested going to Charlottesville......so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to Charlottesville and get the one I really want...from Babies R Us. :o)

What is funny is that this is only the 10th time it has happened...

My crib, maybe twice. My changing table, twice; stroller, twice; carseat, three times; rocking chair, twice!

ish.

The last few months have gone something along those lines.

::sigh::

I can't help BUT laugh every time I hear something I registered for is going to be discontinued or something...

But it's been a good morning despite that! My grandmother and I walked around target while she did her shopping, and she had my niece with her b/c she wasn't feeling well, so I got to see her for a little bit today.

LOVE LOVE LOVE the spring like weather!

Baby Update!

2010-03-02T14:04:00.003-05:00

I suppose it's been a while since I posted any updates on baby and our progress....

So:

As of last Friday, I was 34 weeks. The doctor says he's looking a little big and could come early, but at my next appointment we'll do another ultrasound to figure out his size and everything.

The nursery is coming along! My mom and I went to Charlottesville to get a crib from Babies R Us, but they didn't have any in stock that we liked, so we drove to Richmond. On our way to Babies R Us, we stopped at Target thinking they would have more than what we have here. Sure enough, there was a Graco crib that I hadn't seen at the Target in Harrisonburg. We bought it and came home! Later we went to the Target in town to get the mattress, and sure enough, there was the crib!

Jacob and his mom worked hard on cleaning out the nursery and making room for the crib, and it looks amazing! There was so much junk in there that I wasn't sure what it was going to look like, but it looks great!

I'm still working, and will probably work right up until he comes. I'm debating on taking a vacation week the week of my due date, if he hasn't come by then, just to give me some extra time, but I'm not going to be getting paid maternity leave anymore. It's disappointing, because of all the work I did to try to make sure I got it, but it happens, and there's nothing I can do about it now. And I'm not going to wear myself out trying to get my hours up to where they need to be to get maternity pay. I can barely do all the hours I'm doing now, and the housework, so, working 40 hours the next several weeks is out of the question.

At the appointment today, the doctor came in and said everything looks fine!

"by the sweat of your brow"

2010-01-31T13:01:00.002-05:00

Jacob and i work hard. we work hard to save up for a house, and, as we were talking last night, our new goal insight is for our 5 year anniversary: going on a cruise to either one of two places: Europe or the Caribbean.

Honestly, if one of us didn't work (as what happened last year at this time), we would very quickly get bored...out of our minds! We enjoy getting out of the house, and seeing people, meeting people and helping people through our jobs.

not only do we get a sense of reward, but satisfaction after a long, hard day, when we know we completed our tasks to the best of our ability. We experience frustration when we know we could have done better, or were prevented from whatever situation from doing our best.

do we always enjoy our job? no. do we always want to go to work? no. there are some days when we go in simply for the paycheck. those days are the hardest.

however, we also gain a lot of satisfaction when we don't have to go to family members every month asking for help for rent, or for groceries, or for gas money. it's also hard to not to gain a little bit of pride when family members come to us for the same thing...

but, i digress....

the last several months, we've had several family members come to us and tell us we need to sign up for government assistance. if it were a year ago, i'd consider it, because especially not knowing when Jacob would find a job again, it probably would've been helpful.

however, i've looked it up. we make too much for WIC. after talking with one of my sisters in law, she was concerned that if her husband got a job, their gov't assistance would decrease. I tried telling her, yes...but with a job, he could make more than what the gov't is giving him. they could save up for a car, a house, or a vacation.

i know what these well-intentioned family members are trying to do: help us come up with solutions so that i could stay home with our son.

yes...that would be ideal. but i also want our son to have the best of both worlds...and right now, that's exactly what he's going to have. i have a job where i can work 2o hours a week and we'd be financially fine! and still be able to put money in our savings! but i will still be home with him lots and lots!

will it be hard leaving him? HECK yes. but, i want our son to have the experiences i had growing up, and then some. my parents owned their own home, and while yes...at times money was scarce, my parents worked hard, and got ahead. now, they are more financially free than the majority of the country.

the meaning of this blog....

why settle for a handout, when you could be the one helping those who really need it?

God...I'm so mad at You!

2010-01-25T14:02:00.002-05:00

It's amazing when the Creator of the universe wants us to talk with Him.

and it blows my mind...

Just like a jealous lover, He will do WHATEVER He can to keep us talking.

When we may not feel like talking, He will try to prompt us, by showing us a beautiful sunset, or by having an unexpected blessing show up on our door; all to get us to say, "Thank you, Lord. I see You haven't forgotten about me, and that You still care."

But what about when we're angry, upset, or feel abandoned?

Firstly, we're never abandoned. He is ALWAYS there with us...whether or not we see Him or sense Him. (Deu.t 31: 6, 8; Josh 1:5; 1 Kings 8:57). That's truth. That's not a theory, or a guess; it's TRUTH.

Secondly, it's perfectly ok to be angry with God. It's perfectly ok to be emotional with God.

Just whatever you do, don't close the communication with God. Even if all you say is, "God...I can't deal with You right now; I'm too angry, " then just say that. Don't let a communication barrier form with you and the Creator of all.

Yesterday morning, during worship at our church, I was experiencing some spiritual attacks. My mind was racing with all the reasons I didn't want to be in our church, and why I didn't want to be anywhere near this or that situation, and what has happened over the last two years.

I felt/feel completely and totally lost, abandoned, alone, and (the word that stuck out to me most) exposed.

I felt/feel as though God refused to protect me from the things I've experienced. I've had people gossip about me behind my back, turn their back on me when I went to them for prayer (literally), I've had people purposefully exclude me from activities, throw my past in my face despite the fact I'd repented and received forgiveness for it, among many other situations.

And I blamed/blame God. He brought me to this church. He wanted me to become involved. He wanted me to open my heart to these people only to have it trampled on and have people tell me that it will never work, and to have all support withdrawn!

Why God?! To show me that i was naive?! To help me to "grow up"? Where are You in this??

Before I go on any further, I will say this: He has given me some good and fruitful relationships at this place; but, yet, I still dread going every Sunday. For those who are real friends, Thank you. I plan on telling each of you what you mean to me and how you've shown Christ to me when I thought He was absent from my life. But each of you have. Wes and Margaret, Doris, Ellen, Kathie, and several others; you've really reached out to me...thank you!

I've experienced community in its truest form. I've been apart of home fellowship at the purest of times. It is in those times I've grown closest to God more than any other time. It is one of the healthiest form of growth.

Yet, over the last two years, I've wanted NOTHING to do with community. I didn't want to go to anyone's house and fellowship. A fellowship meal is more a burden to me than a joy. It makes me very sad to see the difference in healthy fellowship and unhealthy fellowship. It's always obvious when two people or families don't get along, and yet, they attend the same fellowship dinner, and are forced to be civil; yes...it's awkward.

I was ready to leave and go back to my old church over it. But I've been struggling over it because I knew God called me here for a reason, even though I have yet to see it.

God broke through the noise yesterday morning, and told me I was called here. And for the first time in two years, I didn't take a deep breath and say, fine...whatever, God. I said, "God...I'm SO angry with You!"

Tears flowed as they haven't in many many months...

The communication opened back up, and I was able to tell Him why I've been so angry with him.

The feelings...they're still there. It will take time for those to go away. But, it's the first step that's always the hardest...and I've taken it.

God, I'm no longer convincing myself to believe it when I say You are good. I now can proclaim that it's not only truth, but true in my life too. Thank You, Lord, for giving me time, and not letting me go.

Unspeakable. Lord, no words can define how I'm feeling now, but i love You!

God provides...

2010-01-08T10:54:00.002-05:00

this week has been a crazy week! we've had funerals, and viewings, and i've had things to do to get ready for baby, when he decides to grace us with his presence!

Made an appt to meet a pediatrician, to get pre-registered at the hospital, lots and lots of doctors appts.

as well as getting registered for baby stuff!

it only took me 4 hours!

I went to target and JCPenney and registered there. I'm trying to stay away from the newborn things, since if i get too many, i won't use them, and i know i'll need 3-6, 6-9, and 9-12 months more!

one thing that i noticed was something similar as when i registered for wedding gifts. "what if we don't get what we need and can't afford to buy it?!"

what if we don't get a crib, or a carseat, or a stroller, or whatever...

the most expensive things always weigh heavy on my mind!

God provided for us when we got married. i mean...we got an apartment only 2 weeks after we got married, and jacob had only gotten ONE paycheck from his new job....

we actually have some money saved up now...God is good! how can i doubt his provision??

Lord, forgive me for doubting your goodness! you are our provider and we will rely heavily on you to provide. if you don't give us a house we still have a roof over our heads...

if you don't give me a new job..i'm still working..

Lord, you have provided for us in every way imaginable, and then some ways not so imaginable...

could i forget when Jacob was laid off of work for two months, we didn't know how bills were going to get paid and a mysterious envelope of money was dropped off at our front door??!!

Lord, you are good! you provide for us in every way! we believe you will not only provide for us this time, but that you will draw our son to You, and let him serve You in a way only You can dream up for him! place dreams in his mind even NOW.

use him for your kingdom, Lord. that is my hearts desire! help me to be the mom you created me to be! help Jacob to be the dad you created him to be! Lord, you are good!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-02T07:53:00.002-05:00

We rang in the new year at a friends house, came home and was in bed and asleep by 1 am!

woke up to be at work by 9...worked all day, came home, and was in excruciating back pain.

My hip has been popping out of place, squeezing some very tender muscles. I now know what it is, and desire to fix it, but my chiropractors office is closed until the 4th. so...i wait.

in pain.

this morning, i FEEL better, but i know it's temporary because as soon as i go to work and am on my feet for longer than 5 minutes, it will start hurting all over again.

today, my husband is on his way to winchester to take medicine up to his grandfather, and visiting with him. i'm going to work, again, and looking forward to the weekend....(MY weekend). Sunday we're going to look at a few houses after church, and then monday, i have off of work. i work only tuesday next week and then am taking VACATION. i never thought the time would come! it's great! i need it after the holiday and work.

Happy new year everyone!

We're looking forward to the new year:

A baby...

Maybe a house...

and maybe a job change for me...

good stuff is happening. it's exciting!

oh the joys!

2009-12-28T18:44:00.003-05:00

Christmas has come and gone...

now on to the new year...

i don't think the new year will be as fun and exciting as last year. i work the entire week, opening both new years eve and new years day. not too fun.

the most exciting part of the next few weeks: i'm taking vacation time off of work!

My hopes for this time:

a) to get registered at target and walmart for baby stuff

b) to get the office cleaned out to make room for baby and all the baby stuff

c) to relax and de-stress after the holidays.

I have been told from some family members that I am WAY too big, and that i should ask my doctor to check for twins.

at my appointment this morning, i asked my doctor. he said, "People should just keep their mouths shut. You're perfectly normal size and measurement for the ONE baby that is in there!"

i know i shouldn't let it get to me...but when i already feel fat and gross and disgusting...the LAST thing i want to hear from people who supposedly love me is that i'm huge.

i really love being pregnant, but there is another situation that is ruining it for me:

i've had the same family members corner me in the kitchen on CHRISTMAS day...

to interrogate me about baby names.

We haven't come to any conclusions...we're trying to find SOME that we like and the meanings are something that will edify our son to be a man of God and someone that will help build the Kingdom of God.

yet...these family members cornered me and began asking me about what names we've chosen. when i explained that we haven't had any yet, they were saying, "what are they?"

"i just said, we haven't picked any out! we just started talking about it this week and seriously looking at BOY names this week!"

"ok...well...please just run them by us...we want to help you with...ya know...names and nicknames.."

"why?"

"we just don't want you to pick anything out that's too gay!"

"Gay?! like what?"

"like evan, or Owen, or..."

"HOLD up. Owen is a family name on my grandmothers side...that's not 'too gay!'"

now...i realize that yes...again, i may be taking this too personally...

but if these SAME people don't TRUST me or my husband to name our child something appropriate, then are they going to trust us to raise our child?

Doubt it.

and i'm not one to go to family functions only to be ridiculed for how i raise my children!

if this keeps up, i can't imagine myself even wanting to be with this family during get togethers!

i'm not one to push away advice, but if it's given with prejudice, i dismiss it almost immediately. and the only reason i say "almost" is that i have to remind myself every time that they mean well and that Godly advice can come in all forms...

i say "with prejudice" because these family members are assuming this is the first time i've ever cared for a child!

now...i admit, a boy is intimidating. but when my niece was born, i was there nearly every day, helping change her diaper...feed a bottle (when my sister was unable to breastfeed)...burp the baby...rock her to sleep. there was even a little joke that my mom made that if my sister had problems, give her to me, and i'll get her to sleep.

and i understand boys are different. i've changed my nephews diapers...helped him as much as i could, but with work and school wasn't able to be there QUITE as much. i regret that, b/c as it seems, i'm not as close with my nephew as i would like to be, but, it happens. i can only change the future.

plus...i believe God created me to be a mother. i never would have thought this before i was married. yet, i started to see in myself a nurturing, motherly side of myself that i never saw in myself before i got married. and since getting pregnant, it has increased 10 fold. i can not imagine myself without children now, and am MOVED beyond hormones for children other than my own!

for these family members to assume something about me is beyond hurtful. i know i'm currently more sensitive because of the hormones, but, it is hurtful that they don't trust me to name my own child let alone raise him!

and it is beyond hurtful that they would feel the need to tell me they don't trust me. i can handle gossip behind my back...i've been taking it since i could remember. whatever.

but...i am an adult...right? and jacob....he too, is an adult....right?

i mean...we got married. we own our own cars. we have our own place. we pay our bills; we have money in our account; we have some in savings...

and we don't ask a whole lot from our parents...

we don't ask them for money...or to take care of situations for us....

in fact, we do it for them!

we give our parents money!

we take care of our parents situations FOR THEM!

so in that way, aren't we more mature than they are?

so, let me get this straight.

i need to get approval from people who can barely make their own payments on their own purchases, who can barely stay faithful to their own families, because i'm incapable of making the decisions for myself?

it's hard not to be upset by this...but because i've had good blood pressure up to this point, i'm trying really hard to remain calm, and composed. but it's frustrating. everytime i go to their house, am i going to be bombarded until the baby comes?

our plan was to not tell anyone what names we picked out were. right now, our plan is to come up with the most ridiculous names we could think of, and tell them that's what we have decided on, just to see what kind of response we get.

sad that's how we have to do it, huh?

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T22:12:00.002-05:00

Merry Christmas!

I had a wonderful Christmas...and I wasn't sure if i would until yesterday sometime. I was experiencing a lot of holiday stress and was letting it affect me. After talking with a very VERY dear friend, I spent some time praying (during work and after), and realized that Jesus doesn't care. He loves me. He lived and died for my salvation...not so that I can have a clean and organized home, or bake that perfect pie under the most imperfect of conditions, or be completely comfortable in the most uncomfortable conditions.

He came. He lived. He died. He conquered. He rose again.

What perfection!

There's a little girl I'm asking all of you to pray for, Mary Furr. Her mom is Margaret Furr and her blog is: http://margaret-robertslife.blogspot.com/2009/12/christmas-eve.html

Meanwhile, the spoiling continues! Jacob COMPLETELY spoiled me for Christmas!

I KNEW I was getting a Pampered Chef Deep Covered Dish Baker. And that alone was more than half our budget. But he COMPLETELY surprised me with a jewelry armoire! I have been wanting one since i was probably close to 12. it's about 2.5-3 feet tall, dark colored wood, and is absolutely wonderful! I did not expect that at all! i already put all my jewelry in it, and can't wait to fill it up!

our day was very full, but very relaxed and very enjoyable! i loved having the time to enjoy our family and really enjoyed hanging out with my in laws! i've been awake since 6 AM and it is now 10:30, and knowing i have to get up at 6:30 tomorrow morning (at the latest!), i'm wiped. but it's a good kind of wiped out. :-) I'm content!

a lesson learned...

2009-12-14T23:12:00.002-05:00

one lesson i've learned over the years...

careful of what and whom you judge...

We judge others character...

the spiritual fruit we may see in others...

others reactions to various circumstances...

among many other situations...

when i was younger, i judged the men i dated, and wanted to date. i always said i would never date anyone younger than me....

i married a man younger than me...

a friend of mine and i lost contact after graduation. a couple of years later, i got a call from this dear friend, and discovered that in the 2 months previous, she had gotten married, and then discovered she was pregnant.

by this point, i took things from my friends as they told me. I don't know if that's really how it was, or if she was pregnant when she got married. who am i to judge? who am i to really care?

a mutual friend and i were discussing this event. i expressed wanting to get her a gift for the baby, her new husband, etc...

she called this friend of mine a 'whore' and then a liar and said that she was not only pregnant when she got married, but she was hiding that fact by lying to everyone about it.

i said, 'that's my friend. i don't appreciate you talking about her like that. i don't know if it's true or not, but still."

last year, this mutual friend of mine (we're not very close and haven't been since) had a baby with no man in sight.

i want to say "what comes around, goes around," but the more Biblical phrase i would think would be "a man reaps what he sows." or "do not judge, and you will not be judged."

Daddy-to-do list

2009-12-12T08:49:00.004-05:00

My wonderful husband!

He likes to surf the web, and read blogs, and keep up to date with some of his favorite pastors.

One of these pastors is Mark Driscoll. He's written several Christian Inspiration books, and I've heard a couple of his sermons on podcasts. He's a very interesting pastor with a very interesting technique. But, he does have a heart for God and for families.

This last week or so, Jacob brought home a Daddy-to-do list for Christmas. I thought it was super special, and wanted to share it with all of you.

You can find this on Mark Driscoll's blog. However, I don't know what the address is, so if you search Mark Driscoll and Mars Hill Church, you should be able to find it....

The bold marks are as they are in his blog, too, by the way. I just want to thank Jacob for bringing this home and showing me. I'm saddened to know that this isn't the way I was brought up, but excited to know that this is the way my children will grow up.

Daddy-to-do List:

"Tis the season for Dad to drop the holiday ball, stress out as the money is being spent for presents, and miss yet another providential opportunity to lovingly lead his family. So, this blog is intended to help dads not fall into the same old rut of holiday humdrum, sitting on the couch watching football and eating carbs, but rather intentionally plan out the upcoming holiday season. Our children grow quickly and if we miss the sacred moments God opens up for us to connect with and bless our families, everyone suffers and we set in motion generations of missed opportunity.

1. Dad needs a plan for the holidays to ensure that his family is loved and memories are made. Dad, what's your plan?
2. Dad needs to check the local guides for what's going on to make fun holiday plans for the family.
3. Dad needs to carve out time for sacred events and experiences to build family traditions that are fun and point to Jesus. Dad, is your calendar ready for December?
4. Dad needs to not let the stress of the holidays, including money, cause him to be grumpy with Mom or the kids. Dad, how's your joy?
5. Dad needs to give experiences and not just gifts. Dad what special memories can you make this holiday season?
6. Dad needs to manage the extended family and friends during the holidays. Dad, who or what do you need to say "no" to?
7. Dad needs to ensure his family is giving generously during the holidays. Dad who in need is your family going to adopt and bless?
8. Dad needs to schedule a big Christmas daddy date with his daughter. Dad, what's your big plan for the fancy daddy date?
9. Dad needs to schedule guy time with his son. Dad, what are you and your son going to do that is active, outdoors, and fun?
10. Dad needs to help Mom get the house decorated. Dad, are you really a big help to Mom with getting things ready?
11. Dad needs to ensure some holiday smells and sound. Dad, is Christmas music on the iPod, is the tree up, and can you smell the cookies and cider in your house?
12. Dad needs to snuggle up and watch some fun shows with the kids, especially the little ones. Dad, is the DVR set?
13. Dad needs to take the family on a drive to see Christmas lights while listening to music and sipping cider. Dad, is it mapped out?
14. Dad needs to help Mom get the kids' rooms decorated. Dad, do the little kids get lights or a small tree in their room?
15. Dad needs to read about Jesus and pray over his kids. Dad, how's your pastoral work going with each of your kids?
16. Dad needs to repent of being lazy, selfish, grumpy, or just dumping the holidays on Mom. Dad, are you a servant like Jesus to your family?

moving around!

2009-11-30T09:26:00.002-05:00

Usually at the end of the day, my stomach starts to pop.

It kind of looks like a bag of popcorn....except there is no popcorn inside of my stomach....

hmmm...that reminds me.....

popcorn......yum...

anyway....

Bunny trail!

I don't see a hand or a foot, yet, but I see my stomach going "POP"....."pop"...."POPOPOPOPOP".

Baby boy is moving around, getting comfortable.

It's really comical. I put my hand on my stomach, and talk to him...and he'll move around a bit, and I'll play with him, by poking my stomach a bit...

He only likes to move around either really late at night or early in the morning...like right now, I feel him a bit. I don't consider it too early, but I'm also still attempting to wake up.

The other night, I put Jacob's hand on my stomach, and told him to wait for 5 or 10 minutes. He had yet to really feel him move, so as we were getting ready to go to sleep (during high movement time), I put his hand on my stomach, and we waited. And waited. And waited. after about 5 minutes, there was no movement (Baby boy is stubborn....just like his daddy...and mommy). I poked around my stomach and said, "Come on...I know this is the time you want to move around..." And sure enough, he started moving around, and he apparently didn't like me poking him, so he kicked right where Jacob's hand was! The first big kick! He scared me...i wasn't expecting a kick; i was expecting a rolling around. I said, "OH! did you feel that?!" and Jacob said, "yeah! that was the baby??" "Of course! what else could it be?!"

Lately, I've been having symptoms of what i think is a sinus infection...have all the symptoms. I have been talking with those around me who've recently had babies, and they all said that they had the symptoms of a sinus infection but with out the infection...which i guess i can handle...i'd rather not have an infection seeing how i can't take antibiotics, exactly....

I'm laughing a lot right now...a lot of people have commented on how BIG i've become...

well...

the news is:

i've not gained any weight. literally.

before i got pregnant, i was losing weight. i lost about 5 pounds, then found out i was pregnant. so, in the 4 and a half months since, I have only put on that 5 pounds, and maybe a few ounces.

it's all baby.

Our darling baby boy!

2009-11-25T09:13:00.002-05:00

These are the 20 week ultrasound pictures of our beautiful baby boy!

I was scared to learn what was growing and kicking inside of me was a boy...honestly. I am far more comfortable with a girl, however, I knew deep DEEP down that God was going to give us a boy.

I could sit here and say, "Just my luck...of course He would give us a boy to challenge me and my thinking and teaching..."

But that is not the case.

The whole reason I knew...

I dreamed a dream.

I know this may be silly to some of you...

Many years ago, before Jacob and I were even dating, I had a dream.

I didn't admit to myself that I had feelings for this man...let alone to anyone else, until I had this dream.

It wasn't anything glamorous. But it involved my husband and a little boy sitting on a couch in a house and me, carrying a laundry basket.

I didn't know at the time it was a promise from God. Then, we got married. I started to clue in.

"Maybe this is something bigger than us."

Yes. We are but small grains of sand.

This baby boy of ours is another evidence of God's promise! Almost saying, "I haven't forgotten."

Don't neglect your dreams. They may be selfish. They may be materialistic. They may be down-right silly. But they may be from God. And those dreams, when lived out, are much better than to be expected.

so many random thoughts

2009-10-19T11:47:00.002-04:00

*you know you're pregnant when you can walk outside in 30 degree weather in a t-shirt and jeans and be comfortable...

*i've never been to a chiropractor before. i am so glad i have been now...

*my sister has the swine flu! please pray for her and that her kids do not get it!

*i'm really glad we didn't go over to their house yesterday...that could've been really bad...

*i really want to eat! but why can't i stand to look at food???

thinking...

2009-10-05T12:40:00.002-04:00

i find that when i think, i get into trouble. i think about all the bad stuff. i think about how to deal with it. i then become disgruntled with my life and situations.

not that thinking is bad, mind you. it's good! but i don't just think...i DWELL.

and for some reason, my brain is practically made to dwell on the bad stuff....

like, for example:

my job. i'm 3 months pregnant, and i got to work every day and put on an apron. i was REALLY hoping to be at a different job by the time i got pregnant, but, that didn't happen. i really don't want to be 4 months pregnant and working in the cafe, but it's looking like i'm not goign to have much of a choice.

my home. i really would love to be able to paint my baby's nursery, but our landlord doesn't want us to hang pictures, let alone, PAINT.

my husband. i LOVE him. i really do! i have the utmost respect for him. he provides for me and our child, and he loves us unconditionally. yet, the one thing i think about is not that he loves us, or that he's faithful to me and to God, or not even all the hard work he does around the house. what i think about: why can't he do the dishes? it's the ONE thing i have asked him to help me out with. and with my back pain, the LAST thing i want to do is work 8.5 hours, all day on my feet, come home, make dinner, and then have to wash and dry all the dishes...

i don't want our child brought into a home where i am constantly down, or always putting my husband down, or having nothing but negative thoughts.

Lord, transform my mind to be more like you. Filter my thoughts so that they glorify You and Your creation. Transform my thinking!

earlier i mentioned back pain. i don't know why, or if it's even pregnancy related, but i have had the WORST back pain in my lower right side. i can't explain it...but i can't move when it's hurting....i tried calling the doctors office last friday, but they were closed a half hour early. oh well....this will be the last time i use their services! :o)

latest

2009-10-02T17:36:00.003-04:00

This weekend marks the beginning of my 12th week of pregnancy. soo excited! i've had less and less morning sickness (PRAISE YOU JESUS!), and i've had lots and lots more energy...which isn't really saying a lot, b/c i had ZERO before, but i am feeling more energized.

the only problem i am facing now:

I found out my 4th week that i have a cycst on my right ovaries. this hasn't been a problem until this week, when i suspect it's starting to "dissolve" itself....which is the most painful thing ever.

i have never had a cycst before, but from those who have, i've learned that as they "pop" you see a little trail of bleeding. however, i've not seen that. so i'm not sure if it's dissolving or not (i love the term "dissolving"....that's how the doctor referred to it going away...).

so i'm in lots of pain. weird thing is...it's in my back.

and i love the sympathy i get from work. i can't bend down. i can't pick up things. i can't move very well.

"oh you're such a wimp."

"how's this for wimp? Stick a fork three inches into your soft back tissue, twist it 10 times. leave it there. go about your daily routine....oh, and imagine having a stomach flu...but you can't throw up, because you work around food. try it. then see how ya feel. oh and you can't take any medication b/c you're allergic to it all..."

that's what i'm dealing with. i love being told to "suck it up and deal...wimp" when i have tears in my eyes from the pain.

painting pictures of Egypt

2009-08-26T20:52:00.003-04:00

The song by Sara Groves came onto my radio leaving my best friends house after a bitter-sweet meeting with my cell leader.

The song "Painting Pictures of Egypt" describes EXACTLY how i feel right about now.

Lyrics:

"I don'ting to want to leave here
I don't want to stay,
It feels like pinch me either way.
The places I long for the most are the places where I've been
They are calling after me like a long lost friend.
It's not about losing faith,
It's not about trust,
It's all about comfortable when you move so much.
The place I was wasn't perfect but I had found a way to live.
It wasn't milk or honey but then neither is this.

I've been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what it lacked.
The future feels so hard and I want to go back.
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned
and those roads were closed off to me
while my back was turned.

The past is so tangible, I know it by heart
Familiar things are never easy to discard.
I was longing for some freedom
But now I hesitate to go,
I am caught between the promise and the things I know.

I've been painting pictures of Egypt leaving out what it lacked.
The future feels so hard and I want to go back.
But the places that used to fit me cannot hold the things I've learned
And those roads were closed off to me while my back was turned.

If it comes too quick
I may not recognize it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand.

If it comes too quick,
I may not appreciate it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand."

I never really heard this song...i mean...i've owned the CD for YEARS! and i thought the song was pretty...

but i've never really connected to the song. it's one of those songs that i listen to 10 years later and finally "CLICK".

I loved Cornerstone. it had/has its faults. but i loved it. even today, i was thinking about going back. i debated what would happen with Jacob and I if we went to separate churches.

i have serious doubts about bringing a baby into this current church.

when we announced our pregnancy, people who haven't spoken to me in two months were coming up and congratulating me. People who haven't spoken to me in six months were ignoring me and walking up to Jacob congratulating him.

I don't want to have a baby just to be considered apart of this church. And if those "certain" people think they can get near my baby just because they cherish JACOB as a member of that body, but completely ignore me....they are sadly mistaken.

I KNOW Jacob is special. I wouldn't have given him a second thought if I didn't think he was special, let alone marry the man. But, at a church, where one person is special....ALL are supposed to be special. I'm not special just because i'm connected to Jacob. that's ridiculous. I'm special because i'm a member of the family of God.

I know I've looked back too much at my old church, "painting pictures." I know that's wrong. BUT...when the future looks as scary as the present, it's near impossible to go forward, without wanting to run away.

The past is sooooo tangible. I can almost taste it. It was good. I grew so much. MUCH more than in the last two years even.

Yet, even the roads to my past are closed off to me.....while my back was turned. Cornerstone is a much different place now. Pastor Tim has left. My cell leader is stepping down. The familiar faces have disappeared. The few that remain are different than when I was there. maybe that's not a bad thing, but it's hard to go back to something that's completely different than you remember.

Lord, take my pictures. take me. take this church. transform it. mold it to be something that glorifies you. Let us radiate You. You know we have problems growing. let the problem not be that we don't shine You everyday. transform us to be more and more like you. give me wisdom. be with me. every sunday. I NEED You. More than water, more than life itself...i NEED You.

Annnnnndddddddddd, We're off!

2009-08-26T16:21:00.003-04:00

just got an email from jacob about all our weekends in september...

between that email and birthday weekends, i BETTER get the apartment cleaned because this is probably going to be my last opportunity to clean.....

annoying parts of being pregnant...

2009-08-25T17:43:00.002-04:00

*Constantly being asked, "any weird cravings, yet?" if i have, what's it to you, and if i haven't, why are you so surprised?

*"What names are you looking at?" If we wanted you to know, we would've told you.

*people dismissing my morning sickness. if i can't stand upright...i may not be able to just "get over it."

*being "fat" not quite "pregnant" yet...

Every day is a revolution

2009-08-24T16:44:00.002-04:00

ttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JAH_V3gb5c

Brad Paisley has a new song out. I couldn't remember what it was called, so I had to do some digging.

It's called "Welcome to the Future."

It's full of irony (Brad Paisley style), and it's full of wisdom (Brad Paisley style).

There's a line in this song that says, "Everyday is a revolution."

Embrace it. Everyday is a revolution.

Are we ready?

Today is a revolution...if you let it..

long time...new news...

2009-08-23T16:19:00.003-04:00

Many of you have heard, and if not, then you will hear now:

Jacob and I are expecting a baby in April 2010!

We are GREATLY excited.

I fight a little morning sickness just about everyday and purely exhausted 99.9% of the time. Other than that, I'm feeling fine!

We're about 7 weeks along; we've heard the heartbeat, and baby sounds healthy!!

I have been spending a lot of time wondering what kind of parents we will be...

Will I be stressed, like my mom? Or distant, guilt-ridden like my dad?

I know that Jacob will be a good dad. I'm not worried about him at all. But I do wonder if we will meet the needs of our children. How do we instill the Word of God in this being without pushing him or her away from Father God? Will we give each child the right amount of attention to avoid "middle-child-syndrome"?

Lord, You are good. I submit myself to You, asking You to shape me into the woman of God You desire for me to be... Help me to be the mother You desire for my children to see. Shape my character so that You are all they see. Show me Your ways.

back to the grind...

2009-06-17T11:30:00.002-04:00

She stood there- Alone.

Hm- she thought cynically. There's that word again.

She has experienced a lot of that word--Alone.

As she thought back through the last year, the move from Paris, to the end of her relationships here, to losing her job - and her father (the only family she has ever known), she picked up the razor and touched it to her skin. The cold blade pressed down on her skin as the warm water ran off of her body.

"Tempting," she found herself saying out loud with a heavy chuckle. She pulled the razor up her calve as tears ran down her face, getting lost in the shower water.

OK guys. thanks for reading.

when i was younger, i always wanted to be a writer of some sorts. i LOVED writing short stories (longer than this little....THING), and when i was introduced to Jesus, i wanted to write things that glorified Him.

yet, a few years ago, i lost it. amibition, drive, creativity, you name it and i lost it. my short stories and notes i had went to a folder i have yet to find, but they stayed hidden for close to 5 years now.

so this morning when i started getting these phrases in my head, i HAD to put them on paper, and they started forming a story.

not a pleasant one, but one none the less.

for example, reading the above paragraphs make you scared, and saddened, right? they should! there are many people out there hurting in this manner, where they are tempted and follow through with self afflicted wounds, and who ARE alone.

who are we to them? are we companionship? are we love? are we listeners? are we pray-ers? what do we do for them? do we wrap our arms around them? do we give them hope?

now, this little snippet of words is no where near my best, and my ideal. it's the first thing i've written in 5 years!! i'm not expecting the Illiad and i hope you're not either!

also, this is NOT based on any particular person. Paris came from watching too much Gilmore Girls.

all this means is i'm more motivated...maybe....who knows? ;-)

i wish i could not be sick anymore...

2009-06-05T22:41:00.004-04:00

So...

today at work, i worked for maybe 5 minutes, before having to sit down before i passed out. this hasn't happened in several years, but i basically knew how to handle myself when this DOES happen, however, b/c i was at work, i tried to push myself and pushed myself too hard.

i sat down on the floor of the cafe, which, no, isn't the ideal place to rest, but when i had cold sweats, it felt good. from where i was sitting, i crawled over to the phone to page Kris, the manager on duty. she came up, and i said, "i feel like i'm going to pass out." she told me to put my head between my legs and to sit still. i did for about 5 minutes, then crawled over to the trash can to get sick. now, i haven't done that in YEARS! i, in fact, never throw up. i can't even remember the last time i threw up....but today, was a first.

i sat there a few minutes, and couldn't stop. it was not fun. Kris came over, and she got me some crackers and water, and that helped a bit. i attempted to stand up to go to the bathroom, and that wasn't fun...had some trouble walking...but made it without hurting myself.

earlier this week, i battled a cold, with a runny nose, drainage, the whole nine yards....

two weeks ago, i had strep throat.

i am SO ready NOT to be sick anymore.

first of all: Heather, we are praying for Brandt, and his recovery. know this: i truly think you will be rewarded for your patient endurance and so will Brandt.

secondly: I am NOT pregnant. i am SURE Kris will ask me, but i am NOT. it was NOT morning sickness (Mother nature confirmed that tonight).....

meanwhile, this weekend, we are headed up to PA to see Jacob's cousin Katie's high school graduation party. we will be missing out on the actual graduation, as that is happening tonight, but we will be there for the party.

and in a few more weeks, we will be celebrating our one year anniversary. i hope and PRAY that i will NOT be sick for that! i want to ENJOY it more than i did our wedding day....

anyway, we will be praying for all who are sick...if you could pray for us! :o)

the first year

2009-06-01T19:21:00.002-04:00

June 1st.

hard to believe, that in 27 days, we will have been married for 1 year.

1 year ago, at this time, i don't know if i can say exactly what i was doing. probably trying to avoid wedding planning. i can't understand why people do it for a living. my experience was less than desirable. the only thing i can say is this: Praise Jesus it's only once!

if i were to go back and go through it again (PLEASE, LORD! NO!), i would have done a LOT of things differently.

obviously, the 1 bridesmaid who didn't partake in anything, would be removed.

the two that talked about me behind my back would be different people.

and the one who did everything for me, would be held in higher honor.

and the one thing that i wished SOMEONE would've told me:

"The first year of marriage is the loneliest."

would i have listened?

Probably not. but i would've been fore-warned.

would i have cared?

Not too much. my thinking was: my friends will always be there for me!

yes, a few have stuck around. some have disappeared, and others are coming out of the woodworks, while others are running into the woodworks!

but i was naive. to say the least.

when i got married, i was very far from God. went to church for the main reason i knew if i didn't i would probably disappoint Jacob, and because i knew if i didn't, there would be no turning around. i still feared God. i just didn't care what He had to say about anything.

6 months later, i tried to turn my life around on my own. but that didn't work. i could say positive things. i could do good things, but that wouldn't mean anything if Christ wasn't behind it...and He wasn't.

4 months ago, Jesus finally grabbed ahold of me again. am i where i want to be?

NO.

am i happy where i am?

a little more-so.

am i still lonely?

yep.

do i have friends that love me?

yep.

does that really matter?

nope.

"only for the lonely, o Lord, i find that you are drawing me closer to this vine."

through adversity....greatness.

2009-04-24T09:02:00.005-04:00

i don't typically watch the news; it's usually just too depressing and with all the scrolls going at the top, bottom and behind the news reporter, i can't keep up!

BUT i did hear something disturbing this morning. Secretary Janet Napolitano issued a report with Homeland security making aware of "Right-wing Terrorists." as i researched online, i learned that in a footnote, she described these "Right-wing Terrorists" as people "who oppose abortion and immigration".

The news reporter on TV reported that the footnote read as people who oppose abortion and are against gay marriage.

Jacob informed me that if you are among these "beliefs" (ie: religions that oppose abortion and gay marriage), then you are on a "watch-list."

My family came over to America in the late 1700's to escape very much similar religious persecution. they escaped Germany to the Netherlands, and from there, to America, where we've settled all across the country. we had families, because we cherish life.

we work hard, because we believe if you don't work hard, you don't eat.

we don't accept "hand-outs" because we believe in taking responsibilities for our mistakes.

I have a hard time thinking that there are people out there wouldn't take a baby dog (a puppy) to the SPCA because they know that the dog will be put to sleep if not found a good home. yet, because they choose to be irresponsible by having sex without some sort of birth control (they have IUDs....they last for 5 years. get one.), they punish a potentially great life by ceasing it!

yeah....its all about choice. you chose to have sex. you COULD have chosen not to. but you chose to.

or...if a woman is raped. yes. i see your point. it's a horrible thing that happened. i wouldn't know if i would have the strength in your position, but i would give it some serious thought. and know this: Greatness CAN come from adversity. and if i wouldn't have the strength to carry full term, i know someone who can give me that strength. His name, Jesus.

His mother became pregnant, and it wasn't from a wild night after partying and she wasn't raped. she said, "Ok, Lord, as you say, let it be."

however, she wasn't married. and she was pregnant in a time where if you were caught having sex before marriage, they'd take you out and throw large rocks at your head and body until you stopped breathing, and then they left your body for the birds and animals to consume.

BUT! because she chose to allow God to use her, even through this adversity, greatness came. NOW! ALL because of JESUS, we don't throw rocks at people as a form of justice. we don't have to take a lamb, a ram, or a dove to some random high place and cut it open to sacrifice to God.

We have GRACE....all we have to do is ask Him for it.

Why does he give us grace?

He also faced every adversity that we can imagine! he was whipped with leather bands that has broken pieces of clay stuck in it so that when it wrapped around his body, it would grab pieces of skin and rip it off.

then, he had his head stuck inside a rosebush.....

then he had stakes hammered into each of his hands....and not at the same time, but one done at a time. first his right hand, then his left hand, then....they forced his feet on top of each other and ran a stake into both of his feet, right through the bones.

and on his mind......

was you.

not the pain of the torture.

or the pain of seeing his friends deny knowing him....

or the pain of seeing his friends run away.

or the pain of having God turn his back on him, as he took on ALL the sins of the world.

"MY GOD! MY GOD! WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED ME?!?!"

through this adversity, GREATNESS came. He suffered in Hell for three days! AWAY from his Father!

at his death, the earth shook and the curtain at the temple tore. the prophets rose from the grave. many were seen walking around.

i can't imagine looking beside me and seeing Jeremiah and Isaiah. or Ezekial. or Abraham. I would have so many questions to ask them.

It's all because of this, i have hope, i have a reason to live, and i'm also on a watch list for my country....the LAND OF THE FREE....because i cherish life? because i would rather keep the dog at my house, AND carry a baby to full term?

or because i believe in working hard? and RIGHTFULLY paying taxes???

or because i believe in the promises MY GOD has given me???

or is it because i believe in taking responsibility for my actions???

word creations

2009-04-17T16:15:00.003-04:00

so...

maybe there's a word out there for the SELECT few people who write people off for their "political affiliations..."

such as this PATHETIC status update i saw on facebook:

"[so and so] thinks torturers and those telling them to torture should be punished."

This in and of itself is not bothersome...as i am not necessarily "pro-torture".

However....one of their "friends" who is also a local politician who runs primarily for the democratic party (and despite that i DID actually vote for him) left a comment stating:

"force them to listen to a half hour of Glen Beck (a republican show host- TV and radio). oh wait! they probably already do. nevermind."

This insinuates that the torturers are republican.

first of all, coming from someone who has tried to get into politics...i'm GLAD this man didn't win.

NANANANABOO BOO!

secondly, i just want to call out RACIST!

now....i know it's not about race.

but what do you call it when people are judging you based on your political affiliations and wrongfully so?

any takers???

update from last blog

2009-04-10T10:59:00.002-04:00

Thank you everyone for the encouragement!

I want to update from what i last said in my blog the other day...

the truth is, I love our church. it's small, and it has its faults, but it is a home for us right now.

the truth is I am very insecure! and every sunday, i push my insecurity down and "suck it up and get it over with"!

and sometimes in the middle of the week, my insecurity catches up to me, and i just...."blow up."

not ideal, but that's just how i am.

i apologize for what i said, and how i said it, and if you were made uncomfortable or upset, i apologize.

i really am fine, and i really do love our body and the people there.

i AM struggling to fit in, but that's more my fault as anyone elses!

simple irritations.

2009-04-08T17:25:00.002-04:00

okay...

it's no news that i've been struggling at fitting in at our current church. it would be SO much easier for me to go to cornerstone, b/c i don't have to struggle. i have my friends there.

But at this church, there is NO ONE there the same age as me. i don't fit in with the young adults anymore.

i don't even fit in with the people who are closest in age to me. they typically have young children. and are all around in a different place in every aspect of their lives. and that's okay!

and yet, i try. i try to fit in with the people who i "should" be fitting in with.

and i'm done. i'm done trying. there's no reason for me to try. i'm the only one doing anything. so...have a nice life.

more random musings...

2009-03-27T16:54:00.002-04:00

yesterday, i went to a funeral. I wonder if i'll see Big Lou in Heaven one day, but since right now i don't know, i'm not going to assume anything.

but as i sat there, in what was not only the nicest service i've been to in a year (last year was my grandfathers...that was pretty nice too!), it was also a very weird service. The minister OBVIOUSLY didn't know Big Lou. She pronounced his name wrong (last name: Ioia. try it...but it doesn't have an "n" anywhere in that name), in the program, instead of listing his name, it said, (and i quote) "name." PLUS, the committal was written out word for word, and it was rediculously long and redundant.

so...sitting there listening (and reading), i wondered, "I wonder what God is doing and thinking about this right now." I mean, Big Lou's body wasn't ours to begin with...yet, we're committing his body to the Lord?? I'm sure God had a chuckle at that...

But, since i'm not aware of Lou's relationship with Jesus, He was either laughing and dancing, or sobbing over the loss of one more child.

"Lord, penetrate my heart!"

~*More Random Musings!!*~

Australia is probably one of the best movies i've seen in a LONG time!

sometimes i despise old men. especially those that come into work. 3 of them told me (in their own special way) that i was moving too slow for them. this was after taking care of 8 customers with an average of 2 drinks per customer and a pretzal each, by myself, in a 6-10 minute period.

d-bags.

the other thing: why do you come in 3 times a day and make the same comments about the same things that you KNOW i can't change or do anything about it any faster.

don't ask me how much i make. my boss, my husband and only i know what that is. why would i tell a complete stranger?

"Jodi....THINK before you speak!"

After a conversation with my best friend, i've learned that my God is a *CrAzY* God. how else could my husband and i have gone through a lay-off for 2 months, the emotional trauma, the psychological trauma, the spiritual trauma, and soo much more in our first NINE months of marriage, ONLY to come out stronger than ever? because our God is a *CrAzY* God!

How else could i realize that yes, i could live without my husband if i needed to...but i have NO DESIRE to do so!

everytime we leave each other, whether its going to work or church at separate times, or something else that parts us, whenever we're in a hurry, sometimes i think:

"what if he doesn't come back?"

UGH!

what a horrible thought!!

But, it helps me to be thankful for everyday! everyday that we're together is another day that i love! if i don't want to get up to walk across the room to give him a kiss goodbye, that thought runs through my head.

i don't want to miss an opportunity for my husband to know that i love him more than anything else in this world.

so...

where does these random thoughts leave me for today?

lost. i had a point.

oh well.

my birthday!

2009-03-24T09:00:00.002-04:00

This past Saturday, which ironically was the second day of spring, Jacob and I went on the Route 11 drive. of all times to do this, the best time is at the beginning of spring...when it's not too hot, and when it's not too cold. we made some stops along the way. One of them was at the covered bridge. I've never stopped there before, but the scenery was beautiful!

Another stop was the North Mountain Vineyards.

we tried some wine, and then it was off to the Olive Garden for my birthday dinner!

it was a lot of fun, just driving until we wanted to stop!

more to come!

random musings

2009-03-20T11:09:00.006-04:00

How is it that I paid less without insurance than i did with insurance for the EXACT SAME doctor visit?

Praise God that my doctor visit was only $30!

Praise God that the nurse came back and double checked my blood pressure rather than assuming the first one was correct (when it was unusually high. she checked it thru my sweatshirt).

I love that my husband worries about me. it makes me laugh, and feel loved and cherished.

it makes me happy that i can clean on my day off...i'm looking forward to that feeling of accomplishment.

"i wanna learn you inside out." (lifehouse)

i want my birthday to be special. how many times do you turn 24 on the 24th?!

my husband makes me laugh. all he has to do is smile.

i'm torn. better safe than sorry, but i don't want to live my life in fear. do i venture out? stay in? if i stay in, do they win?

aggressive driving is no different than terrorism. you're just justifying it by saying you're an aggressive driver. you really are causing terror in people around you. plus, you're just really annoying.

the last thing you want to do is piss the people off who are handling your food. :o)

i have realized that in the last 9 months of marriage, we've dealt with more than people who've been married for 9 years. and we're stronger than ever.

"love is not a fight. but it's something worth fighting for."

why do we spend all of our time and energy fighting with each other when that time and energy could be better spent trying to get to know each other?

being honest is more than just blabbing out the truth. it's also knowing how to say the truth...this is also the hardest thing to learn...for me.

time after time...

2009-03-19T17:16:00.002-04:00

Time is such a weird thing...

you know how sometimes time just seems to "fly" by? it is almost like 5 minutes feels like 2 and when you look at your watch or clock, your initial reaction is, "oh my goodness! it's WHAT time?? how did it get this late?"

or.....sometimes it just is slow. yesterday was like this. 5 minutes felt like 20. i hated looking at the clock and often avoided my watch.

today was overall weird. just when i thought time was "flying" by, i'd look at my watch and my reaction would be like, "weird....i thought it should be later than that.."

it's hard to think that the same 60 seconds that's "flying" by is the exact same 60 seconds that's "dragging" on.

when i was in the 2nd grade, my teacher made us play a game. looking back i think what an idiot i was...but hey! it was the 2nd grade!

the teacher told us to stand at our desks. when we thought a minute had gone by, we were supposed to sit down. The teacher was playing except she had a clock. if i were smart, i'd have waited for her to sit down before i sat down....but oh well..i was an idiot.

that minute was a LONG minute. but it's the exact same minute as right now.

and here's what really blows my mind:

My minute (whether flying by or dragging on) is not the same as God's minute.

ugh.

my head hurts. :o\

nothing new...

2009-03-16T17:57:00.002-04:00

We're busy working.

Jacob started working at Rosetta Stone about a month ago, and he's growing as a salesman. Usually he comes home with some new tidbit of information, excited to share it. As a part of his training, he is learning Spanish. Occasionally, he'll talk in his sleep and lately he's been speaking Spanish gibberish.

I've been working a lot and hosting a lot of "parties."

You name it:

Two Sisters Gourmet

Pampered Chef (coming up)

Mary Kay (coming up)

We have a new nephew! Jacob Matthew Morris!

He was born Feb. 26th, (i think). it was an emergency situation, and when he was born, he was 5 pounds and just a few ounces.

We got to see him Friday. He now weighs 5 pounds 5 ounces. and he's precious!

i'll hope to have pictures soon!

other than that...nothing new!

i'll keep ya updated!

snow days...

2009-03-02T10:39:00.003-05:00

i always feel guilty when calling into work.

i don't know what it is about it....maybe that i know what they go through when someone doesn't show up for a shift?? yeah...that's probably it..

but...this morning...i woke up at earlier than normal to look at the damage outside.

and these pictures were at 8 am. i was supposed to be at work at 7, so i surveyed the damage at 6 am. it was darker, still snowing (mixed with something harder than just snow...), and the forecast was "winter weather until 5pm." it didn't look good and i don't like driving in snow. maybe if i had a different car and more self-confidence....

so i made the decision to take a personal day. now....at 10 am....just 4 hours after making that decision and 3.5 hours after calling, i feel like an idiot. but...at 6:30 (when i would've been driving to work), it really wasn't safe. and i couldn't just say, "i'll be in when my road gets plowed"....because i didn't know when that was...and that's not nearly as fair as "here's my decision..."

Jacob called at 8:30 and said that he'll be in later. an hour later, he walks up and decided to chance it. in the 20 mins it took him to get ready, they apparently plowed the road.

yeah...okay...maybe i jumped the gun a bit....

but i did NOT feel comfortable driving to work. usually i'd call someone and say, "can you meet me at the bottom of the hill..."

but as you can see in the above picture, that wasn't even clear....and i do NOT want to be responsible for someone getting into an accident on my behalf.

plus, i definitely don't feel comfortable driving in inclement weather knowing if something were to happen.....

we don't have insurance....

so...we'd be paying any doctor bills out of pocket....

do NOT wanna do that...

so i'm being more, "safe than sorry..."

except right now, i do feel sorry for calling in.

ugh.

babies...

2009-02-28T11:43:00.002-05:00

if he title of this blog has you wondering...

"Is she pregnant??"

the answer is...

no.

and at this point in time, where i would LOVE to have a baby, i don't think i could bring myself to be put in the situation where i could become pregnant...

i love my husband. i can't wait to have his child. but we are waiting...

no...the title of this blog is because Jacob and i got to see Frances and Jason's baby last night at UVA in the NICU. Jacob Matthew.

he came to us about 5 weeks early, but under extenuating circumstances, she couldn't carry him any longer.

my camera batteries are dead, so unfortunately i don't have any pictures to post just yet...but i will!

The name Jacob came from Frances' relationship with my husband...Jacob. they are tight brother and sister....though not blood.

He was so blessed to see this child with his name.

i would like to put meals together for this family....anyone like to help? let me know!

I know that these people don't really attend church that often....and i know that the mother doesn't really come at all...

but isn't that something that the church needs to do? reach out to the families who don't go to church? the "shut-ins" and those who have been hurt by the church in the past??

i have had people look at me and say, "i don't know those people, so i'm not going to help them."

Luke 6:32.

"But if you love those who love you, what good is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them."

We are indeed sinners, but we've been saved by grace, and there are sinners out there who are yet to be saved by grace....let's show them the grace God has given to us!

once again...been a while

2009-02-23T19:21:00.003-05:00

as i finished catching up (again) on blogs....i find myself wanting to say things...

but i have to say this:

God is good.

beyond good.

AWESOME.

I am so proud of my husband.

in the first 8 months of our marriage, we've encountered many.....things. God is good.

we've been certain that our "honeymoon phase" will remain forever.

and we're willing to FIGHT for it to happen.

in a time of confession as husband and wife, one would think, "lifetime of hell, waiting right there. leave him now, it aint worth it."

but no. God has brought us closer than ever. we're learning.

life is a journey of learning....and it's WORTH every minute.

it might be tough and unpleasant...like last tuesday evening.

or it might be painful and hurtful, like last tuesday evening.

or it might be full of freedom and forgiveness....

like last tuesday evening.

we're not perfect. and we don't pretend to be.

we're reading through The Love Dare. it's featured in the movie Fireproof. The movie is good, by far!

and you don't have to be near divorce to benefit from this devotional. if you just want a better relationship, different ideas or something....read this.

now...

i will leave until probably tomorrow....

and then, i will share about last weekend...

and introduce some of you to a writer who's speaking, alone, amazed me. i haven't even read her books....yet.

oh me oh my

2009-02-17T14:43:00.002-05:00

okay...i know i've dropped the ball when it comes to blogging and keeping updates acoming your way...

but it's been a crazy couple of weeks.

I've just about caught up on my list of blogs from all of you guys (and WOW. am i amazed!).

i was planning a valentines Banquet for our church. Dinner and a movie (showing Fireproof). it was such a joy to see it through!

we had about 40 + people show up, many from our church, many whom i've never met. Jacob was such a big help and encouragement! i literally don't think i could have done it without him. He really kept me going, calm and cool. it's nice to have Jesus walking with you in the form of your husband.

for our valentines, it was nice. we just stayed home, watching movies, lounging around. Jacob picked up a night shift at sheetz from 12-4 am. so i didn't hear him come in when he got home. i naturally wake up at least once or twice before 5 am, and when i woke up at 4:45 am that morning to not find him in bed, i got really worried. my incoherent brain took me all kinds of places. "what if the store had a hold-up? or if they were robbed? i wonder if he's ok. what if.....what if....?"

then i saw the light in the hall way come on, so i was fine. my imagination!

when i woke up at 8 to get started on breakfast, i came out to find flowers that he had bought for me at a cancer benefit!

if there is one thing about me: i ONLY love pink when MAJORITY (if not all) of the money goes to cancer research. if the money goes to a cancer survivor to help pay the bills of fighting that horrid disease...i love it even more.

then, i found this adorable card, and a poem he wrote for me! Just for me...sorry! :o)

so special!

with everything being as tight as it has been lately, i used (what little) skills i have in the kitchen to give Jacob a great valentines day.

i made a breakfast casserole using bacon and scrapple (called for sausage, but scrapple worked fine), eggs, salt, pepper, a tiny bit of milk and two slices of bread. i cut the bread in little squares and laid them in the bottom of the baking pan. layered bacon and scrapple (again, sausage would probably work better, as scrapple is just a little too fine), then mixed the eggs, milk, and salt and pepper, and poured that on top. added some cheddar cheese on top and baked it for about 30 mins at 350 degrees.

worked out well...

today is jacob's first day at rosetta stone, so...i'm goign to make a special dinner for him! trying to find out what though! :o)

blessings to you all!

update on Valentines banquet!

2009-01-31T23:02:00.002-05:00

okay...

so, Feb. 15th, at 5 pm. Dinner and a movie!

tickets are $5 for adults 12+, $2.50 for children 3-12, and children 3 and under are FREE!

door prizes are a coming!

i was thinking earlier today.

i have such a strong battle with self doubt. it is literally crippling. i have run away from ministry opportunities just because of it. i have run away from job opportunities because of it. i have run away from relationships because of it. i run away from just about everything because of the elephant sitting on my chest. i can't breathe. i can't move, unless it's away. i can't even think.

yet, God brought me to this church, and even though i know i'm having a hard time, i know that it is He who brought me here. i may not understand what or why, but that's okay. i'm willing to be used and to learn without knowing those. it's unconditional.

yet, i think i got a glimpse earlier today:

Kathie, Pastor Tony's wife, has really stepped up beside me and helped me with this dinner. even when people were telling me that it couldn't happen because of time, she really stepped up and said, "we're doing this, and Jodi is heading it up." she's helped me and (more importantly) encouraged me.

i really feel like a baby when it comes to something like this. i've NEVER done anything at this multitude, and so i kinda feel like i need someone to hold my hand through this. i need lots of encouragement. if i for a second feel like i can't do it, in another second the elephant will be back where it was before: sitting on my chest, unwilling to move.

yes, i have had doubts about this. but i've only been encouraged to push through. even if only 10 couples show up; that's 10 couples that wouldn't have come otherwise. i'll be happy with that. if 50 couples show up, that's 50 more that i can give praise for!

This isn't me. this has never been about me. this is all for Jesus. if i'm used in the process, GREAT! if i'm pushed around in the process, i'll learn! as long as i can just believe in myself, i'll have succeeded.

Valentines

2009-01-29T09:04:00.002-05:00

So...Valentines is coming up quickly.

the news with that is that i'm kinda heading up a dinner and a movie being hosted by our church.

which is overwhelming.

but so far, i have lots of support, so it's going well! maybe even a little better than i originally thought.

last sunday, we had a quick meeting after church, and it turned into something a little longer.

there was some concern that we would need a license to show the movie. which i understand, because we were going to open the event up to the community, and hopefully use it as an outreach.

so...i was all prepared to let Pastor Tony and Kathie know that we wouldn't show the movie, because the license was $130, and we had ZERO money in the women's ministry account, as we are just starting it back up. however, there was a donation given and now we have the license!

So:

We will be showing the movie. Dinner at 5pm, movie afterwards. i'm very excited, and looking forward to it!

i'm still nervous, but it's good to know that i'm not alone in this!

my thoughts on the new president...

2009-01-21T16:23:00.003-05:00

it's taken me a while to figure out how to word this:

i am having a really hard time respecting our new president. part of it is that he's a democrat...and he's pro-abortion...and i don't really know anything about him. the first time i've heard of him is when he started running for president.

another part of it is that he's a democrat....and all the democrats and liberals in our country are rejoicing while when President Bush was in office, did nothing but complain....and boy......did i hear it where i work. so...one thought is: WHY should i respect Pres. Obama, when i don't agree with him, while the sillies didn't respect Pres. Bush, when they didn't agree with him?

tell me? why?

anyway...

another part of it is: everyone thinks he is golden. everyone thinks he is fulfilling Martin Luther King Jr.'s dream. when in reality....it's not even close.

for example:

Pres. Obama is bi-racial. His father was black, (kenyan) and his mother was a white american. however, his skin tone is black, so what everyone sees is a black president.

i think it is even MORE momentous an occasion that a bi-racial man is the president, because in American history, bi-racial people were more hated than african americans.

but...

no. everyone is excited because we have a black president. and that is NOT the famous dream of MLK Jr.

"I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character." (http://www.americanrhetoric.com/speeches/mlkihaveadream.htm)

maybe i'm missing that everyone is excited because there is a democrat in the office with a democratic legislature....

but i'm not sensing that...i'm sensing that the excitement is that it's a black man in office. at least it's positive judgement.......?

meanwhile....

Congratulations, President Obama. I hope and pray that you and your family will be blessed throughout these next 4 years, and I hope and pray that you would be wise. And i also hope and pray that you will help this country become unified again and that you will NOT use my tax dollars to support the abortion clinics. Veto FOCA.

so it's been a busy week.

2009-01-18T12:49:00.002-05:00

i know it's been a while since i've blogged. since Jacob lost his job, I've been trying to pick up more hours at work. the result: i'm exhausted.

i also know that several people won't read my blogs because of my poor use of punctuation. as a former english major, and one who has a passion for writing: believe me, if i could, i would fix it. however, my laptop's keys SUCK. i am often hitting backspace because the "A" key doesn't hit. like in my title on today's blog....i had to hit the same key 3 times before it actually registered on the screen. so...if you have anyway of advising me to clean them, please let me know. otherwise, i only have the patience to hit backspace once per word....not more than that. sorry.

anyway....

i have been working lots. it has helped me to see that not only do i not want to work retail past March, but it has lit a fire under my butt. i have finished my resume, and sent it into Rosetta Stone. I'm only hoping, but i have little to no expectations. It would definitely be nice to be making twice what i am now and working the same amount...i know that we could definitely use the money.

so..i'm in the process of planning a Valentines Banquet....Dinner and a movie. it's a lot, but it's for our church. trying to plan food and everything....it's overwhelming. it's my first time heading something like this up...and i'm not feeling very confident. i'm feeling very, scared i think would be a good word.

i'm also in the midst of reading The Shack. it's a good book, but i'm having a hard time getting through it.

With me working more, and Jacob not working at all (still waiting for sheetz to call....), he has REALLY stepped up and started taking on more around the house...for which i am grateful! he cleans the dishes and cooks dinner, and if i ask him to, he'll fold laundry and put it away! he's soo wonderful!!

as a result, i get home, eat dinner, and i'm so wiped out i fall asleep after working on my resume or job hunting or whatever i was working on. i'm usually out by 10 or 10:30. Man! i feel OLD!

anyway...i'll try to blog some more later!

christmas and new years as a new wife

2009-01-04T18:28:00.006-05:00

i know that christmas has been over for a while, but our first christmas was CRAZY!

it all started on the 21st of Dec. we went to my family for christmas dinner and opening presents. at first, it was a little tense, b/c apparently my mom and sister both had bad mornings. i got snapped at as soon as i walked through the door, which put me in a mood of "fine. be that way. but don't talk to me about it."

but they got over it and i spent most of my time watching football with the guys anyway.

then, i worked monday and tuesday and a little christmas eve morning. after work christmas eve, i went home and got things together for my extended family's dinner in churchville. my aunt Gay just bought a new house, and this thing was way ginormous!

This is her stairwell:

anyway....it was huge. my pictures don't do the house justice.

anyway, after dinner we went home and slept! well...more like crashed!

we woke up christmas morning:

and look what santa brought me for christmas!!!

actually, jacob bought me a new camera for christmas and this was me trying it out a couple of times.

we had TONS of fun christmas day. after we exchanged our own gifts, we went to my mother in laws for christmas. it was really interesting to see how another family does it and for the first time to be involved with it. this was the first time i haven't seen my family on christmas. it was a little difficult, but i managed.

after my mother in laws, we went to my father in laws. chaos. there was chaos at my mother in laws too, but it was all very very different.

then afterwards we went to my husbands uncles house. i was so exhausted, that i was ready to crash. i'm used to crashing in the afternoon on christmas day. i didn't get to bed until MIDNIGHT! i was EXHAUSTED!

i think i'm still trying to catch up on sleep. :o)

new years we had a few people over. it was so much fun to be around people who love us and who we love as well. we were able to see some fireworks from down the street (for free!), and we opened champaigned and sparkling cider. it was a joy!

so...that's about it! Jacob has a job interview tomorrow at Rosetta Stone, so we're praying for favor!

Blessings to each of you in the new year!

update!

2008-12-24T11:27:00.002-05:00

Jacob has had a couple of call backs on his resume. one from rosetta stone and another from a former manager at Sheetz, where he worked in college.

Rosetta stone called today to talk about his resume, and it sounds like they're proceeding on with a potential position.

then he talked with Shane from sheetz. they can give him 32 hours a week in the meantime, and they're looking for an assistant manager position for him!

so...

the story continued:

God intervened, and no matter what happens, we WILL be okay. we WILL be taken care of.

God is good!

Praise you Jesus!

christmas sometimes comes early

2008-12-19T18:59:00.003-05:00

with our crazy christmas schedule, jacob and i have been trying to work out when we get to do our gifts to and from each other.

we decided that with all the bad stuff lately, that we should be able to do some today.

we exchanged one gift a piece.

I gave him my gift of a Redskin throw.

and he gave me:

a 10.3 MP digital camera!

my husband is SOO good to me! it's a Kodak, black, and WAY better than my old one! at least so far! i'm having fun playing with it! Yay!

thanks love!

hope.

2008-12-18T17:54:00.005-05:00

i got this verse in my email inbox today:

Psalm 33:22:

"May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD,
even as we put our hope in you."

i started thinking about the verse, Jeremiah 29:11:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'Plans to prosper you, and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."

then i started thinking about hope.

it's kinda a funny thing. hope.

i mean, i used to hope for a date on saturday night. or those concert tickets. or a good grade on a test i studied really hard for.

but that's not really hope. that's wishful thinking.

hope is trusting when there is no reason to trust. hope is believing even when you don't see anything happening. hope is Jesus.

let's see:

in the last year, i had hoped for good weather on June 28th. i had hoped for vacation time showing up on my paycheck on time. i even hoped for saturdays off so that i can take that hot date! ;o)

never would i ever think that i would hope for a job. for my husband. for the "bread winner" so to speak. never would i think that we would be in a position, like so many other people, who will struggle over the holidays. never would i think that we would be given something wonderful....a REAL gift from God...only to have it taken away 6 months later.

part of me wants to say that i feel like that woman in 2 Kings 4. she asked for a son, and one was given to her, only to have him become sick, and then die.

verse 28:

"Did i ask you for a son, my lord? Didn't i tell you, "don't raise my hopes"?"

God, didn't i ask you not to raise my hopes?

what happens in the story?

Elisha intervenes, and the son is brought back to life.

God interevenes, and.....

To be continued.

wow

2008-12-17T16:51:00.002-05:00

about a year ago, my life changed. it has created probably the worst thing in me. because of family issues i left my house and basically moved out for a time, until jacob and i got engaged.

this "issue" has not been repaired, and probably will never be. i just survive around this person(s) and deal for the time being.

i vowed, when i moved out that my family would never be that way. jacob and i love each other with every fiber of our being, and we work things out. it may not always be pleasant, but we suck it up and do it.

about two months before our wedding, Jacob lost his full-time status at his job. meaning he would be making enough just to be paying the bills for what he had at the time. a month later, still no job, we were getting a bit panicky. 3 weeks before the wedding, God came through and supplied him with a job making at $10,000 more than what we were even hoping for.

six months later- that's been taken away. his last day will be this friday, which ironically he had taken off for vacation time.

God, what are you doing?? all these loops in the last year....i might as well be jumping through fire...if not rolling through it.

i know you will take care of us. even through this uncertainty, it is sooo hard for me to say this: we will trust you.

under the weather

2008-12-01T22:25:00.002-05:00

soon after church yesterday, i started feeling the effects of a migrane.

took some medicine, and prescribed myself some rest.

rest did not come as i suffered through the annoying affects of a fever. my body was a steaming hot (i don't have a thermometer, so i don't know the temperature exactly, but jacob said i was burning up), while i shivered from the cold.

i thought that going to bed would help, but i would get cold, put lots of blankets on, then get hot. unbearably hot. so i was constantly shifting. i'm surprised my poor husband got any sleep.

i battled nausea last night, and battled it some today. ate half of a bowl of cereal, and then didn't eat anything until dinner, which jacob made.

i probably shouldn't have eaten dinner, because now i just feel sick. i think soup and crackers are in store for me tomorrow...

i think it's the flu. but i'm not sure. i just take it moment by moment.

hopefully i will feel better in the morning, because i do have to work.

i tried calling in, and they said, "call around, see if anyone can take your shift." i did, no one can/will, or have called me back, so, i'll probably end up going in and hoping that i can get off early.

hope you all are well!

thankful

2008-11-24T23:09:00.002-05:00

sometimes the bad things are actually good...and it may take years for us to realize it.

for example:

the reason i have been so easily hurt by "friends" over the last couple of years is that two of my very close friends from high school hurt me very deeply; spiritually, emotionally, and psychologically (meaning my self esteem, self confidence, etc.).

i know they didn't intend for it to happen...and in fact, i am pretty sure it was God's doing. not that He wanted me to be shaken up so much that i doubted my salvation...that was my doing. but...the experience did indeed shake me to my inner core.

yet, somehow, i knew i couldn't just walk away from Him.

anyway...

several times over the last several months, i have run into one of these persons on a number of occasions...innocent enough...once i was having coffee with some girlfriends, and other times, i was alone. i did always take the time to say hi, and make some sort of conversation. now...if it were a year ago...or even 6 months ago, it would've been an awkward situation for me. but now that i've run into them, it wasn't at all awkward. it was very....i dunno...peaceful? i was at complete peace while talking to them...i was comfortable? i even thought about maybe just meeting up for coffee or something light to catch up.

but i am TRULY glad that i have not done so. it would just lead to the same heartache as before. i do hope that our friendship can be restored...but it cannot be initiated from my end. THEY have to do it.

the day after i ran into this person the first time, i left a comment on their facebook saying how good it was to see them, and wished them an enjoyable week ahead.

no response. didn't expect one....didn't want one.

one week later, i see comments on several mutual friends pages from this person...i'm not sure why, as one of these persons lives out of the area, but as it was, obviously God layed them on their heart for some reason...

anyhow...

remember how i said i was having coffee with some girlfriends? well, one of my girlfriends had a comment....yet...not me.

this is a vicious pattern that i saw at the very end of our friendship. this friend would spend hours on the phone with other friends in "our circle" then neither of those friends would call me. after MONTHS of that happening, i began to feel like i was being "phased out." i wasn't attending their church or their "special services." what did we have in common anymore? i mean...really? they were so preoccupied with their ministries, they forgot that their friends were hurting....

at least, that's how i felt. like i said earlier, i feel like God had a hand in it.

the patterns...

though...

they are still there.

and as long as the patterns are still there, i can't put myself out there to these particular people.

i just can't.

but..i am truly thankful for God's protection. He is taking care of my heart where i would be foolish with it. Thank you, Lord...for your gentle protection...

down days

2008-11-23T21:45:00.002-05:00

sometimes, i have what i call, "down days."

i had one of those today. i'm not fully convinced that i feel completely better...

i had a rough night last night.

combine that with waking up this morning to go to a place where i had to struggle to feel like i belong....didn't make for a promising morning...

i have a ministry idea, but am a little scared to attempt what i have in mind.

i have a desire to get involved, but with what i've experienced, i don't know if i can go through it all over again.

last christmas was wonderful at this place. now...i wonder what to expect for the christmas dinner this year.

we learned this morning to give thanks in all things:

"Thank you Lord for the family you have given me...and thank you for the husband you've given me. thank you for our disagreements as they make us stronger. and more importantly...thank you Lord, that i have someone who loves me...and that the generational curses being held onto my family are stopping with us. Thank you for your true faithfulness--even when we are so unfaithful!"

some news:

i'm learning more sign language. one thing that i would like to do in the new year is interpret for my sisters-in-law at church. so, i'm going through the process of learning the appropriate signs.

pray for me please! that i can retain the signs i learn!

thanks all!

i wonder...

2008-11-22T19:31:00.002-05:00

i often wonder why we choose to live in the small things.

i do it. and i know why i do it. but i don't at the same time. the small things can make my day or make me want to shoot myself.

so what? why do we choose to live in the fact that someone disagrees with us? why do we just assume that they are an idiot b/c they voted democrat/republican (insert your own belief here)?

why do we treat them like they don't exist just because they are different from us?

why do we choose to not listen to their beliefs with an open mind just because they aren't our beliefs?

why do we say we're an open-minded group of people (church, political group, religious belief, etc...) when we barrage others with insults the first time someone disagrees with us?

why do we comment on people's blogs automatically assuming they believe what we believe and assume that is the ONLY way to believe?

why do we think we know the truth when we don't know the One who is true?

why do we automatically assume the worst about someone even though we have known them for years and at this point should know their heart...and even if the worst is true, why can't we still love them....because after all...isn't that what we should do?

just because Jesus is the only way to Heaven and He is true and the Bible is true, doesn't mean you aren't entitled to think differently. you can think whatever you want. but...there is absolute truth....his name is Jesus. he is absolutely true.

i wrote this blog and posted it on facebook a couple of days ago.

some might think it's because of what i've been through.

but actually it was based on a comment from a "friend" on my husbands facebook.

"oh...i thought you meant..."

seems to be a favorite saying of our "friends".

i think next time i'm approached with this saying, i'm going to simply reply with:

"of course that's what i meant! cuz i'd rather wish harm on you than prosperity....and i'd rather see you crumble than see you succeed. cuz...that's what being friends with you is all about, and i'll be darned if i see anything else!"

YAY!

2008-11-14T16:01:00.002-05:00

i feel somewhat successful!

one thing i've been wanting to get done is to print off some of the wedding pictures. i finally got the ordered and now have them in my possession. tonight...i'm going to frame them as i wait for my bestest friend Kristin to come over. it's going to be our long-awaited margarita night. :o)

Jacob is taking his little cousin out to see a movie. originally, i was supposed to go, but i wasn't really feeling seeing this movie....again. jacob loved it so he's going to see it for his third time.

i cleaned all day at work...which is great! i feel GREAT about what i had done....but i also feel disgusting. cleaning at work usually means something along the lines of spoiled milk and coffee messes. so...i feel disgusting and am about to go take a shower before i do much else. :o)

holiday

2008-11-11T16:20:00.003-05:00

where i work, i see lots of people who claim to be christians.

i'm not sure what they mean by that because how they treat me (as a server) makes me angry.

for example: today i had a woman buying a christian living book chastise me for offering her a member card.

it's my job to offer a membercard.

now:

i understand that we are to be stewards with our resources...and that includes our income...

however....

Fellow believers in the Almighty God...

don't forsake your witness just to save a dollar.

if you find yourself coming up with a hurtful comment to the cashier who just offered you something that would cost you an extra dollar or so...

DON'T SAY IT.

say, "no thanks! have a great day!"

a lot of people i work with know that i love Jesus. they don't necessarily understand it, but they come to me when people who are buying a Bible or a christian living book and complain about these customers who are hurtful and just down right mean.

in fact...Christians are usually the worst customers. which is ironic.

sunday is the worst time to work retail. especially after noon....when all the churches are let out.

maybe it's a good thing you're buying this stuff....cuz you sure could use it.

at least...that's how i look at it. my co-workers who don't believe in God or choose not to follow Him, think: "figures...if that's what their god is like, i don't wanna follow him."

this holiday season (thanksgiving, Christmas, and new years), let's show our service people that we have a God who is not only worth following, but loves them in a way they can't fathom.

it's late...

2008-11-09T23:27:00.002-05:00

i don't really even know what day it technically is:

sunday night?

monday morning?

it's at that point in the evening when it all just kinda blurs together.

jacob and i have had a looong weekend, yet, that doesn't deter me from staying up late....

actually, it's because i feel like i have something to share with you guys, but for the life of me, i don't know what it is.

life has been....well...weird since my blog about church.

my husband read it, and was blessed by it, which in turn, blesses me.

yet, i can't help but feel that as i sit on my couch in my living room, with the giants/eagles game in the last 4 minutes, my husband in bed, sleeping...exhausted by our long weekend, and even longer day....that there is something out there.

i don't know how to explain it.

my heart is burdened, but not heavy...

my mind is racing, but focused.

my soul is searching, but knows i've found something....

i am not satisfied.

this may come off as "woe is me."

in reality...i'm not satisfied, b/c i know i'm created for something more. we all are. don't limit yourselves....i'm learning not to limit myself.

God is strong....

let's be strong by HIS strength!